My Whole Life Is Thunder

- ♪ Married

♪ Liz lemon got married and made up this song ♪

[Scatting]

- you got married? To what?

- to criss, frank.

Uh-huh, you are now looking at ms. Elizabeth lemon.

I'm keeping my name.

- what h-e-double vibrator

Is that thing on your left hand?

- it's my wedding ring. I got married yesterday.

- how could you do this to me? - flurb?

- you just ruined my surprise wedding.

Paul, you can come down now. - thanks a lot, liz.

I guess I ate all that asparagus for nothing.

- reverend gimp, we'll just have to reschedule.

- where can I get the "c" train?

- wow. Well, if you don't want this kind of thing happening,

Maybe don't have a surprise wedding.

- a-listers always have surprise weddings now, liz.

Timberbiel, beyon-z,

Anne hatha-nobody.

And technically, I am an a-lister now

Because I was on a list to date tom cruise.

But I bailed before I got sucked in too deep,

Praise xenu.

- well, I'm glad you're happy for me.

In case you didn't hear it before,

I got married yesterday.

- yeah, thank you for inviting me.

- congratulations, liz.

It's inspiring to see THAT A WOMAN IN HER 30s

Can still find true love.

- I'm 42, cerie. - I don't know what that is.

Just a reminder that your awards luncheon is today.

- what? - you won an award.

- "congratulations on being named one of the 80 under 80,

Honoring women in entertainment who aren't betty white."

Oh, my goodness, the ceremony will be broadcast

On lifetime... Oh, . Com. \garbagefile?

Okay, but still, I won an award!

[Humming 30 Rocktheme]

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

Okay, big liz lemon day, so hold on tight.

I've got a jenna problem I need to run by you.

- lemon, I'm sorry. I can't help you.

- why not? Our dynamic doesn't have

To change just because I'm married.

We can still have our classic girl friday banter.

"Now you listen here, jack.

This story's not gonna write itself, see?"

"Oh, stop, you brute. I love you. Operator?"

- no, the problem is my mother's in town for christmas.

- already? It's three weeks away.

- she insists on traveling on pearl harbor day

To, and I quote, "show the emperor we're not afraid."

- look, I know she gets under your skin,

But you should appreciate this time with her.

She's 87.

- but that's only 14 in demon years, lemon.

The woman's constant disapproval of me will keep her alive

Forever.

- a blue spruce.

What time do the mariachis arrive?

- but this year I have a plan.

I'm not going to give her anything to disapprove of,

Because as long as she's in new york,

I'm doing absolutely nothing.

I got the idea from watching your president obama

The last four years.

[Telephone rings]

That's her, fishing.

Notice the ring is shriller.

- jack donaghy's office.

No, mrs. Donaghy. He's not doing anything.

He's with liz.

Well, she's wearing it pulled back,

But it's not working.

Exactly. Because of her ears.

[Laughing]

- merry christmas, everyone.

- [whistles]

- kenneth, why are you mopping the floor so angrily?

- you know exactly why, sir.

First miss lemon fired my girlfriend,

And now hazel broke up with me.

Mr. Jordan, do you know why I love television so much?

- because despite cell phones, iPads, AND COMPUTERS,

It's still the most effective portal for poltergeists?

- on tv shows,

Nothing ever really changes.

The people you care about never leave,

And the bad guy always gets what she deserves.

Someone's looking lovely today.

What a burn.

I could have meant someone else.

Although I didn't.

She's radiant.

- mm.

Since I'm not getting married today,

I might as well stuff my face.

- listen, jenna, I didn't mean to steal your thunder.

- my whole life is thunder.

- sure. But, you know, I just found out

That I won this women's in entertainment award--

- first you get married. Now you're winning an award?

These are my things.

Next you'll tell me

Mickey rourke catapulted you into the hollywood sign.

- look, I know you're angry,

But this award is kind of a big deal.

You know, in the past, they've given it to diane sawyer

And elaine may, and did you know

That chuck scarborough is anatomically a woman?

- so I am a lesbian.

- and I'd really love for you to be there.

Did you know it's been 15 years since we first met?

Salutations, jenna maroney.

What brings a mummer to lightsman's row?

- I just wanted to meet the woman

That's been lighting me so awesomely onstage.

Do you have any idea where she is, little boy?

- and I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for you,

So when I accept that award on lifetime. Com\garbagefile,

I want you onstage with me.

- so there'll be cameras? - yes.

- oh, liz, you had me at "hayden panettiere is dead."

Of course I'll be there.

- oh, thank you, jenna. That really means a lot to me.

- ♪ Secret plan

♪ Revenge on my mind

- hey, I'm going downstairs to get a coffee.

You want anything? - pumpkin spice, please.

- great. - ♪ Secret plan

- excuse me. I don't mean to bother you,

But I'm a nymphomaniac virgin widow,

And I just completed my year of mourning,

And I've got a hotel room and a latex allergy,

And, well, I was just wondering what you were doing

For the next 12 to 14 hours.

- I'm doing nothing.

Let's go before my mother... [Cell phone buzzing]

Nice try, mother.

Yes, you sensed I was doing something

You would disapprove of.

Your powers remain strong, old one,

But there's nothing you can say to ruin this.

- I see a spot in front of my left eye.

If this turns out to be a stroke,

You're in charge of plucking my chin.

You better come home, jackie.

I have a few things I want to say to you

Before I meet the grim reaper,

Who is black, I assume,

What with the hoodies he wears. - that's quite all right.

I've heard your last words before.

For instance, in junior high,

When you faked a heart attack

To keep me from going camping.

- I didn't trust that scoutmaster.

He was always wearing shorts.

- in fact, I think I have your dying speech memorized.

"How could you do this to me?

"You're such a huge disappointment.

"If only dragnet hadn't been preempted because of sputnik,

You never would have been conceived."

- please, jackie, just come home!

I'm dizzy, jack. [Clatter]

- wonderful sound effects, mother.

Mother? Mother?

- you left crumbs on the floor

So that the mice spelled, "come see me"?

- yes, kenneth, I've been thinking about what you said

About wishing life could be like tv.

- that would be great, although I'd get rid of those ads

That pop up in the middle of your favorite tv shows.

- well, why don't you discuss it with special guest star

Florence henderson?

- mrs. Brady! - uh-uh.

I told the black guy here, none of that brady stuff.

Now let's get this over with.

Which booking is this?

Are you the perverts who want to go

To town on each other while I make a pie?

- welcome, ladies. Welcome.

I'm bonnie badamath.

I'm the chairperson for today's event.

I can't shake hands because I have carpal tunnel syndrome

From zipping up my own dress now that gary's gone.

- well, I'm very happy to be here.

- well, I'm just so glad that you found the place,

What with my directions,

[Voice breaking] BECAUSE GARY was the navigator.

Thank you.

[Yelps]

- this is exciting.

Oh, look, you're in the program.

- ah, great, they must have gotten this picture

Off the internet.

Why does the other liz lemon always come up first?

- who cares? They're honoring you.

Now you go find our table.

I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

- ooh, I have to go too. - wait for me.

- I just went, but I guess I could go again.

- what the what?

Oh, my god, she's gonna do her wedding

Just to ruin my thing?

Wow. My best friend.

- best friend troubles, talking to yourself, I've been there.

- and you know why jenna's mad at me?

Because I got married.

- you know what my best friend did for my 50th birthday?

She gives everybody a car, and then she's all,

"Thank you for coming to gayle's birthday!"

- the crazy thing is I always end up apologizing to her

'Cause her feelings are so much more important than mine.

- oh, I hear you.

When I got bangs, my best friend

Didn't even acknowledge them, so I was gonna grow them out.

Then after reading an article

In my best friend's magazine,

I realized my feelings are valid,

So I had to say to her, "my bangs,

"They're not about you.

It's about me trying to cover my forehead."

- exactly. Thank you.

We're talking about oprah, right?

- no, of course not.

[Whispering] she can hear us.

- well, this is certainly high drama.

- these are the clothes that I want to be buried in.

And make sure I'm holding this.

Glue this pin to the inside of the coffin lid.

For grave robbers.

- for grave robbers? I remember the first time

You ever threatened me with your death.

- you should be more appreciative.

I went down to a pack a day for you.

One day, you're gonna turn around,

And I'll be dead like that.

- all right. You can knock it off now, mother.

I'm home. What happened to your eye?

Did you really fall? - I was watching tv,

And they started interviewing an asian santa claus,

And my arm went numb. - and you called me?

Mother, call an ambulance.

- my father did not kill dozens of germans

So that his daughter could die in a van.

- but he wasn't even in the war.

- go about your day, jack.

Just leave the door open and let the elements take me.

- you're going to the hospital,

And I don't care how I have to get you there.

- well, I'm not going in an ambulance.

I'll take a horse-drawn carriage.

- those carriages are rolling torture wagons

For nature's most dignified creature.

The horse is one of only three appropriate subjects

For a painting, along with ships with sails

And men holding up swords while staring off into the distance.

- sure, let's argue about horses now.

Bring down my things.

I'm going out of this world exactly the way I came into it,

Wearing a hat.

[Elevator door dings]

- there you are, k through 12.

- are you the same guy as before?

Or does that sun-bleached turd have a twin brother?

- same guy, ma'am.

- oh. - uh-oh.

Looks like we're stuck in an elevator.

I guess we'll have to remember stuff

And learn from each other, just like on tv.

- wait, you did this on purpose?

- are you sure you know what you're doing?

- apex technical school puts students first.

And the perfect time to enroll is now.

- wait, we're stuck? Get us down.

I don't have my flask.

- I'm freaking out. This was a bad idea.

- is this alcohol-based?

- why are you doing this to me, jacob?

- [shouting]

- so our next honoree liz lemon is the head writer

Of tgs with tracy jordan,

And I am told she got married yesterday,

Just like gary and that bitch

Who was selling us our dream house.

So let's take a look at liz's work.

Hang on. This is being weird.

- blow on the disk. - is it on the right component?

- try unplugging it and plugging it back in.

- just open the disk part and blow on it.

- looking for this?

- you ruined my wedding. It's payback time.

- jenna, what I did was an accident,

But you're trying to sabotage me

Just because I'm getting an award?

- you know you don't deserve it.

Without me, you'd still be

Behind that light board in chicago,

Turning bags of sour patch kids inside out

To lick them clean. - I got my money's worth.

And without me you'd still be doing

Local commercials for store-brand douches.

- well, joke's on you, because that wasn't a commercial.

I don't know what that was.

- I swear to god, you are the most selfish human being

On the planet. - thank you.

Visit my website for extras and ringtones.

- only because I've let you be. It stops tonight.

- you can't stop me from getting on that stage.

- are you sure?

'Cause guess what this lighting board nerd did?

- so what can I do for a fellow lightsmith?

- I want you to come up 20% on 16, 32, and 70.

- no, but that would-- - just do it!

Well, this stage is now lit for grocery store milk aisle.

- [gasps] I can't get up there.

I'll look... - horrible.

Yeah. Oh, no.

Did I ruin your wedding again?

- also you need to tell your aunt mary,

When she was two, there was an accident

With a hot comb.

Well, she used to be a boy.

- stop talking, mother.

Save your strength for yelling at doctors.

- there's a couple of other things I want you to know, jack.

And I don't want you to interrupt me until I'm done.

All I want is for you to be happy.

- happy? - yes.

- since when did you ever care about happiness?

- don't talk to me like that, jack.

I breast-fed you for nine years!

- those are terrible last words.

The closest you ever get to happiness

Is when you're criticizing something,

Preferably something I've done.

- jack, stop talking.

I am not going to be around forever.

- oh, here it comes. - one of these days,

You're gonna turn around, jack,

And I'm gonna be gone... Just like that.

- when this little performance is over,

I may put you in a home just like that.

Mother...

Mother?

- I can't get it to work,

And there's still 78 women to go,

So whatever, liz lemon.

[Applause]

- no, you don't ruin my thing.

I ruin your thing.

- you are not the center of the universe, jenna.

- I am too. I'm the moon.

- ladies, please, today we're celebrating women--

- can it, bonnie.

I can't believe you're doing this to me.

And paul. He's been in that steamer trunk for hours.

- it's all right. The lack of oxygen is making me orgasm.

- [hisses]

- why can't you ever be happy for me, ever?

I got married, and you don't care.

- why should she?

We shouldn't be defining ourselves by our men.

- oh, so in order to be independent,

We have to be asexual?

- you would know, judy.

- god, I miss gary so much!

I put his sweater on a body pillow!

[Moaning]

I took it for a canoe ride! [Moans]

- lightsmith, help me out. Fire up the lekos

And the klieg.

- [hissing]

[Exclamations]

- don't look at me.

Don't look at me. Don't look at me!

- jack, I got your text,

But I think there was some autocorrect problems.

Colleen had a fart attack?

- she died, liz.

- oh, my god.

- she had a heart attack and died on the way here.

- oh, jack, I am so sorry.

- before she died, colleen told me

She just wants me to be happy. - really?

'Cause that doesn't sound like her,

But I guess people do say strange things at the end.

You know, my grandmother said, "liz, stop playing

With the flesh around my elbow."

- "I just want you to be happy."

You know who you say that to? A loser.

Someone who can't hope for anything more in life

Than just being happy.

You say that to someone who has disappointed you.

- jack. - no. It's perfect.

She's a genius.

One last twist of the knife.

Well, thank you for coming, lemon, but I better get going.

The funeral is tomorrow.

Colleen wanted to be buried

Before the rest of the family found out

And sold her body to a haunted house.

And, of course, I get to eulogize colleen at the service.

One more chance to disappoint her

As she looks up at me from her throne...

In hell.

- [exhales]

Jenna...

- jenna. I mean, liz.

- look, life's too short to be fighting with your best friend.

- I know. Can I be real with you, liz?

All these years I've always been able to look at you

And feel better about myself.

- sure. - don't interrupt.

The pill that lets me feel emotion is gonna wear off soon.

Watching you struggle at work,

Dating losers, wearing boys' husky jeans--

- they have reinforced crutches.

- now you're winning awards,

You're not aging the way I wanted you to,

And you're married to a guy that I think about during sex.

- aww-ugh.

- everything feels a little upside-down,

But I am happy for you.

- and I'm sorry you weren't at my wedding.

- but it made me realize

That this whole surprise wedding thing is stupid.

When I get married, I want

Everyone I care about to be there.

- wow, jenna,

I feel like you and I haven't talked like this--

- pill wearing off. You have mom arms.

[Pipe organ playing]

- kenneth, it's hazel.

She's back. I recast her.

She tested through the roof...

At the std clinic.

- mr. Jordan, stop.

I don't want my life to be like tv anymore.

Because no one learns anything in elevators,

And we almost killed florence henderson.

- yes. Almost.

- I don't want my life to be like tv,

Because my life is way better.

Where else but real life

Would a millionaire movie star

Care so much about a hillbilly janitor

That he would spend two days

Trying to cheer him up?

You can't do that on television.

Because, if you did, no one would watch.

Thank you, mr. Jordan.

Thank you for my wonderful life.

- I sure picked the right week to come back.

- you weren't supposed to have any lines, kwon lee.

Now I have to pay you.

- friends, last night when I sat down

To write a speech worthy of my mother's 87 years,

I thought I was facing an impossible task

Until I realized that her constant crushing disapproval

Was a gift.

The greatest gift a mother ever gave a son.

My lifelong quest to please that woman

Is what made me the man I am today,

The man who has been the centerfold of fortune magazine

No fewer than three times, the man who in 1984

Wore a tuxedo so well he broke up the go-go's,

The man who last night wrote and today will deliver

The greatest eulogy of all time.

Dublin, 1852,

A ship bobs in the lee tide

Of the icy irish sea.

Her name... Ariel.

[Speaking Irish Gaelic]

- [sobbing] today, we are all irish.

- and the plumber says, "I don't know.

But that's a pretty big pizza."

[Laughter]

- life is for the living!

- but there's a truth in the center of that.

[Playing Danny Boy]

♪

Thank you, kermit, for explaining the afterlife to us.

- ah, listen, jack, thank you

For being the man we all aspire to be.

- ladies and gentlemen,

Sir paul mccartney and the harlem boys choir.

- yaaay!

- and, though the falling snow would erase her footprints,

It could never erase our memory of her.

I love you, mother.

End of eulogy.

[Applause]

- oh, wonderful, jack! Wonderful!

- jenna, no, don't do this.

- jenna, yes, do this.

All the people that I care about are here.

It's perfect.

[Exclamations]

- we are so glad that you could come, liz.

I hope traffic wasn't too bad getting here.

- surprise. I'm getting married.

- mother would have hated this.

[Snickers]

- yaaay!

- and I promise not to make fun of you

When you ask where your glasses are

And they are on your head.

- I do do that.

- and I promise to always pour antibiotics

All over your penis

Before you staple it to anything.

- oh. - and now paul will read

The vows he has written for jenna.

- jenna, I didn't know what I was missing in my life

Until I met you.

I love you more than words can say,

And I am so honored to be taking your first and last name.

- ladies and gentlemen,

Presenting mrs. And mr. Jenna maroneys.

[Scattered applause]