Not Kenneth
Season 4
S04 · E08~22 min582 quotes

Secret Santa

Your hair is looking less weird.

Your hair is looking less weird.

0:02 — 0:03#1
Thanks.

Thanks.

0:03 — 0:04#2
Okay, Christmas gifts.

Okay, Christmas gifts.

0:04 — 0:05#3
Uh, Pete?

Uh, Pete?

0:05 — 0:07#4
Well, he keeps telling me that he wants skinny jeans.

Well, he keeps telling me that he wants skinny jeans.

0:07 — 0:10#5
So Cheese of the Month Club.

So Cheese of the Month Club.

0:10 — 0:11#6
Uh, Jenna?

Uh, Jenna?

0:11 — 0:12#7
Oh, I want to take that Internet photo of her nipple slip

Oh, I want to take that Internet photo of her nipple slip

0:12 — 0:14#8
And have it made into a jigsaw puzzle.

And have it made into a jigsaw puzzle.

0:14 — 0:16#9
Aw, she'll love that.

Aw, she'll love that.

0:16 — 0:17#10
Okay.

Okay.

0:17 — 0:18#11
Uh, Jack?

Uh, Jack?

0:18 — 0:19#12
Jack Donaghy?

Jack Donaghy?

0:19 — 0:21#13
Yeah.

Yeah.

0:21 — 0:22#14
Huh, well, I've never exchanged gifts with Jack before.

Huh, well, I've never exchanged gifts with Jack before.

0:22 — 0:25#15
But we've known each other four years.

But we've known each other four years.

0:25 — 0:27#16
I mean, we're friends, right?

I mean, we're friends, right?

0:27 — 0:28#17
Absolutely.

Absolutely.

0:28 — 0:30#18
You guys remind me of that bantering couple

You guys remind me of that bantering couple

0:30 — 0:32#19
In that old movie.

In that old movie.

0:32 — 0:33#20
Um... Meet the Parents.

Um... Meet the Parents.

0:33 — 0:34#21
Oh, my, is it yearbook time already?

Oh, my, is it yearbook time already?

0:38 — 0:41#22
The company has acquired an up-and-coming social networking

The company has acquired an up-and-coming social networking

0:41 — 0:43#23
Site called YouFace.

Site called YouFace.

0:43 — 0:44#24
So each executive has to set up their YouFace page.

So each executive has to set up their YouFace page.

0:44 — 0:47#25
Now this picture will be my "PhoLo".

Now this picture will be my "PhoLo".

0:47 — 0:48#26
Not a word.

Not a word.

0:48 — 0:49#27
Which is a contraction for "photo" and "hello".

Which is a contraction for "photo" and "hello".

0:49 — 0:51#28
YouFace.

YouFace.

0:51 — 0:53#29
Who are you facing?

Who are you facing?

0:53 — 0:54#30
No one.

No one.

0:54 — 0:55#31
Those sites are for horny, married chicks with kids

Those sites are for horny, married chicks with kids

0:55 — 0:58#32
Who want to exchange pervy emails with their old

Who want to exchange pervy emails with their old

0:58 — 1:00#33
High school boyfriends.

High school boyfriends.

1:00 — 1:01#34
And since all your high school boyfriends are now gay...

And since all your high school boyfriends are now gay...

1:01 — 1:03#35
Exactly.

Exactly.

1:03 — 1:06#36
So, Lemon, what can I do for you?

So, Lemon, what can I do for you?

1:06 — 1:08#37
Do you want to exchange Christmas presents this year?

Do you want to exchange Christmas presents this year?

1:08 — 1:09#38
Uh, just, uh...

Uh, just, uh...

1:10 — 1:12#39
I would love to.

I would love to.

1:12 — 1:13#40
Great, so what do you want?

Great, so what do you want?

1:13 — 1:15#41
Excuse me?

Excuse me?

1:15 — 1:17#42
Well, in my family, everybody just writes down what they want

Well, in my family, everybody just writes down what they want

1:17 — 1:19#43
And then, we give it to each other.

And then, we give it to each other.

1:19 — 1:20#44
And everybody has a great Christmas.

And everybody has a great Christmas.

1:20 — 1:21#45
Lemon, gift giving is the purest expression of friendship.

Lemon, gift giving is the purest expression of friendship.

1:21 — 1:25#46
I'm going to think about what I know and like about you,

I'm going to think about what I know and like about you,

1:25 — 1:28#47
And that will lead me to the perfect gift.

And that will lead me to the perfect gift.

1:28 — 1:29#48
And you do the same.

And you do the same.

1:29 — 1:31#49
So bath salts in a coffee mug...

So bath salts in a coffee mug...

1:31 — 1:34#50
Would be...

Would be...

1:34 — 1:36#51
Not it.

Not it.

1:36 — 1:38#52
Thanks.

Thanks.

2:01 — 2:02#53
Hey, new guy, how's it going?

Hey, new guy, how's it going?

2:02 — 2:04#54
Well, I'm worried.

Well, I'm worried.

2:04 — 2:05#55
I haven't been on the show the last two weeks.

I haven't been on the show the last two weeks.

2:05 — 2:07#56
Good stuff, listen.

Good stuff, listen.

2:07 — 2:08#57
Every Christmas, I collect money from the staff

Every Christmas, I collect money from the staff

2:08 — 2:09#58
And give it to the cleaning ladies.

And give it to the cleaning ladies.

2:09 — 2:10#59
Yeah, of course.

Yeah, of course.

2:10 — 2:11#60
Count me in.

Count me in.

2:11 — 2:12#61
Jenna, would you care to chip in?

Jenna, would you care to chip in?

2:12 — 2:14#62
No, thank you.

No, thank you.

2:14 — 2:16#63
I'm doing my own thing this year.

I'm doing my own thing this year.

2:16 — 2:20#64
She does this every year.

She does this every year.

2:20 — 2:21#65
She doesn't give the money because she knows that

She doesn't give the money because she knows that

2:21 — 2:23#66
The card says "From the cast and writers of T. G. S."

The card says "From the cast and writers of T. G. S."

2:23 — 2:26#67
And she'll get credit for it anyway.

And she'll get credit for it anyway.

2:26 — 2:28#68
I should make up new cards that say

I should make up new cards that say

2:28 — 2:29#69
"Happy Holidays from Everyone Except Jenna".

"Happy Holidays from Everyone Except Jenna".

2:29 — 2:32#70
But that would require me to have some

But that would require me to have some

2:32 — 2:33#71
Remaining life force, Danny.

Remaining life force, Danny.

2:33 — 2:34#72
So I'm going to go have a drink alone at the Oyster Bar.

So I'm going to go have a drink alone at the Oyster Bar.

2:34 — 2:38#73
I've been finger tagged, Lemon.

I've been finger tagged, Lemon.

2:41 — 2:42#74
Was it down by the subway entrance?

Was it down by the subway entrance?

2:42 — 2:44#75
'Cause I saw a gangly looking kid down there.

'Cause I saw a gangly looking kid down there.

2:44 — 2:46#76
"Finger tagged" means I have been contacted

"Finger tagged" means I have been contacted

2:46 — 2:48#77
By someone else on YouFace.

By someone else on YouFace.

2:48 — 2:49#78
In this case, that would be Nancy Donovan,

In this case, that would be Nancy Donovan,

2:49 — 2:51#79
The cutest girl at East Sadchester High School,

The cutest girl at East Sadchester High School,

2:51 — 2:55#80
Class of 1976.

Class of 1976.

2:55 — 2:56#81
That's the year my mom was born.

That's the year my mom was born.

2:56 — 2:58#82
Would you get us some pens?

Would you get us some pens?

2:58 — 3:02#83
See, I told you you'd find an old girlfriend.

See, I told you you'd find an old girlfriend.

3:02 — 3:04#84
She wasn't my girlfriend, Lemon.

She wasn't my girlfriend, Lemon.

3:04 — 3:05#85
But I must admit Nancy Donovan was my first crush.

But I must admit Nancy Donovan was my first crush.

3:05 — 3:09#86
My first crush was Larry Wilcox.

My first crush was Larry Wilcox.

3:09 — 3:13#87
The blonde guy from CHiPs?

The blonde guy from CHiPs?

3:13 — 3:15#88
Bowl haircut?

Bowl haircut?

3:15 — 3:16#89
Thin lips?

Thin lips?

3:16 — 3:18#90
This wasn't a T. V. Crush.

This wasn't a T. V. Crush.

3:18 — 3:19#91
This was real.

This was real.

3:19 — 3:20#92
Oh, mine got pretty real.

Oh, mine got pretty real.

3:20 — 3:22#93
Here is a woman I haven't seen in 25 years.

Here is a woman I haven't seen in 25 years.

3:22 — 3:25#94
One day on YouFace, and she finds me,

One day on YouFace, and she finds me,

3:25 — 3:27#95
Tells me that she's coming down to pick up her sons at Fordham,

Tells me that she's coming down to pick up her sons at Fordham,

3:27 — 3:29#96
And she'd love to swing by.

And she'd love to swing by.

3:29 — 3:31#97
What does that mean?

What does that mean?

3:31 — 3:33#98
Did she post you Public or P. M. You?

Did she post you Public or P. M. You?

3:33 — 3:35#99
I don't know.

I don't know.

3:35 — 3:36#100
Let's look at her page.

Let's look at her page.

3:36 — 3:37#101
Okay.

Okay.

3:37 — 3:39#102
W-W-W...

W-W-W...

3:39 — 3:42#103
Got it.

Got it.

3:42 — 3:43#104
I'll check her Face-Vault to see her previous "Bing-Bings."

I'll check her Face-Vault to see her previous "Bing-Bings."

3:43 — 3:45#105
Is YouFace hyphenated?

Is YouFace hyphenated?

3:45 — 3:48#106
Huh, six months ago, her status said she was married.

Huh, six months ago, her status said she was married.

3:48 — 3:50#107
But 14 days ago, she changed it to "Working On It".

But 14 days ago, she changed it to "Working On It".

3:50 — 3:53#108
Really, may I see that?

Really, may I see that?

3:53 — 3:54#109
Nope, do not put a hyphen in YouFace.

Nope, do not put a hyphen in YouFace.

3:54 — 3:56#110
There are definitely faces here,

There are definitely faces here,

3:56 — 3:57#111
But they are not being treated with respect.

But they are not being treated with respect.

3:57 — 3:59#112
Ew.

Ew.

3:59 — 4:02#113
Kenneth.

Kenneth.

4:02 — 4:06#114
Bag of names.

Bag of names.

4:06 — 4:08#115
"Seeka Sanna".

"Seeka Sanna".

4:08 — 4:10#116
"Seeka Sanna".

"Seeka Sanna".

4:10 — 4:11#117
Kenneth is doing his Secret Santa Fun Swap thing.

Kenneth is doing his Secret Santa Fun Swap thing.

4:11 — 4:13#118
Ugh, He takes the two worst parts of Christmas,

Ugh, He takes the two worst parts of Christmas,

4:13 — 4:16#119
Giving and rules, and combines them.

Giving and rules, and combines them.

4:16 — 4:18#120
And then, the person with the highest number

And then, the person with the highest number

4:18 — 4:20#121
Gives the smallest gift to the tallest person.

Gives the smallest gift to the tallest person.

4:20 — 4:23#122
If they want to switch, they cannot.

If they want to switch, they cannot.

4:23 — 4:25#123
Unless they do.

Unless they do.

4:25 — 4:26#124
Then everyone puts their head down, except the murderer.

Then everyone puts their head down, except the murderer.

4:26 — 4:29#125
Oh, wait, that's not right.

Oh, wait, that's not right.

4:29 — 4:31#126
The whole thing was so confusing,

The whole thing was so confusing,

4:31 — 4:32#127
I ended up getting my own crappy gift back.

I ended up getting my own crappy gift back.

4:32 — 4:34#128
Like I need two copies of "Over 60 Vixens".

Like I need two copies of "Over 60 Vixens".

4:34 — 4:37#129
Mr. Rossitano, would you like to participate

Mr. Rossitano, would you like to participate

4:49 — 4:52#130
In our studio-wide Secret Santa Fun Swap?

In our studio-wide Secret Santa Fun Swap?

4:52 — 4:54#131
I totally would do Secret Santa, but I don't believe in Christmas

I totally would do Secret Santa, but I don't believe in Christmas

4:54 — 4:58#132
Because I'm a Verdukian.

Because I'm a Verdukian.

4:58 — 5:01#133
Yes, we are all very strict Verdukians.

Yes, we are all very strict Verdukians.

5:01 — 5:03#134
Oh, my apologies.

Oh, my apologies.

5:03 — 5:06#135
I've never heard of that religion.

I've never heard of that religion.

5:06 — 5:07#136
What do y'all believe in?

What do y'all believe in?

5:07 — 5:09#137
Oh, many things.

Oh, many things.

5:09 — 5:10#138
Uh, the healing power of root beer.

Uh, the healing power of root beer.

5:10 — 5:13#139
That a man can have up to nine wives if two of them are male.

That a man can have up to nine wives if two of them are male.

5:13 — 5:17#140
And we always leave work to go to the movies on Merlinpeen.

And we always leave work to go to the movies on Merlinpeen.

5:17 — 5:20#141
So good Merlinpeen to you, Kenneth.

So good Merlinpeen to you, Kenneth.

5:20 — 5:22#142
Good Merlinpeen.

Good Merlinpeen.

5:22 — 5:23#143
Good Merlinpeen.

Good Merlinpeen.

5:23 — 5:26#144
Talk to me, what's this?

Talk to me, what's this?

5:28 — 5:29#145
Is this a store Jack likes?

Is this a store Jack likes?

5:29 — 5:30#146
Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

5:30 — 5:32#147
Do you really think you belong

Do you really think you belong

5:32 — 5:33#148
On Mr. Donaghy's personal gift list?

On Mr. Donaghy's personal gift list?

5:33 — 5:35#149
Why not? We're friends.

Why not? We're friends.

5:35 — 5:36#150
He's the best gift giver in the world.

He's the best gift giver in the world.

5:36 — 5:38#151
I tried once.

I tried once.

5:38 — 5:40#152
I bought him a $ 95 bottle of olive oil.

I bought him a $ 95 bottle of olive oil.

5:40 — 5:43#153
In return, he got my sister out of a North Korean jail.

In return, he got my sister out of a North Korean jail.

5:43 — 5:46#154
Oh, brother.

Oh, brother.

5:46 — 5:47#155
You will never match him.

You will never match him.

5:47 — 5:48#156
And I'll be here next year to take you off of that list.

And I'll be here next year to take you off of that list.

5:48 — 5:51#157
Even if I get into law school, I won't go.

Even if I get into law school, I won't go.

5:51 — 5:54#158
All right.

All right.

5:54 — 5:55#159
Jonathan, would you...

Jonathan, would you...

5:55 — 5:56#160
Oh, Lemon.

Oh, Lemon.

5:56 — 5:57#161
Come in here for a minute.

Come in here for a minute.

5:57 — 5:59#162
I want you to meet my old friend, Nancy Donovan.

I want you to meet my old friend, Nancy Donovan.

6:00 — 6:02#163
That's my maiden name.

That's my maiden name.

6:02 — 6:03#164
I keep telling you.

I keep telling you.

6:03 — 6:04#165
Things have changed.

Things have changed.

6:04 — 6:05#166
You know, your hair...

You know, your hair...

6:05 — 6:07#167
It's like a shag carpet.

It's like a shag carpet.

6:07 — 6:08#168
I want to sit on it and play a board game.

I want to sit on it and play a board game.

6:08 — 6:12#169
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

6:12 — 6:13#170
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

6:13 — 6:14#171
Is your family here?

Is your family here?

6:14 — 6:15#172
Uh, just the boys.

Uh, just the boys.

6:15 — 6:16#173
My husband couldn't make it.

My husband couldn't make it.

6:16 — 6:17#174
Husband couldn't make it.

Husband couldn't make it.

6:17 — 6:19#175
Oh, I brought something to show you.

Oh, I brought something to show you.

6:19 — 6:20#176
It's, uh...

It's, uh...

6:20 — 6:21#177
It's goofy.

It's goofy.

6:21 — 6:22#178
I know.

I know.

6:22 — 6:23#179
Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

6:23 — 6:24#180
"Hey, Beantown".

"Hey, Beantown".

6:24 — 6:27#181
"Hey, Beantown" was the school musical Nancy and I were in.

"Hey, Beantown" was the school musical Nancy and I were in.

6:27 — 6:29#182
I thought you had stage fright.

I thought you had stage fright.

6:29 — 6:31#183
♪ Hey, Beantown ♪

♪ Hey, Beantown ♪

6:31 — 6:33#184
♪ The Puritans found you ♪

♪ The Puritans found you ♪

6:33 — 6:34#185
♪ Hey, Beantown ♪

♪ Hey, Beantown ♪

6:34 — 6:36#186
♪ Water surrounds you ♪

♪ Water surrounds you ♪

6:36 — 6:37#187
♪ So let's watch the Sox play ball ♪

♪ So let's watch the Sox play ball ♪

6:37 — 6:39#188
♪ Play ball! ♪

♪ Play ball! ♪

6:39 — 6:40#189
♪ Hey, Beantown, you've got it all ♪

♪ Hey, Beantown, you've got it all ♪

6:40 — 6:43#190
Whoo!

Whoo!

6:43 — 6:44#191
Yeah, I did plays in high school too.

Yeah, I did plays in high school too.

6:44 — 6:46#192
I was John Proctor in "The Crucible".

I was John Proctor in "The Crucible".

6:46 — 6:48#193
Oh, you went to an all girls' school?

Oh, you went to an all girls' school?

6:48 — 6:50#194
No.

No.

6:50 — 6:51#195
Jack played Paul Revere.

Jack played Paul Revere.

6:51 — 6:53#196
And we were all jealous of Lisa Alberson

And we were all jealous of Lisa Alberson

6:53 — 6:55#197
'Cause she got to play his horse.

'Cause she got to play his horse.

6:55 — 6:57#198
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

6:59 — 7:00#199
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

7:00 — 7:02#200
She still owes me $10.

She still owes me $10.

7:02 — 7:03#201
That's true.

That's true.

7:03 — 7:04#202
Yeah, he was always a thief, that guy

Yeah, he was always a thief, that guy

7:04 — 7:06#203
He was a moocher.

He was a moocher.

7:06 — 7:07#204
What's with all the junk, Ken?

What's with all the junk, Ken?

7:13 — 7:15#205
Well, these are my all-inclusive holiday decorations.

Well, these are my all-inclusive holiday decorations.

7:15 — 7:18#206
Here's a little Christmas tree.

Here's a little Christmas tree.

7:18 — 7:20#207
Okay.

Okay.

7:20 — 7:21#208
A menorah.

A menorah.

7:21 — 7:22#209
A picture of President Obama for the Muslims.

A picture of President Obama for the Muslims.

7:22 — 7:24#210
Going to let that one slide.

Going to let that one slide.

7:24 — 7:25#211
And a bowl of meat cubes

And a bowl of meat cubes

7:25 — 7:26#212
With picture of Jimmy Connors sticking out,

With picture of Jimmy Connors sticking out,

7:26 — 7:29#213
In the tradition of Verdukianism.

In the tradition of Verdukianism.

7:29 — 7:31#214
Verdukianism?

Verdukianism?

7:31 — 7:32#215
That doesn't make sense.

That doesn't make sense.

7:32 — 7:34#216
Jimmy is Catholic.

Jimmy is Catholic.

7:34 — 7:35#217
Ah, Good Merlinpeen, gentlemen.

Ah, Good Merlinpeen, gentlemen.

7:35 — 7:38#218
Good Merlinpeen.

Good Merlinpeen.

7:38 — 7:39#219
So you guys are Verdukians?

So you guys are Verdukians?

7:39 — 7:41#220
Yep, that's why we can't do Secret Santa.

Yep, that's why we can't do Secret Santa.

7:41 — 7:44#221
Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

7:44 — 7:45#222
Then sing that Verdukian winter carol.

Then sing that Verdukian winter carol.

7:45 — 7:47#223
The famous one.

The famous one.

7:47 — 7:49#224
♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

7:49 — 7:51#225
♪ Meatball of Verduk ♪

♪ Meatball of Verduk ♪

7:51 — 7:55#226
♪ You bring me such ♪

♪ You bring me such ♪

7:55 — 7:57#227
♪ Pizza... ♪

♪ Pizza... ♪

7:57 — 7:59#228
Now a Christmas song.

Now a Christmas song.

8:02 — 8:04#229
Oh, Mr. Baker!

Oh, Mr. Baker!

8:04 — 8:05#230
Hm?

Hm?

8:05 — 8:07#231
♪ Oh, holy night ♪

♪ Oh, holy night ♪

8:07 — 8:11#232
♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪

♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪

8:11 — 8:14#233
What the what?

What the what?

8:14 — 8:15#234
New dude is as good at singing

New dude is as good at singing

8:15 — 8:17#235
As Tracy Jordan is at everything.

As Tracy Jordan is at everything.

8:17 — 8:19#236
Danny, was that you?

Danny, was that you?

8:19 — 8:20#237
Why didn't you tell me you could sing like that?

Why didn't you tell me you could sing like that?

8:20 — 8:21#238
I didn't think it was important.

I didn't think it was important.

8:21 — 8:22#239
Not important?

Not important?

8:22 — 8:24#240
I had Tracy playing Josh Groban last week.

I had Tracy playing Josh Groban last week.

8:24 — 8:25#241
Come here.

Come here.

8:25 — 8:27#242
Listen up.

Listen up.

8:27 — 8:28#243
Jenna's not singing the Christmas solo on Friday's show.

Jenna's not singing the Christmas solo on Friday's show.

8:28 — 8:29#244
You are.

You are.

8:29 — 8:30#245
What? Why?

What? Why?

8:30 — 8:32#246
For the most wonderful reason of all.

For the most wonderful reason of all.

8:32 — 8:34#247
Christmas vengeance.

Christmas vengeance.

8:34 — 8:36#248
Jenna will finally be punished for all

Jenna will finally be punished for all

8:36 — 8:37#249
The times I had to pay her share of the money

The times I had to pay her share of the money

8:37 — 8:38#250
For the cleaning ladies.

For the cleaning ladies.

8:38 — 8:39#251
No, I don't want to steal Jenna's solo.

No, I don't want to steal Jenna's solo.

8:39 — 8:41#252
That's not what the holidays are about.

That's not what the holidays are about.

8:41 — 8:44#253
Maybe Jenna and I could do a duet instead?

Maybe Jenna and I could do a duet instead?

8:44 — 8:45#254
Yes, a duet.

Yes, a duet.

8:45 — 8:50#255
Share the stage.

Share the stage.

8:50 — 8:51#256
She will love that.

She will love that.

8:51 — 8:53#257
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

8:53 — 8:54#258
Are you being sarcastic?

Are you being sarcastic?

8:54 — 8:56#259
Canadians have a hard time recognizing it

Canadians have a hard time recognizing it

8:56 — 8:57#260
Because we don't have a big Jewish population.

Because we don't have a big Jewish population.

8:57 — 8:59#261
I'm not being sarcastic at all.

I'm not being sarcastic at all.

8:59 — 9:02#262
Okay, great.

Okay, great.

9:02 — 9:04#263
Merry Christmas, Pete Hornberger.

Merry Christmas, Pete Hornberger.

9:06 — 9:08#264
I can't believe you're not married.

I can't believe you're not married.

9:10 — 9:12#265
I thought you'd have some hot-shot, young wife

I thought you'd have some hot-shot, young wife

9:12 — 9:14#266
With black hair who says queer stuff

With black hair who says queer stuff

9:14 — 9:16#267
Like "dressing on the side".

Like "dressing on the side".

9:16 — 9:19#268
Well, I was married.

Well, I was married.

9:19 — 9:20#269
But people grow apart.

But people grow apart.

9:20 — 9:21#270
Was she a bitch, or did you cheat?

Was she a bitch, or did you cheat?

9:21 — 9:22#271
The former.

The former.

9:22 — 9:24#272
The former?

The former?

9:24 — 9:25#273
What are you, a newscaster?

What are you, a newscaster?

9:25 — 9:27#274
Whatever happened to your Boston accent?

Whatever happened to your Boston accent?

9:27 — 9:28#275
You're a liar, Nancy Donovan.

You're a liar, Nancy Donovan.

9:28 — 9:30#276
I never had a Boston accent.

I never had a Boston accent.

9:30 — 9:31#277
What about you, loudmouth?

What about you, loudmouth?

9:31 — 9:33#278
What Southie piece of trash did you trick into marrying you?

What Southie piece of trash did you trick into marrying you?

9:33 — 9:35#279
I'll have you know that my husband happens to be

I'll have you know that my husband happens to be

9:35 — 9:37#280
A very prominent Pakistani anesthesiologist.

A very prominent Pakistani anesthesiologist.

9:37 — 9:42#281
No, I'm kidding you, he's an Irish moron.

No, I'm kidding you, he's an Irish moron.

9:42 — 9:43#282
Runs a roofing company.

Runs a roofing company.

9:43 — 9:44#283
So if you need your roof done, call someone else.

So if you need your roof done, call someone else.

9:44 — 9:46#284
Because my guy's...

Because my guy's...

9:46 — 9:48#285
Not reliable.

Not reliable.

9:48 — 9:50#286
Oh.

Oh.

9:50 — 9:52#287
What do you say I take you and the boys out to dinner?

What do you say I take you and the boys out to dinner?

9:52 — 9:53#288
I know a lot of terrific places.

I know a lot of terrific places.

9:53 — 9:55#289
Uh, I don't know.

Uh, I don't know.

9:55 — 9:56#290
They have their hearts set on the ESPN Zone.

They have their hearts set on the ESPN Zone.

9:56 — 9:58#291
They've been talking about the

They've been talking about the

9:58 — 9:59#292
"Hideki Matsui Caliente Fajitas" all week.

"Hideki Matsui Caliente Fajitas" all week.

9:59 — 10:02#293
Well, let them go to the ESPN Zone,

Well, let them go to the ESPN Zone,

10:02 — 10:04#294
And I'll take you someplace nice.

And I'll take you someplace nice.

10:04 — 10:05#295
Yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure.

10:05 — 10:07#296
Why not?

Why not?

10:07 — 10:08#297
Um... I'm glad we, uh, never made out in high school.

Um... I'm glad we, uh, never made out in high school.

10:08 — 10:12#298
Otherwise, this whole thing would be so awkward.

Otherwise, this whole thing would be so awkward.

10:12 — 10:14#299
Excuse me.

Excuse me.

10:14 — 10:15#300
We kissed every night on stage in "Hey, Beantown".

We kissed every night on stage in "Hey, Beantown".

10:15 — 10:17#301
No, that doesn't count.

No, that doesn't count.

10:17 — 10:18#302
There wasn't even any tongue.

There wasn't even any tongue.

10:18 — 10:20#303
But only because my mother told me

But only because my mother told me

10:20 — 10:21#304
That French kissing was for the Italians.

That French kissing was for the Italians.

10:21 — 10:23#305
They do love it.

They do love it.

10:23 — 10:25#306
How else do you think I got Mr. Sorrentino

How else do you think I got Mr. Sorrentino

10:25 — 10:27#307
To cast me as the Spirit of Liberty?

To cast me as the Spirit of Liberty?

10:27 — 10:31#308
A duet?

A duet?

10:33 — 10:34#309
Really?

Really?

10:34 — 10:35#310
I didn't know you sang.

I didn't know you sang.

10:35 — 10:37#311
It's funny, because it's kind of my thing.

It's funny, because it's kind of my thing.

10:37 — 10:39#312
Next thing I know, you're going to be telling me

Next thing I know, you're going to be telling me

10:39 — 10:41#313
You're really blonde and have a urinary tract infection.

You're really blonde and have a urinary tract infection.

10:41 — 10:44#314
Maybe I should hear you sing.

Maybe I should hear you sing.

10:47 — 10:48#315
That way, I can plan our harmonies.

That way, I can plan our harmonies.

10:48 — 10:50#316
♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

10:50 — 10:52#317
♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

10:52 — 10:57#318
♪ From glen to glen, and down the mountainside ♪

♪ From glen to glen, and down the mountainside ♪

10:57 — 11:04#319
I'm sorry, is your nose bleeding?

I'm sorry, is your nose bleeding?

11:04 — 11:06#320
Yes, because I'm so happy for you.

Yes, because I'm so happy for you.

11:06 — 11:10#321
It's definitely not a rage stroke.

It's definitely not a rage stroke.

11:10 — 11:12#322
Oh, great.

Oh, great.

11:12 — 11:13#323
What's up, Special K?

What's up, Special K?

11:15 — 11:16#324
Having a party?

Having a party?

11:16 — 11:17#325
Not me, sir.

Not me, sir.

11:17 — 11:18#326
Tonight is the Verdukian Holiday of Mouth Pleasures.

Tonight is the Verdukian Holiday of Mouth Pleasures.

11:18 — 11:21#327
Misters Rossitano, Spurlock and Lutz

Misters Rossitano, Spurlock and Lutz

11:21 — 11:23#328
Must have free sausage pizza followed by

Must have free sausage pizza followed by

11:23 — 11:25#329
Some gentle flossing performed by a blond virgin.

Some gentle flossing performed by a blond virgin.

11:25 — 11:29#330
Your generosity is being taken advantage of.

Your generosity is being taken advantage of.

11:29 — 11:31#331
What do you mean?

What do you mean?

11:31 — 11:32#332
Verdukianism.

Verdukianism.

11:32 — 11:34#333
It's fake.

It's fake.

11:34 — 11:35#334
Those dudes made it up

Those dudes made it up

11:35 — 11:36#335
Because they didn't want to do Secret Santa.

Because they didn't want to do Secret Santa.

11:36 — 11:38#336
But they had all these rules and rituals.

But they had all these rules and rituals.

11:38 — 11:41#337
That's what religion is, K-Fed.

That's what religion is, K-Fed.

11:41 — 11:43#338
Just a bunch of made-up rules to manipulate people.

Just a bunch of made-up rules to manipulate people.

11:43 — 11:46#339
Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays?

Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays?

11:46 — 11:49#340
I'll tell you why.

I'll tell you why.

11:49 — 11:50#341
Because the Pope owns Long John Silvers.

Because the Pope owns Long John Silvers.

11:50 — 11:53#342
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

11:53 — 11:54#343
Are you saying that other religions

Are you saying that other religions

11:54 — 11:55#344
Are made up by man too?

Are made up by man too?

11:55 — 11:56#345
Uh-oh, Ken.

Uh-oh, Ken.

11:56 — 11:58#346
We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here.

We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here.

11:58 — 12:01#347
And if you try to grab onto me, we'll both drown.

And if you try to grab onto me, we'll both drown.

12:01 — 12:03#348
What if there is no God?

What if there is no God?

12:03 — 12:05#349
Okay, time to go.

Okay, time to go.

12:05 — 12:08#350
So far, she's just uploaded some pictures.

So far, she's just uploaded some pictures.

12:14 — 12:16#351
"My Christmas Trip to New York with the boys".

"My Christmas Trip to New York with the boys".

12:16 — 12:19#352
Ice skating, sure.

Ice skating, sure.

12:19 — 12:21#353
Nancy cupping Burt Reynolds' crotch at the wax museum.

Nancy cupping Burt Reynolds' crotch at the wax museum.

12:21 — 12:24#354
That finger touching his moustache is me.

That finger touching his moustache is me.

12:24 — 12:26#355
Why did she crop me out of all these pictures?

Why did she crop me out of all these pictures?

12:26 — 12:30#356
No, it's good.

No, it's good.

12:30 — 12:31#357
If Nancy didn't care about you, she'd leave you in.

If Nancy didn't care about you, she'd leave you in.

12:31 — 12:33#358
But she must feel weird about her husband seeing you there.

But she must feel weird about her husband seeing you there.

12:33 — 12:35#359
She feels weird in a good way.

She feels weird in a good way.

12:35 — 12:37#360
Weird in a good way, huh.

Weird in a good way, huh.

12:37 — 12:39#361
Like going to the gym drunk.

Like going to the gym drunk.

12:39 — 12:41#362
She changed her status from "Working On It" to "Weirdsies".

She changed her status from "Working On It" to "Weirdsies".

12:41 — 12:47#363
O. M. F. G.

O. M. F. G.

12:47 — 12:51#364
Is that maroon and navy?

Is that maroon and navy?

12:54 — 12:56#365
Nerds!

Nerds!

12:56 — 12:57#366
Don't tell me, Lemon.

Don't tell me, Lemon.

12:57 — 12:58#367
You spent $500 on a tie I already have.

You spent $500 on a tie I already have.

12:58 — 13:01#368
At a store with a "no returns" policy.

At a store with a "no returns" policy.

13:01 — 13:03#369
Oh, shark farts.

Oh, shark farts.

13:03 — 13:04#370
But this is my lucky tie.

But this is my lucky tie.

13:04 — 13:06#371
And anyone who knows me well would know that.

And anyone who knows me well would know that.

13:06 — 13:09#372
Just like I know you only wear that sweater

Just like I know you only wear that sweater

13:09 — 13:11#373
When you're planning on eating pasta with red sauce.

When you're planning on eating pasta with red sauce.

13:11 — 13:13#374
Nice haircut.

Nice haircut.

13:13 — 13:15#375
Let's level the playing field.

Let's level the playing field.

13:15 — 13:16#376
How about the most we can spend on each other's gifts

How about the most we can spend on each other's gifts

13:16 — 13:19#377
Is zero dollars?

Is zero dollars?

13:19 — 13:21#378
Really?

Really?

13:21 — 13:22#379
You want to exchange creative gifts?

You want to exchange creative gifts?

13:22 — 13:23#380
Oh, well.

Oh, well.

13:23 — 13:24#381
You are the one that's in trouble now, buddy.

You are the one that's in trouble now, buddy.

13:24 — 13:26#382
Because creativity, to me, is just like...

Because creativity, to me, is just like...

13:26 — 13:30#383
Like a bird.

Like a bird.

13:30 — 13:31#384
Like a friendly bird that embraces all...

Like a friendly bird that embraces all...

13:31 — 13:35#385
Ideas.

Ideas.

13:35 — 13:37#386
Just, like, shoots out of its eyes all kinds of beauty.

Just, like, shoots out of its eyes all kinds of beauty.

13:37 — 13:41#387
Wow, Lemon.

Wow, Lemon.

13:41 — 13:42#388
This is like watching Hemingway write.

This is like watching Hemingway write.

13:42 — 13:43#389
Mark Hemingway.

Mark Hemingway.

13:43 — 13:45#390
Yeah, wait.

Yeah, wait.

13:45 — 13:46#391
Why are you wearing your lucky tie?

Why are you wearing your lucky tie?

13:46 — 13:47#392
I'm having dinner tonight with Nancy.

I'm having dinner tonight with Nancy.

13:47 — 13:49#393
Alone.

Alone.

13:49 — 13:50#394
She changed her status to "Weirdsies".

She changed her status to "Weirdsies".

13:50 — 13:52#395
What are your expectations here?

What are your expectations here?

13:52 — 13:54#396
She's married.

She's married.

13:54 — 13:55#397
Uh, I don't know, Lemon.

Uh, I don't know, Lemon.

13:55 — 13:56#398
Nancy's leaving tomorrow.

Nancy's leaving tomorrow.

13:56 — 13:57#399
Can't I just enjoy this while it lasts?

Can't I just enjoy this while it lasts?

13:57 — 13:59#400
That's what I said when that hot dog vendor passed out.

That's what I said when that hot dog vendor passed out.

13:59 — 14:01#401
But you made me go get help.

But you made me go get help.

14:01 — 14:04#402
Hey.

Hey.

14:07 — 14:08#403
Did you hire this guy to hide in my dressing room

Did you hire this guy to hide in my dressing room

14:08 — 14:10#404
And punch me in the throat?

And punch me in the throat?

14:10 — 14:12#405
No.

No.

14:12 — 14:13#406
He's bigger than you said.

He's bigger than you said.

14:13 — 14:15#407
May I still collect my kiss?

May I still collect my kiss?

14:15 — 14:16#408
Vattene!

Vattene!

14:16 — 14:17#409
Why would you do that, Jenna?

Why would you do that, Jenna?

14:17 — 14:21#410
I thought we were buddies.

I thought we were buddies.

14:21 — 14:22#411
You don't fool me with your innocent act.

You don't fool me with your innocent act.

14:22 — 14:26#412
First, you force your way into my solo.

First, you force your way into my solo.

14:26 — 14:27#413
I didn't force anything.

I didn't force anything.

14:27 — 14:29#414
Pete is the one that wanted to take away your solo.

Pete is the one that wanted to take away your solo.

14:29 — 14:30#415
What? Why?

What? Why?

14:30 — 14:32#416
He's mad that you don't chip in

He's mad that you don't chip in

14:32 — 14:33#417
For the cleaning ladies' Christmas gifts.

For the cleaning ladies' Christmas gifts.

14:33 — 14:35#418
Well, I'm doing my own thing.

Well, I'm doing my own thing.

14:35 — 14:37#419
I got them this.

I got them this.

14:37 — 14:39#420
The program from this year's

The program from this year's

14:39 — 14:42#421
Asian Women in Television Awards.

Asian Women in Television Awards.

14:42 — 14:44#422
Julie Chen's energy drink, Chenergize.

Julie Chen's energy drink, Chenergize.

14:44 — 14:49#423
A FlipVideo.

A FlipVideo.

14:49 — 14:50#424
Hang on, I didn't know this was in there.

Hang on, I didn't know this was in there.

14:50 — 14:52#425
Wow, you're really getting the Christmas spirit.

Wow, you're really getting the Christmas spirit.

14:52 — 14:55#426
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

14:55 — 14:56#427
I just got sarcasm.

I just got sarcasm.

14:56 — 14:58#428
Fine, I'm terrible at Christmas

Fine, I'm terrible at Christmas

14:58 — 15:00#429
Because I've never had a nice one.

Because I've never had a nice one.

15:00 — 15:02#430
Sometimes, my mom would take us to see Santa Claus,

Sometimes, my mom would take us to see Santa Claus,

15:02 — 15:04#431
But that's just because she suspected one of them

But that's just because she suspected one of them

15:04 — 15:06#432
Was my deadbeat dad.

Was my deadbeat dad.

15:06 — 15:07#433
So I'd have to get on every Santa's lap

So I'd have to get on every Santa's lap

15:07 — 15:09#434
In the Bakersfield area and scream,

In the Bakersfield area and scream,

15:09 — 15:11#435
"You ought be ashamed of yourself, Travis!"

"You ought be ashamed of yourself, Travis!"

15:11 — 15:13#436
Oh, no.

Oh, no.

15:13 — 15:14#437
That sounds horrible.

That sounds horrible.

15:14 — 15:15#438
And then, I'd sing carols in the middle of Sears

And then, I'd sing carols in the middle of Sears

15:15 — 15:17#439
Just to create a distraction while my mom shoplifted.

Just to create a distraction while my mom shoplifted.

15:17 — 15:20#440
And those few minutes when I was singing carols,

And those few minutes when I was singing carols,

15:20 — 15:23#441
That was the one part of Christmas I liked.

That was the one part of Christmas I liked.

15:23 — 15:25#442
And now, you've taken that away from me.

And now, you've taken that away from me.

15:25 — 15:28#443
Well, that went well.

Well, that went well.

15:33 — 15:35#444
Yes.

Yes.

15:35 — 15:36#445
You're just a Kenny Rogers doll now.

You're just a Kenny Rogers doll now.

15:39 — 15:42#446
Something you want to say?

Something you want to say?

15:45 — 15:46#447
We want to do Secret Santa!

We want to do Secret Santa!

15:46 — 15:49#448
Yay!

Yay!

15:49 — 15:50#449
Secret Santa has been cancelled.

Secret Santa has been cancelled.

15:50 — 15:52#450
Because I have lost my faith.

Because I have lost my faith.

15:52 — 15:54#451
But something's changed in us.

But something's changed in us.

15:54 — 15:55#452
It's a Christmas miracle.

It's a Christmas miracle.

15:55 — 15:57#453
That certainly proves God exists.

That certainly proves God exists.

15:57 — 15:59#454
If God existed, then he would punish you

If God existed, then he would punish you

15:59 — 16:02#455
For what you did to me.

For what you did to me.

16:02 — 16:03#456
And yet, here you are, unpunished.

And yet, here you are, unpunished.

16:03 — 16:06#457
Ergo, our actions have no consequences.

Ergo, our actions have no consequences.

16:06 — 16:10#458
So if you'll excuse me,

So if you'll excuse me,

16:10 — 16:12#459
I'm going to go buy some guitar music.

I'm going to go buy some guitar music.

16:12 — 16:17#460
Hey, what was the name of that abandoned factory

Hey, what was the name of that abandoned factory

16:18 — 16:20#461
Where we used to go shoot B. B. Guns at rats?

Where we used to go shoot B. B. Guns at rats?

16:20 — 16:23#462
Wolford Cap and Gown.

Wolford Cap and Gown.

16:23 — 16:24#463
Of course.

Of course.

16:24 — 16:25#464
Is that still there?

Is that still there?

16:25 — 16:26#465
No, they tore it down and put up a big playground.

No, they tore it down and put up a big playground.

16:26 — 16:28#466
Oh, what a shame.

Oh, what a shame.

16:28 — 16:30#467
Yeah.

Yeah.

16:30 — 16:32#468
So, uh, can I buy you a nightcap?

So, uh, can I buy you a nightcap?

16:32 — 16:35#469
Better not.

Better not.

16:35 — 16:36#470
We've got an early train back to Boston tomorrow.

We've got an early train back to Boston tomorrow.

16:36 — 16:39#471
And you know how hard it is to get teenagers out of bed

And you know how hard it is to get teenagers out of bed

16:39 — 16:41#472
In the morning.

In the morning.

16:41 — 16:42#473
Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

16:42 — 16:43#474
But not in the way you're talking about.

But not in the way you're talking about.

16:43 — 16:45#475
It was great to see you, Jack.

It was great to see you, Jack.

16:47 — 16:48#476
I'II, uh... I'll hit you on YouFace.

I'II, uh... I'll hit you on YouFace.

16:48 — 16:50#477
But you've got to promise to finger tag me back.

But you've got to promise to finger tag me back.

16:50 — 16:53#478
I'd like nothing more.

I'd like nothing more.

16:53 — 16:54#479
What is this?

What is this?

17:11 — 17:12#480
This is your zero dollars present.

This is your zero dollars present.

17:12 — 17:15#481
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, my friend is Jack ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, my friend is Jack ♪

17:15 — 17:18#482
♪ If you like his necktie, pat him on the back ♪

♪ If you like his necktie, pat him on the back ♪

17:18 — 17:21#483
Nope, never mind.

Nope, never mind.

17:21 — 17:22#484
Not your present.

Not your present.

17:22 — 17:23#485
Uh, no, please.

Uh, no, please.

17:23 — 17:24#486
Don't go.

Don't go.

17:24 — 17:26#487
I'm sorry that I wasn't even able to feign interest

I'm sorry that I wasn't even able to feign interest

17:26 — 17:29#488
In whatever that was.

In whatever that was.

17:29 — 17:32#489
Nancy left this morning.

Nancy left this morning.

17:32 — 17:35#490
She'll be on the 12:10 out of Penn Station.

She'll be on the 12:10 out of Penn Station.

17:35 — 17:37#491
Do you ever wonder, Lemon, what your life would be like

Do you ever wonder, Lemon, what your life would be like

17:37 — 17:40#492
If you had never left your hometown?

If you had never left your hometown?

17:40 — 17:43#493
Oh, of course.

Oh, of course.

17:43 — 17:44#494
Have you not read my terrible short story,

Have you not read my terrible short story,

17:44 — 17:45#495
"The Two Paths of Virginia Apple"?

"The Two Paths of Virginia Apple"?

17:45 — 17:48#496
I've spent my whole life trying to erase where I came from.

I've spent my whole life trying to erase where I came from.

17:48 — 17:51#497
But after these moments with Nancy,

But after these moments with Nancy,

17:51 — 17:53#498
For the first time in my life...

For the first time in my life...

17:53 — 17:57#499
I'm homesick.

I'm homesick.

17:57 — 17:58#500
Well, you'll stay in touch, right?

Well, you'll stay in touch, right?

17:58 — 18:00#501
I don't know.

I don't know.

18:00 — 18:01#502
Nancy's going back to her husband.

Nancy's going back to her husband.

18:01 — 18:03#503
Her life.

Her life.

18:03 — 18:04#504
I think this was just a moment in time.

I think this was just a moment in time.

18:04 — 18:06#505
I just wish it had lasted a little bit longer.

I just wish it had lasted a little bit longer.

18:06 — 18:09#506
Okay, well, I'm going to go work on your real gift.

Okay, well, I'm going to go work on your real gift.

18:12 — 18:17#507
You know what would go real nice on that wall over there?

You know what would go real nice on that wall over there?

18:17 — 18:21#508
A drawing of a frog.

A drawing of a frog.

18:21 — 18:23#509
No.

No.

18:23 — 18:24#510
No.

No.

18:24 — 18:25#511
Back in five...

Back in five...

18:27 — 18:28#512
Four, three, two...

Four, three, two...

18:28 — 18:31#513
♪ Frosted windowpanes ♪

♪ Frosted windowpanes ♪

18:36 — 18:39#514
♪ Candles gleaming inside ♪

♪ Candles gleaming inside ♪

18:39 — 18:41#515
♪ Painted candy canes on the tree ♪

♪ Painted candy canes on the tree ♪

18:41 — 18:46#516
♪ Santa's on his way ♪

♪ Santa's on his way ♪

18:46 — 18:48#517
♪ He's filled his sleigh with things ♪

♪ He's filled his sleigh with things ♪

18:48 — 18:52#518
♪ Things for you and me ♪

♪ Things for you and me ♪

18:52 — 18:54#519
♪ It's that time of year ♪

♪ It's that time of year ♪

18:54 — 18:57#520
♪ When the world falls in love ♪

♪ When the world falls in love ♪

18:57 — 18:59#521
♪ Every song you hear seems to say ♪

♪ Every song you hear seems to say ♪

18:59 — 19:03#522
♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

19:03 — 19:05#523
♪ May your New Years dreams come true ♪

♪ May your New Years dreams come true ♪

19:05 — 19:11#524
Hey, Jack.

Hey, Jack.

19:17 — 19:19#525
My train got cancelled.

My train got cancelled.

19:19 — 19:20#526
We spent all day at Penn Station trying to get out.

We spent all day at Penn Station trying to get out.

19:20 — 19:22#527
I figured I should finally take the hint

I figured I should finally take the hint

19:22 — 19:25#528
And meet you for that drink.

And meet you for that drink.

19:25 — 19:26#529
Well, I'm glad you came back.

Well, I'm glad you came back.

19:26 — 19:29#530
And I figured I owed you a kiss goodbye.

And I figured I owed you a kiss goodbye.

19:29 — 19:34#531
I mean, uh, what's the big deal?

I mean, uh, what's the big deal?

19:34 — 19:35#532
We did it every night in "Hey, Beantown".

We did it every night in "Hey, Beantown".

19:35 — 19:39#533
We'll just do it high school style.

We'll just do it high school style.

19:39 — 19:41#534
No tongue.

No tongue.

19:41 — 19:42#535
♪ And this song of mine ♪

♪ And this song of mine ♪

19:53 — 19:55#536
♪ In three quarter time ♪

♪ In three quarter time ♪

19:55 — 19:57#537
♪ Wishes you and yours ♪

♪ Wishes you and yours ♪

19:57 — 20:00#538
♪ The same thing too ♪

♪ The same thing too ♪

20:00 — 20:03#539
Merry Christmas, Lemon.

Merry Christmas, Lemon.

20:03 — 20:04#540
The gender-blind Crucible!

The gender-blind Crucible!

20:11 — 20:14#541
Framed in wood from the stage of your high school theater.

Framed in wood from the stage of your high school theater.

20:14 — 20:17#542
Jonathan had to drive all over Pennsylvania,

Jonathan had to drive all over Pennsylvania,

20:17 — 20:18#543
And I did not reimburse him for gas.

And I did not reimburse him for gas.

20:18 — 20:21#544
Zero dollars.

Zero dollars.

20:21 — 20:22#545
Thank you, Jack, that's amazing.

Thank you, Jack, that's amazing.

20:22 — 20:24#546
And don't worry about my present.

And don't worry about my present.

20:24 — 20:26#547
I already got the greatest Christmas gift

I already got the greatest Christmas gift

20:26 — 20:27#548
You could imagine.

You could imagine.

20:27 — 20:28#549
Nancy came back to say goodbye.

Nancy came back to say goodbye.

20:28 — 20:30#550
Her train was cancelled.

Her train was cancelled.

20:30 — 20:32#551
Because somebody called in a bomb threat to Penn Station?

Because somebody called in a bomb threat to Penn Station?

20:32 — 20:35#552
You're welcome.

You're welcome.

20:35 — 20:36#553
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

20:36 — 20:39#554
Hi, which of you are Frank Rossitano and James Spurlock?

Hi, which of you are Frank Rossitano and James Spurlock?

20:42 — 20:45#555
That's us.

That's us.

20:45 — 20:46#556
You're under arrest.

You're under arrest.

20:46 — 20:47#557
What did we do?

What did we do?

20:47 — 20:48#558
Someone called in a bomb threat

Someone called in a bomb threat

20:48 — 20:50#559
From your phone this morning.

From your phone this morning.

20:50 — 20:51#560
I renounce Verdukianism!

I renounce Verdukianism!

20:51 — 20:53#561
What, what does that mean?

What, what does that mean?

20:53 — 20:54#562
Are you Al Qaeda?

Are you Al Qaeda?

20:54 — 20:55#563
Come here, pal.

Come here, pal.

20:55 — 20:57#564
My angry God is punishing them.

My angry God is punishing them.

21:03 — 21:06#565
It's a Christmas miracle.

It's a Christmas miracle.

21:06 — 21:08#566
♪ And this song of mine ♪

♪ And this song of mine ♪

21:08 — 21:10#567
♪ In three quarter time ♪

♪ In three quarter time ♪

21:10 — 21:12#568
♪ Wishes you and yours ♪

♪ Wishes you and yours ♪

21:12 — 21:15#569
♪ The same thing too ♪

♪ The same thing too ♪

21:15 — 21:19#570
♪ Merry Christmas to you ♪

♪ Merry Christmas to you ♪

21:19 — 21:24#571
Are you Larry Wilcox?

Are you Larry Wilcox?

21:33 — 21:35#572
Yes, ma'am, this evening, you have permission

Yes, ma'am, this evening, you have permission

21:35 — 21:36#573
To call me Officer Jon Baker.

To call me Officer Jon Baker.

21:36 — 21:38#574
Oh, but, uh, no sex stuff and no touching my gun.

Oh, but, uh, no sex stuff and no touching my gun.

21:38 — 21:42#575
Of course, yeah.

Of course, yeah.

21:42 — 21:43#576
Merry Christmas, Lemon.

Merry Christmas, Lemon.

21:43 — 21:48#577
Okay.

Okay.

21:48 — 21:51#578
Wait, how is this zero dollars?

Wait, how is this zero dollars?

21:51 — 21:53#579
Well, he promised to get me on Dancing With the Stars.

Well, he promised to get me on Dancing With the Stars.

21:53 — 21:56#580
But that's on A. B. C.

But that's on A. B. C.

21:56 — 22:00#581
Donaghy!

Donaghy!

22:00 — 22:01#582