Sandwich Day

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

[Jack] "in order that capitalism

"Could come to dominate other ways of life,

"It had to originate somewhere

As a modus vivendi common to whole groups of man."

Nothing?

Hello?

Hillary clinton is president, sir!

I-I thought I would just

Try to scare you out of it.

I-I need you to wake up.

Sir, your son-in-law has taken over the company.

He's installed your daughter as the ceo.

Don't get me wrong. She's a wonderful girl.

I've been stripped of all my responsibilities,

Ostracized.

This morning I had to cut my own cantaloupe.

They're moving me from the 52nd floor

Down to my new office...

On 12.

12!

You've got to wake up-- please!

[Sobbing]

[Man] marcus shenkenberg was there.

[Woman] who?

Okay, the craziest thing happened this morning.

I was home on my treadmill, and the phone rings,

And you will not believe who it was.

Liz? It's, uh, floyd.

[Jenna] floyd called?

You were using your treadmill?

Yes. And, yes, pete. I use it every day.

Whoo!

What did floyd want? He's in town.

He was only supposed to be here for a day,

But there's some big storm coming,

And his flight on jetfun got cancelled.

Jetfun--is that the one with the footbaths?

Oh, no, that's airbike.

They also have in-flight pornos and nbc news.

Jetfun's the one that hands out fresh popcorn.

Listen to me!

Floyd wants to know if he can crash at my apartment--

So? What's the big deal?

I haven't seen floyd since he left for cleveland.

The last time I tried to get in touch with him,

Some rust-belt tramp answered the phone.

And now he's here, and I don't know what crash means.

I just don't wanna embarrass myself.

I wanna be top dog for once

Instead of just... Dog.

Then you need to make him regret ever leaving.

You need to pretend you're doing great.

I am doing great. Aw...

For once, I am not gonna be jan brady.

I'm gonna be marcia, damn it.

MY NOSE! [Man] my bad!

See? It's starting already!

Look out, floyd.

THERE IS A NEW LIZ, AND--[sniffing]

Ooh! Sandwich day.

[Frank] what's that?

You've never heard of sandwich day?

Why, it's the most wonderful day of all.

Once a year,

The teamsters go to this italian sandwich shop in brooklyn.

No one knows what it's called or where it is.

It's a teamster secret.

[Reverently] but they buy us these sandwiches...

Oh, such sandwiches!

And the dipping sauce-- oh, joy!

God bless us, every one!

Mwah! Yeah!

Well, I wish you the very best with the office, kathy.

By the way, you know who hates unicorns?

Mark wahlberg.

[Telephone rings]

Kathy geiss's office.

[Jonathan] please hold.

Mr. Donaghy, you're not really going down to 12,

Are you?

I have to.

Of course it's humiliating.

Banks is trying to shame me into leaving.

But where else am I gonna go?

I've been sleeping with the cindy crawford of corporations

For the last 22 years-- what am I supposed to do,

Just lie down with some skank like 3m?

What about washington?

I'm sure your friends in the bush administration--

[Laughs] bush? Has it gotten that bad?

Good god, I'd rather work for an american car company

Than jump on that sinking ship.

I made you this.

No. No, no, you didn't.

Well...

♪ I will remember you

♪ Will you remember me ♪

♪ Dooby-do, dooby-do

♪ Don't let your life pass you by ♪

[Elevator bell dings]

Oh--hold it!

[Ding]

Hey, jack.

I got a company-wide email from the new ceo

That was just a link to cats wearing bowties?

Is everything okay?

Everything's great.

Yeah, I'm really... Crushing it.

[Chuckles]

Why you going to 12?

12? Did I hit 12? I wanted, uh...

40...12,

Which is 52.

WHERE I WORK. [Pushes button]

Business.

[Ding]

[Frank] I can't believe sandwich day is over!

Hey, look.

Lutz is still eating.

[Frank] you're savoring it?

What, you think you're better than us?

No, that's not it at all.

Since my surgery, I have to eat slowly

Or my insides might explode.

Gimme it!

[Lutz groaning] it's like knives!

Look, liz lemon's sandwich

Is still on her desk!

Oh. Taking liz's food is not good.

[Screaming] where's my mac and cheese?

But as far as liz lemon knows,

Her sandwich never came.

U-uh, liz?

Floyd, I didn't see you there.

Wow. You look great.

Do I?

I'm pretty tired from playing as hard as I work.

[Pete] okay, now, bring up 23...

And give me some air.

My key.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for doing this.

Uh, hey... Can I take you out to dinner tonight?

You know, maybe we hit that barbecue place you puked at.

You'll have to be more specific.

[Chuckles] [dramatic laugh]

Well, I'll see you back at... Your place.

[Exhales] oh! Somebody get me out of this dress!

I can't breathe!

[Liz] you guys are working hard, for once.

[Screaming] where's my sandwich?

Lutz made us do it!

No, it was frank! It was jordan!

[Kenneth] stop it!

This is all my fault, miss lemon,

Because I let it happen.

And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil

Is for good men to do nothing.

[Tracy] please ask my permission

Before you quote me, kenneth.

I don't know how...

But you're gonna get me another sandwich,

Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad,

You'll have a chin.

You'll all have chins!

[Shuddering]

[Elevator bell dings]

[Mechanical female voice] floor 12.

[Ding][mechanical female voice] door closing.

[Tapping button]

It's me again, sir.

I thought you'd like to know that it's snowing out,

The city all silent and white.

Wake up!

Wake up!

[Liz and Floyd chuckling]

[Liz] wow, snow in may.

Thank you, global warming,

For extreme, unpredictable weather patterns.

There was actually a tornado in cleveland last week.

Destroyed an entire city block.

Three bowling alleys, a liquor store,

And the liquor store museum. Oh!

So do you have time to grab dessert?

Yikes! Did you know it is 4:30?

I haven't stayed up this late since college.

And behind this trap door, more orcs.

That'll really piss off samir.

My flight's in two hours.

I'm sorry, I gotta go.

You know, sometimes I really regret leaving new york.

Like... Right now, for instance.

Well, what does new york have that cleveland doesn't have?

I read that you guys are getting an ikea.

Yeah. I'll believe it when I see it.

Well, we've just been burned before.

It was really great seeing you, liz.

I'll see you.

[Liz] now, turn and look back at me.

Atta boy. Eat it up, cleveland.

Oh, god. Youths!

I'm losing it, don.

I mean, I been walking the streets in this crazy snow,

Trying to figure out who I am, where I fit in.

I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue,

But evidently, that's some sort of signal in chelsea.

Just give me a sign.

I've given everything to this company,

But now I feel that maybe I should...

Quit.

[Ghostly voice] you have to leave.

What?

Visiting hours

Were over some time ago.

What happened to your voice?

I was hit by lightning as a child.

They made a movie about me.

You have to leave ge.

What did you say?

Geriatric extended care.

That's what...

This wing of the hospital

Is called.

I have to leave ge.

[Alarm chirps]

[Radio announcer] after last night's freak snowfall,

It's 90 and humid.

In other global warming news, a tornado hit downtown detroit,

Putting out several fires.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

How did it go with floyd?

The poor guy got lemoned. Hard.

Started babbling about

How he wished he'd never left new york.

Did you do that thing I showed you?

No, jenna, I did not come back from the bathroom

And hand him my underwear.

That's how I met that mobster.

Next time floyd brings

Some corn pone tranny back to his apartment,

All he's gonna be thinking about is me,

Standing there in the snow,

Looking like the one who got away.

Crone!

[Hisses]

We'll get liz lemon her sandwich.

I'm an international superstar.

The teamsters will be honored

That I'm even talking to them.

♪ That old soft shoe

♪ Is comin' around the bend ♪

That's enough. That's enough.

NOW, YOU TWO--KISS. [Laughter]

You with the sport coat, you're the girl. What are you doing?

All we want is one more sandwich.

Or just the name of the place.

Now, why would we want

Our secret place to become public knowledge

And get overrun by a bunch of sissies?

I know what driving the long haul's like.

After my junior year at oberlin,

We road-tripped to south by southwest!

You lads got a lotta nerve.

You gotta earn that information, girls.

On our terms.

In competition.

Bible trivia?

Drinking contest. Here.

Tonight.

[Both chuckling]

Uh, a band-aid just fell out of your hair.

Well...

This is fun. You're back!

What happened?

Good morning.

I'm checking in for flight 1876 to cleveland.

Oh, no, no. We're cancelled.

Cancelled? You gotta be kidding me!

Oh, I would have checked my flight, but--

Oh, no, no. The airline is cancelled.

We're not an airline anymore.

Wait, wait, wait. One storm?

That's all it takes?

We're still gonna make popcorn.

Just no more airplanes. I'm sorry.

Hey, karen. I hate your guts.

I'm sorry to barge in on you like this.

You know, my cell was dead

'Cause I didn't bring my charger.

[Both laughing]

[Laughing dies, begins again]

Who was that bitch that answered your phone eight months ago?

Whoa!

So this girl, what's her lower back tattoo?

A chinese character that she thinks means peace,

But it really means "I have chlamydia"?

Oh, my god, liz, I'm so glad you're bringing this up.

Really? You are?

Yeah, I-I feel bad how we never got to talk about it,

And I didn't bring it up last night

Because we were having so much fun,

And I didn't want to ruin it.

Okay, well-- okay.

I-I've been thinking about this a lot,

And it's just-- oh, shoot.

Hold on. I'm sorry.

I got a flight.

Oh. In 40 minutes.

No, no, no, no.

This is more important than me getting home

Or my partner meeting with peter venkman.

No, don't do that. Just go.

But you call me.

I will. I-I will.

O-or you could ride to the airport with me.

No, it's okay.

You go, and we'll talk.

Okay.

Wow. And I thought you were cool last night.

I do rock.

A drinking contest?

What am I, 12 and at my boyfriend's frat party?

We need you, jenna!

Lutz can't drink because of his operation,

Kenneth doesn't drink.

Drinking's against my beliefs.

Like gambling or freeway driving.

And I can't drink--I still got my hollywood sock on.

And I can't have booze because I'm on antibiotics

After having some skanky club sex.

He's on antibiotics because he lost his lucky penny

And assumed it fell in his ear again.

Shut up, lutz.

Your surgery was for an undescended testicle.

Wrong again! It was for two undescended testicles!

Okay, wait, so no one else is drinking against the teamsters?

It's only me?

I'll do it.

But only for the attention.

Yes!

Is lemon around? I haven't seen her, sir.

Tell her I need her.

I'll be on 12 the rest of the day.

That's a joke.

[Laughing]

Hey, can you make the teamsters

Tell us where they get those sandwiches?

Only if you beat them in a drinking contest.

It's in their contract.

♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover ♪

♪ I'm a child, I'm a-- ♪

Mother!

Floyd?

Oh, boy.

Oh, no!

Why aren't you at the airport, floyd?

There was no flight, was there?

Not at the time, no.

But I do have one tonight, so...

You lied to me.

I just didn't want to talk about that stuff.

Can't we just fast-forward to being friends again?

You know-- [making fast-forward noises]

Ow!

Your cell phone was dead! You faked that email!

[Gasps] peter venkman! That's from ghost busters!

You used ghost busters for evil!

I'm glad we didn't talk about that girl,

Because you're a liar!

Okay. Okay, fine, you want some honesty?

I don't know what girl you're talking about, liz.

I'm single. I'm a lawyer.

I wear nice coats.

I'm the michael clayton of cleveland.

Well, I hope your car blows up!

Look, you made a choice!

I asked you to come to cleveland with me,

You nut job!

I'll move to cleveland when you get that ikea--

Never!

Oh, you--

Don't you deprive

The good people of cleveland an ikea!

You are vindictive, liz lemon!

Smooth.

Oh, come on, you guys.

You guys do one.

I've had ten shots.

You've only had five shots.

No, today. I've had ten shots today.

You fought a hell of a good fight, blondie.

But you can't win.

We failed.

[Laughter]

Hey! I found my lucky penny.

It's not in my ear.

[Tracy] yo, hey...

Battery's dead.

I got a half hour before they track me down.

Alcohol? This smells just like hill people milk.

I been drinking this since I was a baby!

Mm!

It's on, y'all.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, boy.

How'd they do that?

[All] ♪ I'll be here

♪ In sunshine

♪ Or in shadow

♪ Oh, danny boy... ♪

So should I ask

Why you're showing up for work at 6:30?

I'm not gonna lie to you, jack.

I was... Working from home.

Lemon, we should talk.

Fine. Floyd was in town, and it was awful.

And it started out great, and then it was awful,

And now it's over.

What happened?

He lied about going to the airport.

And?

And I said I hope he dies in a car explosion.

Lemon, life is about minimizing regrets.

You never know when someone's going to slip into a coma

And leave you regretting all the things you didn't say

Or get in writing from the company's lawyers.

What I'm trying to say is

You're... Young,

And you still haven't blown it completely.

So don't... Start now.

[Sighs] oh...

I hate going to the airport.

Floyd. Floyd!

Oh. Sorry.

I need the cheapest ticket you have going anywhere.

[Typing slowly]

[Groans] uhh!

What's that in your bag?

Uh, a sandwich and dipping sauce.

Uh-uh. That's more than 3 ounces.

You can't bring that past here.

Really? Mm-hmm.

No, look, I just need to catch up with this guy

Before he gets on a plane to cleveland.

That's sort of a cliche.

You're sort of a cliche.

One-way ticket to montreal.

Crazy eyes.

I should detain you.

Look, please, I just need to talk to him before he takes off

And I never get the chance again.

Fine. Just leave the sandwich and go through.

Leave the sandwich?

Leave the sandwich.

[Man, over P. A.] boarding call for flight 254 to cleveland.

You're choosing a sandwich over a guy.

Hmm. That is less cliched.

I can do it! I can have it all!

God, lady, you're eating foil!

Floyd. Floyd!

Oh.

Liz.

What are you doing here?

I don't want your car to explode,

And I don't want you to go into a coma.

And I don't want to stab you in the face with a giant fork.

What?

Oh, that's not you.

I've been threatening a lot of people lately.

Look, liz, I'm really sorry about what happened, you know.

Are we at the part where we just become friends again?

I-I came to the airport, didn't I?

And I wolfed my teamsters sub for you.

Wait. No. Is that a saying?

Don't worry about it.

Final boarding call for flight 254...

I gotta go.

Oh, I-I still have your key.

You should keep it.

I mean, if you want to. You never know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you never know.

I'll see you around, liz lemon.

Oh. Hey.

[Male news anchor] msnbc has confirmed

That former ge executive jack donaghy

Will be named by president bush

As the new homeland security

Director of crisis and weather management.

[Man over P. A.] flight 31 to montreal is now blurghing.