E13 Hogcock!, Last Lunch
Lemon-Chros family, let's not be late.
Janet, shoes and socks.
Okay, let go of the comic book. Let's try and get your jacket on.
Criss, shoes and socks!
- Let's go, let's go! - Don't forget these!
All right.
Have a good day! Have fun at home!
Any recommendations for the best place to buy a girl's bike
On the Upper West Side?
She's eight.
I'm sorry, what's a "girl's" bike? Is that like a "girl" doctor?
Go back to Saudi Arabia, Hitler!
You're buying a bike but not a helmet? The head is where the child's brain is!
Why don't you get educated, Double Hitler?!
I was gonna buy a helmet.
Helmets inhibit brain development!
You might as well give your darling child vaccines,
Which studies show cause homosexuality.
So what? My 2-year-old is super gay,
And we love him more than a straight child
Because he doesn't rape!
Gentlemen, yesterday I moved Kabletown's customer service
To a part of India that has no phones.
We're now providing the same level of service to our subscribers
At zero the cost.
This is a Six Sigma Wheel of Domination.
It's a motivational tool I used back at GE,
And it will be replacing Kabletown's, uh, kitten in spaghetti.
Once this circle is completely filled in,
We will be a perfect company.
And then we'll be able to get even better trophy wives...
- half-Asian ones! - Oh.
Jack Donaghy's office.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! You can't go in there!
I never told you this, but I once came up late at night looking for Jack,
And you were in a wedding dress dancing with one of his suits.
Mr. Donaghy will see you now.
Stay-at-home Lemon. To what do I owe the pleasure?
Did you already run out of things to do today?
What? No!
- You are. - It's understandable.
For the past seven years,
You put out dozens of fires every day --
Not including the real ones Tracy would set.
To keep away Frankensteins, which, as far as we know, worked.
My point is, you need the outlet.
Without work...
I have plenty of new outlets.
I ran this morning for 30 minutes.
Does that include dry heaving?
And wet! And, sure, okay, I thought I'd have a job right now.
But I don't need to work.
What about money? You know "TGS" is only syndicated in Greece.
We'll be fine. Criss has gone back to work.
He has a degree in ethnomusicology from Wesleyan,
So he's a receptionist at a dental office.
And I didn't come here looking for something to do.
I just thought I would check in on you
Because you're the emotionally fragile one.
Hogcock!
Which is a combination of "hogwash" and "poppycock."
I'm just saying, if my mother told me
That everything I had been raised to believe was a lie and then died,
I'd be like, "Say whaaat?!"
Lemon, all Colleen said is that she wanted me to be happy,
And obviously I am.
Take a look at my new view.
From up here, I can see the whole island --
A city built on the religion of capitalism,
And I am its high priest
Looking down on the swinish multitude.
And even those who hate me, the unwashed socialist horde,
The Occupy Wall Streeters
And the beard-havers and the bicycle-riders,
Even they must acknowledge me...
As a god.
And this makes you... Happy?
It should.
You know, I'm reminded of something Yoda once said.
Hmm. Ohh.
Dark times are these.
7x12 Hogcock!
Nakamura-san, we at NBC would love to adapt your game show
For American audiences.
But we thought maybe contestants could win money
Instead of penis punches.
Yo, Ken, I need you to do something for me!
Ken!
Tray, Ken can't do stuff for you anymore.
He's president of the network now.
So? He promised me he'd always be there for me no matter what.
Sometimes things change.
And yet you still say stupid stuff to me all the time
And suck at carrying boxes!
Hey, Kenneth!
Just thought I'd come up and say hi to the new president of NBC!
Well, can I get you anything -- chickpeas, moonshine, turtle meat?
I'm good.
You know, I was with NBC for seven years.
And even though right now I'm concentrating on being a mom --
You've always had the body for it!
... At some point down the road I do plan on getting back to work.
Well, I hope it's with NBC!
Because we have hiring quotas!
Okay, well, I actually think there might be a show in my life:
A woman writer living in New York --
Oh, sorry.
"Woman," "writer," "New York."
Those are all on my list of "TV No-No Words."
See, I think audiences just want to laugh
And forget about their problems when they watch TV.
They don't want to watch some angry New York crankypants...
Make that face! Exactly!
I want to make shows that people actually want to watch!
Shows where a guy gets a drink thrown in his face
And then he turns to his dog and says, "Don't. Even. Say it."
[Giggles 1 To his dog!
Okay, well, I think TV can be successful
Without sacrificing quality.
- Tsk-tsk-tsk! - Ah, there it is.
Okay, well, if that's what you want,
Maybe I shouldn't bring my ideas to NBC.
I'll go to cable,
Where you can swear and really take time to let moments la--
You will never believe what just happened to me!
I was throwing a tantrum in the makeup room...
Where is my color?!
I will have you queens fired!
I will tell the other gays your real ages!
I'll be...
Ignored by my friends?
No one paid any attention to --
Stop ignoring me!
This is an actor announcement!
The show's over, so you're not technically an actor anymore.
How dare you, you rotting pear?
I will stop being an actress
When the Earth stops spinning on Kabbalah Monster's fingernail.
The only thing that's "stopping" is this show.
It's beneath me.
And from now on,
Jenna Maroney only plays dramatic roles.
Good-bye forever, you factory-reject dildos.
Mr. Donaghy?!
Inga, you have to warn me when we have an important guest.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to spank you again!
Stupid Jonathan.
Kenneth, I need your advice.
Sir, I know this is my office,
But it would make me more comfortable if we switched places.
Kenneth, I've been thinking about something a lot lately,
Something that's never bothered me until now.
Me too! Where are all the baby pigeons?
Happiness. I've started to wonder if I'm happy.
Well, sir, if you have to ask, then... You're not.
It's like when a pig says,
"If I can communicate with you telepathically, do I have a soul?"
And then you're like, "No. Duh! Into the slaughtering chute!"
If you're right, I have a problem. And every problem can be solved.
As I was taught in Six Sigma:
Analyze, Strategize, Succeed --
A. S. S.
I'm going to crush this problem...
With my ASS.
Tracy Jordan to see Ken Tucky Derby.
Mr. Parcell's in a meeting.
I see.
Very well.
Tell him Tracy came by from his promise.
That's Tracy -- "T" as in the drink.
"R" as in the pirate noise.
"A" as in the Fonzie noise.
"C" as in sea monster.
"Y" as in "Why do we even make friends
If they're gonna let you down when we need them the most?"
Last name: Jordan.
"J" as in the birds I'm afraid of...
I'm a stay-at-home mom
Who until recently had a high-pressure job.
Any advice on dealing with that transition?
I put all my old work energy into parenting.
My kids hate me! Which gives me more parenting to do!
Oh, my God, I'm so sick of listening to you stay-at-home moms whine.
Try being a working parent.
I did. But I got fired.
For stupidity.
I'd switch places with any of you. And I have amazing cheekbones.
Original poster:
For your information, some people like work.
Really? You like having 40 emails from Jerry,
All with a red exclamation point?
Oh, they're all urgent, Jerry?!
Some people think that work is fulfilling and validating.
For example, the rapper T. I.,
Who wrote, "Better get on yo' job, tell 'em,
Haters get on yo' job, nougats."
At least I think he was saying "nougats."
Well, I don't know what to say. I guess "some people" are idiots.
Bitch, you are on my last nerve!
Then why don't you do something about it?
Gladly, friend-o. Riverside Park.
Hippo Playground. 10 minutes.
Perfect. I take my darling children there all the time.
I'll be the one wearing a purple sweater
And wrapping a baby swing around some skank's neck.
Time for an ASS attack.
Kabletown shares closing at a new high today.
CEO Jack Donaghy, who rang the opening bell last week,
Has emphasized the growth potential in the...
Now I am the sensei!
The parking space closest to the door is mine!
What do we have here?
Joining us this hour is my new co-host, The Colonel.
Looks like another cold one today in the Midwest.
So bundle up, everyone.
And if you can, get hit by a car.
You get to spend a couple days in the hospital,
And they give you soup.
♪ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine ♪
Nancy, I know this is unconventional,
But I really think a group relationship could work.
What you're proposin' is a sin, Jack.
But she is wicked hot.
Elisa, what do you say?
It would have to be a conjugal visit because I am in a Puerto Rican jail.
Jenna, thank you so much for doing this.
What a thrill!
Oh, I am just so glad to finally return to my two loves --
Dramatic acting and sex crimes!
Well, this first scene is super simple.
Munch and Fin find your body --
Wait, what?
I die?
Didn't you get the rewrite?
But if I'm dead, how can I become a recurring character?
And if I'm not a recurring character,
How will I get away with horrible stuff like this?
Let's do this!
That's what I was about to say!
Let's do it!
Slate it!
And... Action!
Word is, cleaning lady found her early this morning.
Still alive.
Who else had access?
Ow, my foot hurts, but I'm okay!
I think this injury has given me crime-solving powers!
It's "Law & Order, Colon, Mind Beauty"!
I'm done. Who is this chick?
All television is beneath me!
I will only do cinema!
No one cares, Jenna!
I am going to the City of Angels, a veterinary hospital
Where I get dog sedatives that help me relax when I fly.
Then I'm flying to Los Angeles!
Good-bye forever, you soup line at a gay homeless shelter!
Crisstopher Rick Chros. Are you kidding me?
Liz, you don't want to be here right now,
'Cause I gotta go smack that woman in the face!
Criss... You're here to fight me!
I'm the original poster!
Oh, my God! Since when do you listen to T. I.?!
That message board is for moms. I thought you were a lady.
You said you had "amazing cheekbones!"
- Chros, what are you doing here? - I don't know.
I just hate being at work. Sitting at a desk makes me crazy.
I keep getting up and getting coffee. Now I'm all jittery and weird --
Bird!
So, you hate work.
And this mom came in with her kids to see Dr. Emily,
And I was jealous of her.
Her kids were so bored, I just wanted to jump over that divider
And play waiting games with them, like Carpet Adventure!
Or that one where your hands are spiders.
Hand Spiders!
Yeah, so, I hate work, and evidently you miss it.
I know. I'm a terrible mother.
Oh, my God. If you were a dude, you would not even be thinking that.
It's okay to want to work. One of us has to.
We just got it backwards.
You're... The dad.
I do like ignoring your questions while I try to watch TV.
Exactly! I should be the one staying at home.
You should be in an office.
It's how our family is supposed to work.
Except I don't have an office to go back to.
So, pitch something to Kenneth, like -- I don't know --
A show about a dentist's office, where the sassy hygienist
Says things like, "I'm turning 30... Again."
I will miss Tyrell.
You know, that's exactly the kind of garbage that Kenneth is looking for.
And, for the sake of my family, I'm gonna give it to him.
Damn it, why did I get such a loud pacemaker?!
Tray, Kenneth is not coming.
You think I don't know that?!
When I went up to Ken's office earlier,
I saw his schedule on his assistant's pornography box.
- You mean computer? - Whatever!
He doesn't have meetings. He's avoiding me!
What am I, my son's piano recital?!
Put yourself in Kenneth's shoes.
I can't! He's not here! Stop torturing me!
He's running the network.
He doesn't need you asking him for stuff.
Whatever it is you need, we can do it.
Unless you need us to hate the new Taylor Swift album.
That girl has feelings.
You're wrong, Dot Com! What I need, only Kenneth can do!
Only Kenneth!
We were doing just fine before Kenneth ever got here!
Just fine!
You wanted to see me, sir?
Kenneth, since we last spoke, I've been in a spiral --
An upward spiral.
Oh, that's not a thing.
Neither is talking two Catholic beauties
Into a delicious vanilla-caramel sex swirl,
But I did it... And I got rid of their accents.
Oh, Jack,
Porking in that prison basement was wicked awesome.
Oh, thank you, you two, for blowing my brains.
So who's happy now, Parcell?
Well, if you have to ask the question --
And answer it.
I am, you string cheese with a tooth stuck in it!
Look at the Wheel!
- Well, then, smile, Mr. Donaghy! - I am!
Jack, you are gonna love this, you magnificent bastard!
Someone leaked your new salary.
Occupy Wall Street is having a conniption!
- Really? - They burned you in effigy!
The hair went up like a Roman candle!
And the Democrats, they don't even know what to do with themselves!
Just look at this jackass.
Jack Donaghy is an economic war criminal.
If the Democratic Party controlled Congress,
I would see to it that he was punished in the worst way possible --
By having to come down here and listen to us.
God, I feel like I have a macropenis right now!
Ms. Lemon, how funny!
I was planning to call you, and now here you are!
Now, about our conversation earlier --
Yes, about that.
You know, I've been thinking, and you were right.
America doesn't want to see me.
America wants to see...
John Hardly.
He loves his family, but he hates the rat race.
He's... "Hardly Working."
I'm so sorry, pass.
But I do have something you'd be perfect for.
One last chance for "TGS" to make America say, "What? Why?"
What are you talking about?
Well, it turns out Mr. Jordan's "TGS" contract
Contains some rather unusual clauses.
And I don't mean those two Santas I saw kissing on the subway.
"If fewer than 150 episodes of 'TGS' are produced in total,
Mr. Jordan shall be paid a penalty of $30 million."
30?
Ms. Lemon, "TGS" has done 149 shows.
So we're gonna need you to go ahead and do one more.
I need a job, Kenneth, not one more episode of "TGS".
You are contractually required to write and produce
All episodes of "TGS".
So, see you tomorrow?
Wow. You've really changed, Kenneth.
I don't think so. You look nice today!
Shut your chin slit.
Yes, ma'am!
Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport.
Follow yellow signs to baggage claim and ground transportation.
Excuse me, ma'am, do you need a wheelchair to baggage claim?
Shut it down.
I will return to my first love -- Broadway!
You Eastern-European-knockoff Mr. Potato Heads!
Why haven't you come to see me?!
Why didn't you return any of my calls?!
I tried, sir, but no one answered.
I'm Tracy Jordan! I don't answer phones!
Kenneth, you once made a promise
That you would always be there for me.
I know. I'm sorry. I would never break a promise.
Good, 'cause I need you to do something for me.
Of course. Just name it!
Kenneth, I need you to take back your promise.
Sir?
I know what it is to blow up overnight.
And I'm not talking about my gout.
When I got big, a lot of people from my past wanted stuff from me,
And, well...
I don't want to be that person for you.
So, like the snakes I kept in my dressing room,
I release you.
Mr. Jordan...
Thank you, sir!
I think I'm gonna need a tissue.
Am I supposed to drop this on the floor?
And while we're naming things,
My car ran out of gas on the Long Island Expressway.
Yes, sir.
Okay, Jack, I need a job. I'm looking for six figures --
Eight if you're counting cents, which I fell for once before.
Not cool, The Gap!
I'd love to help you, Lemon, but I don't think I can.
I resigned as CEO of Kabletown an hour ago.
What? Why?
Because I felt nothing.
I got the job, I pissed off my enemies --
Pelosi, Maddow, Baldwin.
It should have been the greatest moment of my life.
No-no-no, no, no! Eyes off the window!
Focus on Lemon. What am I gonna do now?
I could try and help you --
Make some calls and see what bridges I haven't burned --
But I'm not going to,
For your own good.
Work is never going to make you happy, Lemon.
And anyone who tells you differently is a fool.
Are you kidding me?!
What have we been talking about for the last seven years?!
I don't know anymore.
For the first time in my life, I don't know what I need.
Maybe I'll buy a boat.
Oh, my God.
This whole time you've been telling me how to run my life,
You didn't know what you were talking about.
You're just an alcoholic with a great voice.
Careful, Lemon. You're playing with fire.
You made me buy into this whole life!
When I met you, I was perfectly happy with what I had --
Eating night cheese and transitioning my pajamas into daywear.
You're the one who told me to want more.
And now, when I need you most, you are bailing on me?!
You're an adult, Lemon. You didn't have to listen to me.
Really?! When was that an option?!
Look, if you want someone to blame, blame yourself.
You're the one who wormed your way into my brain
With your endless hand-wringing and feelings.
I used to be a shark, and then you un-shark-ulated me.
I called you up here for one meeting seven years ago,
And you kept coming up!
So we ruined each other. Good to know.
You know, it's for the best that my show is over
And you've quit and we're all going our separate ways.
I guess you and I were just a boss and his employee.
And now we're not anymore.
Yes, that pretty much sums it up.
There! You're no longer special to him!
Get out! Get out of our lives!
Yes!
Put your helmet on, Pete.
This last episode is gonna be a hot mess.
How so?
If "TGS" doesn't do one more show, Tracy gets $30 million.
Oh NBC.
The same company that suggested we get flush buddies to save water.
Liz, Tracy has landed.
Of course he has, because if he didn't --
He'd be in breach of contract and wouldn't get the money.
Which means he's gonna try to find another way to ruin the show.
7x13 Last Lunch
Seven years, and Tracy never changed.
Well, people are who they are, Liz.
This is Dan Silversmith with Carolina Mutual.
I can't talk right now. I'm with a customer.
Well, whatever sideways nonsense Tracy tries to pull,
I'm gonna hold him down.
I'm gonna hold him down like that machine Kathy Geiss invented
That hugs old people.
My God, this will change elder care forever.
Whoops. Nope.
Hello, Tracy.
So, one last show. Pretty crazy, huh?
Indeed, Elizabeth. I hope nothing goes wrong.
Why would it?
I mean, you're here, fulfilling your contract.
Sure am, L. L.
The only thing that can stop this show is an act of God.
Or if some genius figured out a way
To staaaalllll juuuuusssst lonnnnnng eeeeenoughhhhh --
No! Nice try!
Get that out of here!
It's the final showdown, Tray.
You're gonna have to do better than that.
The night is young, and neither are you.
Okay. Thank you, everybody, for coming in on such short notice.
I know some of you have already gotten other jobs.
Not me.
Anyway...
We have been given a second chance to end this right,
On our terms.
So... What are we going to order for our last free lunch?
- Momofuku! - Guy Fieri's restaurant ironically!
Nothing, thank you.
Cerie, whose turn is it to choose lunch today?
Who is... The Picker?
You picked last time, Liz.
So, alphabetically after "Lemon" comes --
Oh, no.
Blimpie's!
- Come on, Lutz! - Solve this, Frank!
Hello, Lemon.
What are you doing here? I thought you quit.
In the cushions of my couch I found this customer-loyalty card
To a place called Blazer Barn.
I assume it's yours.
Thank you.
It's Manhattan's largest out-of-business women's blazer dump.
Look, I didn't like the way we ended things yesterday.
Yeah, I've got a lot of work to do.
I'm sorry we argued, but I'm not myself lately.
I-I quit the job I worked my entire life to get
And now I feel... Adrift.
No! We're not doing this.
Today is the last "TGS" ever.
The point is, I'm going away, probably for a long time.
I assume that's code for a billionaire soul-searching trip
To Tan Penis Island.
Have fun.
We're at the end here, Lemon. We shouldn't hold grudges.
For your information,
Most of Tan Penis Island was destroyed in Sting's house fire.
... Are encouraged to take this storm severely seriously.
Wait, where are you guys going?
Sorry, Liz. We gotta get out of here before the roads close.
There's a snowicane coming!
... Especially midtown Manhattan
Between Saks Fifth Avenue and the Variety Deli.
Oh, no! That's right where we are!
According to the National Weather Service,
You should, and I quote,
"Leave work, get in your purple Bentley,
And be home with your sharks"
Before the tri-state area gets slammed by what is being called
Snowicane White Lady Name Like Dorva Or Something.
Everybody back to work!
Aw, jeez!
What did you do to Al Roker to make him to do that?
Let's just say his wife is on the board of a children's hospital,
And they need a celebrity to host their annual gala,
And I threatened to do it!
Do you understand how selfish you're being?
Our crew has been together for seven years,
And tonight is everyone's chance to say good-bye.
So get up on that stage and cut the B. S.!
But I promised Barbra Streisand I'd never stab her again!
Jenna...
You've been friends with Lemon for a long time.
- She and I had an argument yesterday. - Really?
Did Liz scream in your face? Did you pin her up against the wall?
Were your shirts wet with rain?
I mean, obviously we've had disagreements before,
But this... Feels different.
After tonight, I feel like Lemon and I could go our separate ways
And never see each other again. Is that crazy?
Not really. You know Liz. She can hold a grudge.
She did want me to cancel "Top Chef"
Because Colicchio's lunch place
Changed the toppings on her favorite salad.
And with people, forget about it.
She's never stayed friends with an ex.
When Conan dumped her, she dropped him forever.
Hey, Liz.
Come on, you can't pretend I don't exist!
We dated for a year!
We were gonna lose our virginity to each other!
Now I'll never lose it!
And her friends? She'll cut people off for doing nothing.
I'm afraid to even tell her that I Frenched her dad on New Year's.
I don't know what to do. I've lost so much already.
The past few months have been really hard.
And now Lemon!
Did the doctor that prescribes your antidepressants go to jail, too?
You see, I don't have that many people in my life.
I spent Christmas alone in the Hamptons,
Drinking Scotch and throwing firecrackers at Billy Joel's dog!
I'm just in a really bad place,
And I don't know how much more I can take!
Daddy, please stop crying!
I printed out the Blimpie's menu.
Okay, how about this?
Yesterday, a bunch of us came in to clean out our desks,
More than half of us.
Yes! A quorum!
And you weren't here, Lutz.
And lunch rule precedent stipulates that disputes will be resolved
By picking a new name.
Toofer, the can!
Gladly.
What the hell? It's stuck to me. Oh, God! And it's Lutz!
Why is it so sticky?!
I wrote it on flypaper.
I'm five steps ahead of you, you sons of bitches!
Blimpie's!
Liz, have you seen Jack today?
He just came into my dressing room and started crying.
He's in a really bad place.
Like when Mickey Rourke --
Okay, I can't do this anymore. I've never met Mickey Rourke.
What do you want me to do, Jenna --
Shut down the show to make Jack feel better about bailing on me?
I'm just really worried. And if you won't do anything, I will.
On behalf of the network, Ms. Maroney,
I think you should sing at the end of the show tonight.
Wonderful! I'll need 10 pianos.
Good luck with, uh, Jack!
Does everybody have to be crazy today?!
Beloved coworkers!
Oh, life.
It goes by so fast.
We barely look at each other.
I didn't realize all this was going on!
Good-bye. Good-bye, world.
Good-bye, Long Hair Guy. Good-bye, Richard Esposito.
Go home to your wife and eight beautiful children.
You're all so beautiful.
What the what?
Um, guys?
I know I don't normally say much, but --
What, woman?! Speak!
Well, officially the show was cancelled two weeks ago.
So isn't this technically season eight?
Which means we start over at the beginning of the alphabet!
So the new Picker is...
- Me! - What?! No!
"Lutz" isn't first!
You changed your name to "Aardvark"?!
That's insane!
Shhhhhhh.
Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
Blimpie's.
So, have you picked out a song for tonight, Ms. Maroney?
A perfect song!
As I'm sure you know, I have returned to my first love, Broadway,
In a musical adaptation of the film of the novel "The Rural Juror".
- I'm sorry, the what? - At the end of Act Two...
My character, Constance Justice, sings the title song.
It's a tearful goodbye to her true love, Norman Blurder, the Rural Juror.
It sounds emotional!
Listen to this.
♪ I will never forget you, Rural Juror! ♪
What? What is that face?
I don't know, Ms. Maroney. It just seems like you're faking it.
Well, of course I am. I'm an ac-tor.
And acting is all cheap tricks that any child or monkey could do.
To act drunk, you just wear two different size heels.
And to cry, you just clutch a shard of broken glass.
Ms. Maroney, this is the end of "TGS".
You need to show real emotion.
Hmm.
Real emotion.
It's not really my thing.
Maybe if I had something to be sad about.
Are you kidding?
After tonight, you may not see any of us ever again.
Stop trying to cheer me up! I need to feel sad!
Then I guess you'll have to figure out
Something that you'll miss about this place.
But maybe it's not a thing so much as a person.
Well, that's not going to be easy, Kenneth,
Considering I'm the only person who works here.
Why are you wearing that weird necklace?
I always wear this. I want to be buried in it.
So, if anything ever happens to me and you can't find my body
But you can find this, don't overthink it.
Just bury the necklace and move on.
Okay. Why are you wearing Jack's watch?
Oh, that's not part of it. Jack just gave this to me.
He's been giving his stuff away all day.
I want you to have this bag of my hair.
Why is he acting so crazy?
He's crying one minute, happy the next, giving away all his stuff.
Sounds like someone's got a case of the ol' kablooeys.
We've all been there.
You think Jack Donaghy's gonna kill himself? No way.
Jack has never quit anything in his life.
- That's for you. - Except his dream job... Yesterday.
Thing is, any fool can kill himself. You know what a real man does?
Fakes his own death. But you gotta be smart.
Plan it slowly over eight or nine years.
And then, when it's "go time,"
No big withdrawals from your bank account.
Instead, the day before it goes down, you deposit $70.
Why would a guy planning to fake his death deposit $70? He wouldn't!
What the hell are you talking about?!
Oh, sorry. Work.
Y'all get my fax?
Elizabeth.
Sweet, funny Elizabeth.
Your light always shone the brightest, baby.
You're coming to the show tonight, right?
I'll be watching.
Not sure from where, but I'll be with you... In spirit.
Weird!
Come on, Tray, leave the dancers alone.
What's going on?
Why aren't you smiling bravely while Tracy tells you
Your butt looks like two slippery hams?
Where's Tracy?!
We have no idea, Liz.
I've been so distracted lately.
Grizz just found out his uncle
Left him a bed and breakfast outside Santa Fe.
I'm gonna be a real fish out of water!
What are you talking about?
What is that?! Does everyone see that?!
Okay! Whatever! I know you know where Tracy is!
Did he promise you some of the $30 million?
- Yes, $1 million. - Yes, $20,000.
Wait, what?!
Okay, that's it! Tray is exactly where you think he is, Liz.
It's the closest thing he has to hiding out in a church.
[Gasps 1 Oh.
It's 5:00! Where the frak is our lunch?!
We can't break him, Liz. He's not human!
Why are you doing this to us?!
I'll tell you why!
Because for seven years, you have yelled at me
And turned the lights out on me when I was in the bathroom
And written on me while I was sleeping
'Cause I was Lutz --
Dumb, old, uncool, part-Inuit, bisexual, 51-year-old Lutz.
Well, today, I am The Picker!
And I want you to feel what I've felt for the last seven years --
Anger and disappointment and regret!
And when that sandwich slides out of you in a week, look at it!
Because that is Lutz's revenge!
Cerie, for lunch today, I would like to pick Blimpie's.
No! No!
Cerie, sushi from Nobu 57,
Dessert from "Make My Cake" in Harlem.
I'll be back... I hope.
♪ We are young! ♪
Yeah, you're not that young, either. Get down, please.
Give it up for Liz Lemon, everybody -- the least molested person in here.
I don't even get your play here, Tray. You're in breach now.
You stay here, you don't get the money.
If you think it's about the money, you're even dumber than I look.
So you're just doing this for no reason at all,
For the fun of ruining everyone's chance to say good-bye?
I'm doing this because I don't want to say good-bye to everyone.
Anybody who's ever left me in my life just left --
My dad going to get a pack of smokes and never coming back,
All those foster parents talking about adopting me and never did.
I don't want tonight's show to happen
Because I don't know how to say good-bye, Liz Lemon.
Now on stage, feast your eyes on the Skank Train!
Oh, boy. Okay.
Look, Tray, it's not good-bye forever.
I've enjoyed working with you,
And I'm sure we'll get to do it again sometime.
And we're all gonna stay friends.
I'm sorry, is that the white lady's way
Of saying "I'm going out to get cigarettes"?
'Cause that good-bye was atrocious.
Fine! Well, I guess there's a reason people don't say honest good-byes.
Because when stuff is coming to an end,
People freak out and they act crazy.
They pick fights, and they pick Blimpie's,
And I don't know what Pete's doing!
So you lie to them.
But if you want a hardcore truth good-bye...
Lay it on me.
Okay.
We were forced to be friends because of work.
And we're probably not gonna hang out after this.
You'll say that you're gonna invite me to your house,
And it's never gonna happen.
And I'll see on TV that it's your birthday
And I'll forget to call.
Working with you was hard, Tracy.
You frustrated me and you wore me out.
But because the human heart
Is not properly connected to the human brain,
I love you and I'm gonna miss you.
But tonight might be it.
Brutally honest.
I like that.
So you'll come do the show?
I'll come back, L. L.
But we're gonna watch this first.
Ride the train, ladies!
Ride the train.
Kenneth, what are you doing?!
Brian Williams needs a mirror on the floor of his bathroom.
I guess you want that if you have a glass toilet.
But the show's over after tonight, so what do you care?
But... My mirror.
Oh, my God.
It's all over.
Am I crying?
I have no way to see if I'm crying!
Oh, thank God!
Last lunch!
No Lutz!
Last lunch!
No Lutz!
Cupcake sandwich!
Cupcake sandwich!
Crap. Motherhood has made me go soft.
Lutz, the food is here. Come eat --
Oh, God! Cover the food!
Blimpie's!
Cerie, you heard the man.
Blimpie's.
I was thinking about what you said earlier,
How people get sloppy when they fake their own deaths.
You said that.
The trick is to wait for the right moment --
A day when it makes sense to have a drink or two.
I don't know, maybe a sad occasion
When something's coming to an end.
You let people see you with a glass in your hand.
That way, after the crash, they'll be like,
"I did see him drinking."
Oh, God, that idiot! What did he do?!
Yeah, that's what they'll say.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Don't worry, Lemon.
There is no cause for alarm.
You are watching my video suicide note.
[$881181 Oh, my God!
Try not to blame yourself.
How were you to know that I was in such a dark place
That the smallest thing --
For example, a close friend's refusal to reconcile --
Would be the final straw?
He killed himself because of me!
This is like what happened with my gynecologist all over again!
I do have a parting gift for you, Lemon --
His phone! I can track his phone!
Go to YouTube and search
"Hamlet the mini pig goes down stairs."
"Hamlet the mini pig" -- No! Phone first!
I'll watch the pig video in the cab.
One minute. One minute to air.
Guys, to be honest, you are nerds, and one of you is very funny.
Good-bye forever.
Good-bye, Petey Pete.
I will forget you.
I sure hope so, Tray.
I sure hope so.
Tracy and Jenna, please set yourselves.
Tracy...
I'm really gonna miss you.
My baloney, in all honesty...
I'm going out for cigarettes now, and I'll be home in 15 minutes.
Tracy and Jenna, please set yourselves for "The Hitlersons".
My good side for camer-ah.
Jack! Wait!
There's so much to live for!
Don't you want to know how "Mad Men" ends?!
Or Don goes to work for Peggy!
Hello, Lemon.
What?! I thought you were gonna kill yourself!
That was the idea. It was extreme but necessary.
I didn't want to be just another person on your grudge list.
Which reminds me -- why am I still seeing new "Top Chefs"
With that bald salad-ruiner?!
I had 10 hours to force you to confront the soul-crushing horror
Of a life without me.
I didn't lie when I said I was going away.
I'm off to discover what makes me happy.
I have to find my bliss --
Which, for once, is not an acronym for "Beautiful Ladies In Short Shorts."
How long will you be gone?
As long as it takes to figure out what's next.
Although I've only been on this boat a minute,
I've already realized two things about myself.
One -- I could totally be a professional boat model.
And two -- I do know one thing
That has made me happy these last seven years.
Lemon, there is a word, a once-special word
That's been tragically co-opted by the romance-industrial complex.
And I would hate to use it here and have you think
That I am suggesting any kind of romantic sentiment,
Let alone an invitation to scale bone mountain.
It's a word that comes to us by way of the old high German "luba"
From the Latin "lubere," meaning "to be pleasing."
So I am going to use this word to describe how I feel about you
In the way that our Anglo-Saxon forefathers would have used it
In reference to, say, uh, a hot bowl of bear meat
Or your enemy's skull... Split.
I love you, too, Jack.
Thank you, America! That's our show.
Not a lot of people watched it,
But the joke's on you, 'cause we got paid anyway.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jenna Maroney.
♪ The Irma Luhrmer-Merman murder ♪
♪ Turned the bird's word lurid ♪
♪ The whir and the purr of a twirler girl ♪
♪ She would the world were demurer ♪
♪ The insurer's allure for valor were pure Kari Wuhrer ♪
♪ One fervid whirl over her turgid error ♪
♪ Rural juror ♪
♪ Rural juror ♪
♪ I will never forget you, rural juror ♪
♪ I'll always be glad I met you, rural juror ♪
This is just the start, Lemon.
Imagine the insights months on this boat will yield.
The next time you see me, I'll be a new man.
Good-bye, Jack Donaghy.
Good God, Lemon, I just figured it all out!
I'm turning around! Clear dishwashers!
- What?! - Clear dishwashers!
So you can see what's going on inside it!
Oh, my God, yes! Do that!
It's the best idea I've ever had!
Thank God I took that boat trip.
♪ I will never forget you, rural juror ♪
♪ I'll always be glad I met you, rural juror ♪
♪ I will never forget you, rural juror ♪
♪ I'll always be glad I met you, rural juror ♪
♪ These were the best days of my... ♪
♪ Fluuuurm ♪
- Get in the car, Pete. - Paula!
I mean, who's Pete?
I have amnesia!
Oh, damn it, I practiced this!
Hi, buddies.
Wait, you're Sam?
Don't. Even. Say it.
I want to thank the brilliant Kevin Grisham,
The amazing John Stamos,
The incomparable Judge Judy Sheindlin --
Hey, what are you doing?! They called my name!
See you later, suckers!
Meep-meep! Peowwww!
She'll be like, "What?"
Hey, Lemon ice, can I call you back?
My dad finally came back from getting cigarettes!
Lemon, it's Jack. Don't forget Tracy's birthday.
Good morning, Mr. Donaghy.
I'm your new second assistant.
Wait, you're Sam?!
Mm-hmm.
So, the whole show just takes place here at 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
Is that right, Miss Lemon?
Yes, sir. It's based on stories my great-grandmother told me.
I know.
And I love it.