St. Valentine's Day

Oh, good morning, dr. Baird.

Good morning, regular person lemon.

Oh, hey, are you around this weekend?

Uh, maybe we could have that date we talked--

Yes. Okay.

Uh, how 'bout... Friday?

Oh, no, friday I have a stupid... Show.

How 'bout saturday?

Saturday, uh... Okay.

I guess that doesn't have to be weird.

Okay then.

Okay.

Valentine's day it is.

[Gasps]

[Whispering] saturday is valentine's day?

Norts!

[Jack] you sound so sexy when you say that.

Say it again.

[Passionately] your mother's gone back to florrrrrrrida.

Mmm...

These mcflurries are amazing. I know.

The soft swirl of vanilla,

And the hard crunch of candy and cookies.

You'd think they fight each other,

But no, together they are perfecto.

Some would say that describes us.

Who would say such a crazy thing?

We are us.

Let a mcflurry be what it is--

The world's greatest dessert.

Actually, the world's greatest dessert

Is served in a restaurant right here in new york

Called plunder.

It costs $1,000.

Lucky for you, your boyfriend got reservations

For valentine's day.

But I have to go to church.

On valentine's day? Is that a thing?

It is the feast of the martyrdom of st. Valentine.

Please, jack, don't tell me you're one of those

Convenient catholics

That only goes to church every sunday.

[Playful scoff] oh... No.

Ah.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

Oh, kenneth, hey, you know how the company makes an effort

To hire the disabled?

Do I!

I wouldn't have this job

If it weren't for the mouth on my back.

Yeah, I'm supposed to supervise some blind chick

They hired to edit the reruns.

But three of the dancers just found out

They're all dating the same guy,

So I'm gonna go watch that.

So if you see a blind chick, I don't know.

Um, give her one of your boring tours.

Yes, sir.

[High-pitched voice] yes, sir.

I was just funnin'. It's all sewed up.

I'll help you, miss.

Oh, thank you so much.

All my friends warned me about the big city,

But look, right away I meet a gentleman.

Is everything okay?

Because now I smell burnt plastic.

[Woman] HELLO?

Are you there?

Hello?

I can't make this guy go on a first date

On valentine's.

Why are you so nervous about this?

Because it's a delicate situation, jack.

There is handsomeness involved.

How much?

Oh, come on, lemon.

What is this, a green card thing? No.

Closet case? I don't think so.

Slump buster? No, not a ballplayer.

Bundy-esque serial killer?

That was my first thought, but no.

This is actually happening, and I'm blowing it.

Who pushes for a first date on valentine's day?

Lemon, here's how you correct this misstep.

Instead of going to a restaurant,

Where it'll be nothing but people in love

And rings hidden in pastries... Oof.

Cook him a nice meal at home.

Nice... You mean, like, stew?

I certainly do not mean stew.

I mean, try to forget it's valentine's day.

I'm going to. I'll be in church.

What? Why?

Elisa is deeply religious.

If I had those knockers, I'd be thanking god too.

All I want for valentine's day is to go to plunder

And eat the lovers' delight.

That sounds filthy, jack.

It is.

Imagine a dessert for two--

Tahitian vanilla bean ice cream in a pool of cognac,

Drizzled in the world's most expensive chocolate,

Amadei porcelana,

Covered with shaved white, black, and clear truffles,

And topped with edible 25-karat gold leaf.

Can you imagine anything better?

I don't know, you ever put a doughnut in the microwave?

Come on, church won't be so bad.

Aren't you catholic?

I was catholic.

But I haven't set foot inside a church

Since I was 13 years old.

So listen, so you go sit through a night of church,

And then you go to plunder.

Elisa's worth it.

You're right. Elisa is worth it.

And I can fake enthusiasm when I need to.

Hey, that scarf is fun!

Thanks. I found it at dunkin--

Wait a minute.

[Ringing]

Nbc. Blah blah blah. Thank you.

Ken, you need to snap out of it

And ask out that sexy miss magoo.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I know love at first sight when I see it.

I saw it when I met angie,

I saw it the first time dotcom laid eyes

On grizz's fiancee.

Okay, there is something about jennifer

That just makes me all car sick inside.

Now is the time for gallantry.

AAH! [Thud]

Oh... Oh...

It's you again.

I can tell.

Well, cotton and fiddles! I enjoy your smile.

Oh, my. I'm jennifer rogers.

You may call me kenneth the page.

Because that is who I am.

Would you like to go out with me tomorrow night,

Yes-indeedy corncobs?

Well, I'm gonna say yes.

Because this just feels right,

And my instincts have never let me down.

Except for looking at that eclipse.

It's a valentine's datelie-doo!

That was really good stew.

Thank you. It's my own recipe,

Where I use cheddar cheese instead of water.

You know, I'm glad we stayed in tonight.

It's good to take things slow.

Well, please know that when I invited you over,

I didn't realize it was valentine's day.

Yeah, you still have that rotting jack-o'-lantern

In the hallway,

So I feel like you don't have a great sense

Of what month it is.

Well, it's just gotten so small

That I kinda want to see if it disappears.

So, uh, first date stuff.

Where are you from?

Well, um, there's a really interesting answer

To that question, actually.

I was born on the border of maryland and pennsylvania.

Okay, I feel like I should do the right thing here

And tell you that your breast is falling out of your blouse,

And I can see all of it.

Okay, well, I guess we just jumped ahead to date four.

[Quietly] it's not the good one, either.

[Priest chanting in Latin]

[Jonathan over cell speaker] jack donaghy's office.

[Whispering] jonathan!

[Congregation saying "The Lord's Prayer" aloud]

Our jonathan, who art in the office,

Hallowed be my reservation.

If you are able, hold my table,

At plunder,

As we will not be there by 7:00.

Have them delay our heavenly dessert,

And forgive us our lateness,

As we forgive those who cause lateness against us...

[Speaking Spanish]

Well, thank you for explaining that.

I always wanted to know how a universal remote works.

Well, that's how it does.

Would you excuse me just one second?

I'll be right back.

[Stereo volume increases]

Oh, cheese stew! What was I thinking?!

[Beeping]

I think your brownies are burning.

You want me to take 'em out?

[Liz] yes, please.

But whatever you do,

Don't open that kitchen window...

No!

Oh, too soon!

[Liz] the draft made the door fly open!

I know. It's not a big deal.

So we skipped from date four to date...20.

No, date never. I would never let that happen.

Liz, it's okay, I'm a doctor. I've seen much worse.

Really? I'm just kidding. That was pretty bad.

OH! [Cell ring tone]

Hold on. Sorry. I have to get this.

Hello, mandy.

Yeah, no, I'm downstairs in 3-b. Why?

No, mandy, you can't just drop her off without calling.

Mandy? Is that like a guy friend?

Like mandy patinkin?

No, I can't.

Because I am on a date right now.

No, mandy, don't hang up.

Sorry.

That was my ex-wife.

My daughter bethany is on her way up.

You have a daughter?

You will see her. You will say she's cute.

But let me just say that she is... Complicated.

My mother usually watches her when I can't,

But my mother has been in the hospital recently,

And she's not doing very well.

And that has been... Hard for me to handle.

I'm sorry that all this keeps falling apart.

I was really looking forward to tonight.

Well, we can try again some other time.

Or... I'm listening.

Maybe tonight is a gift.

Maybe we embrace the toilet thing,

And the bra incident, and my ex-wife,

And my daughter,

And we just get it all out in one night.

And if by the end of it we still like each other,

Then maybe it's the real thing.

[Knock on door]

That would be bethany.

Well, this is it.

The express train is leaving the station.

I'm on the train.

[Pounding on door] OKAY.

Mom's keying your car.

Bethany, this is liz.

Hi, it's so nice to mee--

Why does it smell in here?

Cheese stew. I got sick.

[Whispers] cheese stew.

Okay, be nice.

I will be right back

After I go talk to your mother.

And... Give me your purse.

Why don't you ever trust me?

Because, honey, you keep setting fire to things.

And now a prayer

For the pregnant members of our congregation.

Anita alvarez... Anna alvarez...

Anabel alvarez...

Honey, this is a catholic church.

We'll be here until morning.

All right, you've been good.

Let's go.

We just have to go to confession before we leave.

[Priest] benita alveroz.

[Sighs]

Okay, here's how this is gonna go.

We're gonna sit here in silence

For about three minutes,

Then I'm going to take my girlfriend to plunder,

Where the pope himself could not get a table.

You sound troubled, my son. Can it, father.

That was a nice try, though.

[Jennifer] that limo ride was weird.

It felt like we just circled the block 50 times.

That's how you get to manhattan's fanciest restaurant.

Ah, monsieur parcell. Votre table est pret.

I didn't know it was a french restaurant.

Yes, I found it on my favorite web site--

Stopshowingoff. Com.

It's busy tonight.

It's the best darn-tootenest restaurant

In all of new york.

This is the best night ever. Thank you, kenneth.

You're one in a million.

Man, can you believe we're working on valentine's night?

My fiancee's gonna be upset.

Not to worry.

I sent her flowers and a beautiful card.

You're the best.

[Priest] don't you have faith?

I have faith in things I can see,

And buy, and deregulate.

Capitalism is my religion.

Now, you want to have an intellectual argument?

Fine. But I should warn you, I went to princeton.

I went to harvard divinity school.

[Chuckles] you crimson guys never miss a chance, do you?

You want a confession?

Let's get this done so I can go eat.

I am divorced.

I take the lord's name in vain often and with great relish.

I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident.

I almost let him choke to death

Right there on the football field.

I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company

Turned a bunch of children orange.

I once claimed, "I am god" during a deposition.

And I may have sodomized our former vice president

While under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics.

Ah... It feels good to say that out loud, actually.

That one was weighing on me.

Wow, I, uh...

I don't know what to say.

I don't want you to say anything.

I already made that clear.

Then what... Brought you here tonight?

What brought me here?

What brings anyone anywhere?

Why do men build bridges? Why are there jets?

I was hoping to have sex tonight.

Have you ever made love to a woman, father?

Come on, man.

Imagine cradling your face into the curve

Of a velvety-soft neck.

Your hands cupping the warm heft

Of the greatest pair of...

I need backup!

Harvard did not prepare me for this.

Father?

[Concerned whispers]

I like your bracelets.

Girls at my school get them

For doing different things on the bus.

Blue is for showing your boobs.

Purple's for doing stuff over your clothes.

Black is for doing stuff-- okay, uh...

Your mom left.

How are you two getting along?

She had some more stew while you were outside.

Whoa. Wow, liz, did you kill the whole bottle?

What?

[Ring tone plays]

Sorry... Uh... Hello.

Yes, gloria.

Why are you crying?

Gloria? How many ex-wives does he have?

That's my aunt. She's notgonna like you.

No, of course.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Yeah. Good-bye.

Mom has taken a turn.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Look, I know we said that we would take this

In fast motion tonight, but...

No, no, I know.

I really am glad we did,

Because I don't think I could handle this by myself.

Oh... Okay.

What? Liz knew.

[Music plays] ENTERTAINMENT?

Not just any entertainment.

The best singer in the world--

Michael mcdonald.

Aah!

[Imitating McDonald] ♪ She came from somewhere

♪ Back in her long ago

♪ Sentimental fool though she's trying hard ♪

♪ To recreate...

[Whispering] wow, he does not sound good live.

♪ Once in her life

[Speaking Spanish rapidly] I can't believe you did this to me

You damn crazy gringo!

In front of the whole church!

I'm sorry elisa.

I'm so mad at you that I'm yelling

At you in spanish.

Like ricky ricardo!

Okay, in english. In english.

You tortured that poor priest.

Let me ask you something.

Do you even believe in the teachings

Of the catholic church?

NO. [Gasps]

But I saw your photo with the pope.

That's just good business.

I have photos with a lot of people.

The dalai lama, rabbi yosef,

Toby keith. I see.

You have no faith, only business.

You know what your problem is, jack?

You intellectualize everything with your big head.

Well, you have big boobs!

Which you'll never touch again!

This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.

Maybe this is god trying to tell me

That we do not belong together.

MAYBE THIS IS A SIGN. [Cell phone tone]

Look, my driver just pulled up. That's a sign.

God wants us to leave here, get a good meal,

And go to town on each other.

[Gasps] OOH!

How dare you say something like that

So close to the statue of santa lucia,

The patron saint of judgmental statues?!

Go to your stupid restaurant.

Eat your gold ice cream. Please come with me.

No. You blew it, jack.

And now you will never see the crazy underwears I have on!

Elisa!

What kind of god would let that happen?

Oh, drew, finally.

Who's this?

This is liz. This is our first date.

On valentine's day?

Funny story.

He saw me on the toilet--liz?

Dr. Baird, your mother's asked to speak to you... Privately.

I'm sorry.

Is this, like, a sixth sense thing?

Should I bring a place setting for your friend?

Mom... Who is that?

That's my friend liz.

Hi, mrs. Baird.

It's too soon, andrew.

I know. We tried to take it slow...

Life! I have more I want to do.

Oh, right, you. Of course.

I'm gonna grab her chart. I'll be right back.

Um...

Mandy, you look terrible.

Oh, no, I'm not mandy. I'm liz.

Mandy, you have to tell drew something for me.

The woman he thinks is his sister

Is really his mother.

What? I'm his grandmother.

You have to tell him, or I won't get into heaven.

[Heart monitor flatlining]

Thank you for a truly unbelievable evening.

It doesn't have to end here, y'allsies.

Wait. This isn't right.

Kenneth, why do you suddenly sound white?

I lied to you, jennifer.

I was too scared to talk to you,

So my sophisticated friend tracy

Said the things that I couldn't.

I'm very, very sorry.

Well, if you could've talked to me,

What would you have said?

That you're the sweetest, prettiest,

Blindest girl I've ever met.

And when I'm with you, my heart jumps

Like a frog on july asphalt, right before it dies.

You're so beautiful on the inside, kenneth parcell.

Can I feel your face?

Yeah.

[Giggles]

Aw...

Oh, look at the time.

I forgot, I have a-- a thing.

That is cold, blind lady!

Oh, and by the way,

You're not so attractive yourself!

No, I'm-- I'm pretty sure I'm hot.

Yes, you are.

I tried.

[Speaking Spanish] it's a sign.

I'm so sorry.

Listen, thank you so much

For being so great during all this.

Let's do this again sometime.

Except have it not be anything like this at all.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Good night. Good night.

Uh, liz, you know my mom did just die.

Funny story... Hear me out.

I'll have a, uh...

A mcflurry, please. A mcflurry, please.

And I have a coupon. You know where I found it?

In the collection plate. It was a sign.

I followed it, and it brought us back together.

Now do you believe? I believe.

I believe that we were reunited

By the most successful capitalist enterprise

Of the last hundred years,

Despite the mclean deluxe, or the mcemu.

Whatever.

Someone's trying to tell us that we belong together.

Maybe it's god. Maybe it's ray kroc.

Maybe it's the hamburglar.

Happy valentine's day, querida.

Happy saint valentine's day, mi amor.

[Jazzy music]

♪

Boy, I hope that guy's not planning

To kill her and eat her.

Jack, you're such a romantic.