I Do Do

- previously on 30 rock...

- so you're... - in three weddings

On the same day, yeah.

- fate is telling us we're each other's

Settling soul mates.

- I've been seeing someone else,

And I think I'm in love with both of you.

- jack wants me to stall?

So I'm gonna marry...

Japheth.

And we're gonna live in...

Nineveh.

And I'm gonna be a...

Prostitute.

- yes, I continued to see other people.

- one person, who apparently you're also in love with.

- it's possible. Haven't you ever read archie comics?

- jack, I got divorced.

- I didn't know if you would ever leave mark,

So I let myself fall into something else.

You look amazing in that dress.

- you look like a gay mortician in that suit.

- you know, kenneth, I have a thankless job.

For example, I'm here on a saturday

To show around some kabletown folks.

Chk-chk! Boom!

- [exclaims] - it's not real.

Point is, I usually only get to deliver bad news.

But not today.

Kenneth, you are the new...

Junior in-charge boy of the entire nbc page program.

- oh, my goodness!

This is my dream come true.

And to hear it from my best friend in the whole world,

Comma, bald category.

- well, you start in two weeks.

And they'll give you some moving money to help you get to l. A.

- california?

I can't move out there

And be away from all of you.

No, thank you, sir. I'll pass.

- you can't pass. Jack put you up for this.

If you don't want the job, you have to talk to him.

- fine. I will talk to him.

And mr. Donaghy will understand

'Cause he's my best friend in the whole world,

Comma, beautiful hair category, parentheses, strong.

- ♪ And a man must leave his mother ♪

♪ And a woman needs her bones ♪

- what can I say, nancy?

I want to be with you.

I want to take naps with you.

I want to watch you watch a hockey game.

I want to find long red hairs in my overcooked pot roast.

I love you.

I do love you,

Because you know that what I really am

Is a poor mama's boy from sadchester, massachusetts

Who had to wear his sister's hand-me-down corduroys.

- they were orange and had hearts for pockets.

- and you like me anyway.

- yeah, I get it, jack,

But what are you gonna do about it?

I can't share you with another woman

Like you're that mormon guy on hbo

Who was in that tornado movie.

The one with the girl with the forehead

Who was married to that jewish guy.

- what?

- I'm a mom. Give me a break.

I need to know right now,

Are you in or are you out?

- in. Nancy, I'm in.

- okay.

Then I'm in too.

- ♪ Sum of all his parts

♪ There is a love

♪ Floyd and kaitlyn

[High] ♪ There is love...

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

- paul? What are you doing?

- I thought you were going to get

Your hair done for your friend's wedding.

- I was, but I forgot my bag of hair.

Is this who you're into now?

Cher?

You're being another woman behind my back?

- it's not what it looks like.

- oh, spare me your lame excuses.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned,

But when a girl dates a straight man

Who impersonates her on stage for mostly gay audiences,

She has certain expectations.

Fidelity, paul.

It's not just the name of a bank that sued me.

- but I love you both equally.

- I don't know what to tell you.

But you have to choose.

It's her or me.

- [as Cher] jenna, babe, wait.

[Normal voice] I'm sorry.

That came out wrong.

[Door slams]

[Jack whispering indistinctly]

- mr. Donaghy! - [screams]

- oh, god, kenneth! - I need to talk to you

About an urgent page-related matter.

- god, he came out of nowhere.

- we can talk on monday.

Ms. Donovan and I have an hour between weddings to, uh--

- tickle each other like teletubbies.

That's how I used to explain it to my kids

When they walked in on us.

- but I don't want my promotion, sir.

I want to stay here in new york with all my friends.

- I'm not going to let you say no, kenneth.

This is a promotion for you.

And, yes, it's difficult,

But today is about pulling triggers.

It's about making bold choices.

It's about-- - two spider-mans fighting,

And sometimes they make weird noises,

But they're not hurting each other.

- how often did they walk in on you?

- a lot.

- if you'll excuse me.

- d'oh, bother! Treble bother!

- what is it?

- my fancy dress slippers.

I left them in my office.

- so go get them and meet me at cerie's wedding.

- no. When I was fired,

I vowed on the snipes name

I would never set foot in there again.

Also kevin in security has a picture of me.

- so, what, you want me to go get your tuxedo shoes?

- see? Our minds are already one

As our bodies soon shall be.

There's the address.

- of course. You work in insurance.

- specializing in the transportation industry.

Fulfills my boyhood passion for train accidents.

- fine. I'll go get your shoes.

- farewell, my luscious plum.

- oh, son of a--

- why is your face like that?

- california? No way, ken.

Look, you got to tank this promotion.

Do a sloppy job, and they'll leave you alone.

That's how I got out of doing foreplay with angie.

And my taxes.

- that's not in my nature.

- if you've learned anything from me,

It's how to do a bad job.

Go. Honor me.

Save yourself.

But first get me a sandwich.

- get it yourself, chubbs. I'm on a coffee break.

- that's my boy.

[Jazz music]

♪

- oh. I'm gonna hit the ladies' room real quick.

You can never tell when one

Of these non-denominational, goof-around weddings

Is gonna start.

- jack donaghy. - paul l'astname.

I'm jenna's boyfriend.

- oh, I've heard a lot about you, paul.

- well, it's all true.

I'm a native of houston, and I love to cook healthy.

- and the female impersonator stuff.

- oh, sure. Of course.

It's actually been causing some problems at home lately.

Do you think it's possible to love two women at once?

- I know it's possible.

But at some point, you have to choose, paul.

You can't delude yourself with thoughts like,

"What if I could somehow combine them into one perfect woman,

Like a s'more you could take a shower with?"

- but how do you know if you've made the right decision?

- you don't.

You'll always be wondering

What your life would have been like

If you'd opened that other door.

- like at a haunted house sex party.

- exactly.

- thank you, jack.

- come on, jessup. Get it together. No tears.

[Thud]

- everything all right in there?

- I'm fine. Thank you.

- here. You need this more than I do.

I never put my mouth on it.

- thanks. - you look so familiar to me.

- oh, I'm a financial reporter for cnbc.

The hot box with avery jessup.

- no. You ever do a commercial for overshoppe. Com?

- oh, god, I did.

Oh, that was before I got rid of my maryland accent.

- does the "o" have it? "O," we do.

Do you "o"? "O," no?

Let go. "O."

- ugh. That accent's idiotic.

Anyway, nice to meet you, avery jessup.

I'm nancy. - hi.

I'm not normally this--ahem--overwhelmed.

I-I came here to talk to my boyfriend

Or whatever he is.

I mean, this whole situation--

Clamp down, jessup! Be a winner.

[Sighs]

Oh, my god.

I can't drink this.

- you wanna talk about it?

- oh, tuxedo slippers. Give me a break.

- excuse me.

I'm supposed to meet you here?

- huh?

- are you wesley? I'm carol.

- I'm sorry. What's happening now?

- I'm supposed to meet a wesley

About my insurance claim.

- wesley doesn't work here anymore.

- are you serious?

I mean, I made the appointment,

Like, a month ago. I rearranged my whole saturday.

- are you a doorman?

- yeah, I'm a doorman... To the sky.

I'm a pilot.

- oh, okay.

- well, look, it's a pretty standard workman's comp claim.

I'm sure you could handle it.

I was flying at 7:00 a. M. From tampa to louisville,

And we had a two-hour weather delay,

So naturally all the passengers got drunk.

Generally speaking, if there's a delay

Of more than 20 minutes, I might as well be driving a party bus.

It's just idiocy.

I don't know what's going on in this country.

- I know. People wear flip-flops to church.

And the nba tattoo situation is out of control.

- thank you. Anyway, we're about a half hour into the flight,

I hear this commotion behind me in the cabin,

So I exit the cockpit, I go down the aisle,

And to my left, I see--

- [gasps] a terrorist?

- no. I wish. It's a drunk lady.

She's pulled her pants off, and she's ranting.

She's complaining about the in-flight entertainment.

So things got a little heated...

And I had to implement sky law.

- what's... - sky law.

It's when I put on the "fasten seatbelt" sign,

And no one's allowed to move

Till we've had ten minutes of silence.

I made the whole thing up.

But, you know, people are stupid,

So they don't question it.

- that is awesome.

So what is the workman's comp part of this?

- eventually, I flipped the drunk lady off,

She bit my finger. - [laughs]

- I know. It was totally unprofessional.

But she was bagging pretty hard on my tgs.

- what? - tgs.

It's this late-night show on nbc.

We run it in-flight when we're northwest-bound.

Basically, the greatest thing ever on television.

I don't stand for anybody besmirching it on my aircraft.

- do you believe in fate?

- wait a minute. Are you kidding me?

You write for tgs with tracy jordan?

- I'm the head writer.

I'm not an insurance claims adjustor.

I'm just here because my cousin...

- well, I mean, it's my favorite show ever.

There's the one fart doctor sketch

Where this fart doctor's trying to figure out who farted

In the spelling bee, and he's like...

- "he who spelt it, dealt it."

I wrote that. I write all of the fart doctors.

- I can't believe this.

- would you like to go to a rich girl's wedding with me?

- I don't know. Does that sound like more fun

Than me eating alone at the laguardia chili's?

- I won't leave you, sir.

No matter what it takes.

Good afternoon, and welcome... Not.

We begin our stupid tour

Of this once-great network

Outside studio 6h.

Uh-oh. Ring-ring.

Hmm. What's up?

Nothing. Just giving a dumb tour to a bunch of uggos.

Let's meet up later

And smoke some drug cigarettes.

[Laughter]

- you're a pilot, huh?

I should pick your brain.

I'm developing a daytime talk show with sully sullenberger.

- yeah, I met that guy.

He's not that great.

You know what a great pilot would have done?

Not hit the birds.

That's what I do every day-- not hit birds.

Where's my ticket to the grammys?

- hey, what took you so long in the bathroom?

- the usual ladies' room nonsense.

Girl with boyfriend troubles.

Someone forgot tampons.

Everybody's bad at science and math.

You know the drill.

- the ceremony will be starting soon.

- I'll get our table number.

You get as many drinks as you can carry.

- I'll see you at the reception, liz.

Jack. - carol.

- get ready for some of this.

Later.

- he's here with you?

- indeed he is.

I see that nancy is still here.

You're welcome.

- smug 40-year-old bridesmaid. What a treat for everyone.

Yes, lemon, I am with nancy now.

- what made up your mind?

- well, I decided that any decision

Was better than no decision at all.

- huh. I don't know, jack.

I used to feel that way too, but now I know.

You can't force your fate.

You just have to let it wash over you,

Like a spray tan that won't take because your skin is too oily.

- that's absurd, lemon.

The world is made by those who control

Their own destiny.

It isn't made by those who don't do.

It's made by those who do do,

Which is what made me the man I am.

I do do.

- yeah.

- grow up, lemon.

The point is I made my choice, and I'm not looking back.

Period. - period.

- avery jessup?

Son of a--

[Thud]

- what did you do on your tour today?

Those were the kabletown executives.

Our new bosses.

- sir, I was just trying to do a bad job

So I wouldn't have to go to los angeles.

Everyone there smiles creepily all the time.

And that's sort of my thing.

- kenneth, you're not going

To los angeles. - oh.

- because they're making me fire you.

You're fired.

[Door opens and shuts]

- ready?

- here. This is yours.

- oh, nancy, I'm sorry.

This is an embarrassing oversight.

- jack, this morning at church,

You told me all the reasons that you loved me,

Some more graphic

Than were appropriate for the setting.

Now I want you to tell me

What's so special about this other woman.

- well, I like how she's less hot than you.

- I'm serious.

- what can I say?

She's smart. She's pretty.

She can tell you the dow 40 in order of market cap.

She knows how to field dress a deer.

Why do you-- - go on.

- okay.

- her laugh is like music.

Really mean music.

And she always wears high heels

Because, according to her, flat shoes are for quitters.

For god's sake, what can I say?

You'd like her. - so you weren't lying

When you said you were in love with two women?

- no. I wasn't lying. - good.

Then I feel a lot better about leaving.

- what? - avery's here, jack.

And she's pregnant.

- oh, my god.

This is crazy.

- ah, it's fate.

You were supposed to be a dad.

And by the way, when I blew your mind last night,

I was giving it about 50%. [Clicks tongue]

- unhand my fiancee!

- no, no, he's just a groomsman.

And a somali pirate. Careful.

- you tried to end our engagement

With a textual transmission.

Your behavior as a fiancee

Has been as weak as american tea.

There. I've said it.

Our first argument, everyone.

- you're engaged?

What if the bachelorette party theme was sluts?

- no, the engagement is off.

You keep talking about how fate is trying to push us together.

You know what, it is. But not to meet you.

To meet the right man.

His name is carol.

Like carroll o'connor from nick at nite.

- exactly, cerie. Thank you.

Carol is the one that I was fated to meet.

And, yeah, I've only known him for a few hours,

And maybe this sounds crazy,

But I already feel like I could spend

The rest of my life with him.

He's the one that I've been waiting for.

And someday, when carol sees my disgusting foot secret,

He's gonna be okay with it.

I can tell.

You were wrong, wesley.

We don't have to settle.

The moms were wrong.

Stupid buzz aldrin was wrong.

So thank you and good-bye.

Praise to the universe. Love is real!

- fine.

It's your loss.

There's only one wesley snipes in this world.

- you know there isn't.

- [grunts angrily]

- how much of that did you hear?

- well, you were engaged.

Apparently you hate buzz aldrin.

Foot problem.

And you and I are going to spend

The rest of our lives together.

- I see.

I'm sure you could get a cab on houston.

- yeah, I'm gonna depart.

On time.

I'm a pilot.

- [sighs]

- jack.

- carol.

- ♪ In your eyes

♪ In your eyes

♪ There is a light

♪ In your eyes

♪ In your eyes

- could you turn that down, please?

- ♪ There is a light

[Music ends]

- mazel tov.

- I'm trying to tell you I want to get married.

- oh, for god's sakes, jack.

What do you think, you're just gonna sweep me off my feet?

This pregnancy is two years ahead of schedule.

I'm suing dodecacil.

I'm suing you. I'm suing this baby.

- you can't control everything, avery.

Sometimes it's just fate.

- ugh. Is their gay juice in the champagne?

- see. I want you to teach our child

How to say awesome stuff like that.

- I would be a kick-ass mom.

But if this is just you trying to do the right thing--

- no. I want this.

I've always wanted this.

But maybe it's too hard.

The career, motherhood,

Keeping it tight

To stay camera-ready for breaking news.

I mean, sure, soledad o'brien does it, but--

- I wipe the floor with that bitch.

Let's do this.

- love is patient.

Love is weird and sometimes gross.

Love is elusive, and you have found it.

So treasure it.

To grizz and feyonce.

[Applause]

- on behalf of grizz and feyonce,

I'd like to thank jack donaghy

For letting us have this reception here

After the other location couldn't support the weight

Of grizz's extended family.

[Applause]

- naturally, I blew it.

Now I'm alone in a dashiki.

I wonder what that somali pirate's deal is.

I could live on a boat.

- I don't even know where paul went.

I guess he made his choice.

- you know what? Forget men.

We've got each other.

- yeah. Let's go lez.

- no, I meant, like, a book club or something. Jeez.

- right. Sisterhood.

That's something we can count on.

I'll never-- is that paul?

- you have a lot of taped-up balls

To come here dressed like that.

- oh, my god.

- if this is gonna work, jenna,

It can't just be all about you.

- but... - no buts.

I'm the man here, and you're gonna respect me.

- yes, shma'am.

- lemon, you know that's a young boy's puberty dashiki.

- wrong, jack. It's a warlord's concubine dashiki.

Avery, you're here.

I'm not surprised. Why should I be?

- and I'm pregnant.

- also not shocking me. Reacting appropriately.

- lemon, I think your pilot friend is looking for you.

- [scoffs] SO?

I thought he was gone forever.

I guess I should go talk to him.

Carol, what are you doing here?

How did you get past security?

- you walk briskly in a pilot's uniform,

You can go pretty much anywhere.

I've been upstairs in the white house

While the obamas were sleeping.

- I thought you had a flight.

- yeah, I do. Those dirt bags can wait

On the runway a couple more hours.

- I hate people too.

- look, I'm 39 years old, I'm single,

And lately I've been thinking there's a reason for that.

I keep expecting people to be perfect,

But nobody's perfect. - yes. Exactly.

- so if the worst thing about you

Is that you give crazy speeches to fiances

And maybe you have some kind of foot thing...

- that was a joke. I have medicine for it.

- why don't we give this a shot?

As long as you're not jewish. I'm totally kidding.

- yes. Let's do this.

And honestly, carol, I am a very normal person.

Not a good time, guys.

- liz, cher and me,

Paul, and I want to thank you for being a part

Of our lives.

- and for encouraging us to be like this.

- I can't believe I'm meeting

1 1/2 jenna maroneys right now.

Hi. Hi, there. - hi.

- carol. - carol. That's a girl's name.

- it's a family name.

[Microphone feedback]

- hey, everybody.

I got fired today.

You won't have kenneth ellen parcell to kick around anymore,

So I want to tell you people

What I really think of you.

- hey, this ain't the-- - no. No.

For four long years, I have listened to you all complain

About your east coast media elite problems,

Your apartment renovations,

And your overpriced star warsmemorabilia.

- that doorman is hammered.

- I have watched you

Throw away better food

Than my family eats at christmas.

And I have loved it.

You people, you are my best friends,

And I hope you get everything

You want in life.

[Feedback]

- kenneth! - [yells]

So kiss my face!

- that was actually really sweet.

- I'll see you all in heaven!

Have a wonderful summer!

All: ♪ JOYFUL, JOYFUL

♪ Everybody be joyful, oh, happy day ♪

♪ Oh, happy day

[Scatting]

♪ Open, open

♪ Your heart up to heaven ♪

♪ Oh, happy day

♪ Oh, happy day

♪ No more should we wander in darkness ♪

♪ The shadows have faded away ♪

♪ When you open

♪ Your heart up to heaven ♪

♪ Oh, happy day

[Scatting]

♪ Happy day, oh, happy and joyful ♪

♪ Heaven and 30 rock