The Return of Avery Jessup

- [exhales]

I'm sorry I bit your tongue. It's been a while.

- I'm sorry I taste like korean cigarettes.

Tobacco's the only thing with protein over there.

Their meat is just deflated kickballs.

- how are you feeling?

- ready to put this all behind me.

I don't even want to think about the things they made me do.

Earlier today, america's credit rating

Was downgraded to triple fart-minus.

- you poor thing, over there all alone.

- ahoy there.

- oh, jack, this is scott scottsman.

- [loudly] scott scottsman.

My ears are all plugged up from the plane.

Am I talking too loud?

- scott was forced to do sports

On american news channel usa.

Avery jessup with news.

- scott scottsman with sports.

- and it's me, johnny mountain,

With the weather on the one and the traffic on the one.

You no ask how I do it.

- it's a funny story, really.

I was working for ksct, our of scottsdale.

They sent me to south korea to do a "where are they now?"

On the pitcher byung-hyun kim.

Turns out he's still living in america,

And I get kidnapped. [Chuckles]

- uh-huh.

I had no idea there was another hostage there.

A man.

- right. Well, we should get home.

For american news channel usa, this is avery jessup.

- and I'm scott scottsman...

Both: REMINDING ALL OF YOU there is no weekend.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

- good morning. - oh--

- I'm putting together a knock list

For the work upstairs.

What do you think about an intercom?

That way, if it's an office, you can call down.

If it's a nursery, then you can hear the baby.

Or the plant. It's your body.

- right. Well, if I did ever have a... Plant with you

Or whatever-- I mean, at my age,

We might have to get an asian plant

Or accept an older plant with some behavioral issues,

And we're a little afraid of it--

- do you want an intercom, liz?

- yes. Sure. To hear the plant.

[Nervous laugh]

I'm sorry. It's just the more we talk about this,

It's scary.

I mean, that plant's not coming out of your butt, pal,

It's coming out of mine.

- all right, well, look, to do everything,

It's gonna be around ten grand. - duck?

- I'm gonna do as much work as possible,

But I don't think it's safe

For me to do the wiring in an old building like this.

The walls are filled with electrocuted mice.

- well, I could dip into my 401k...

Is something I've heard old people say in commercials.

- well, I could chip in. If you take my profits

From the hot dog truck and add 'em to the $300

My aunt gave me for christmas, I'd have $200.

Yeah. - right.

Let me think about it, but I've got to get to work.

Oh, boy, I sound just like my dad.

- which, I guess, makes me mrs. Lemon.

- seriously, though, I gotta get to work.

- oh, I gotta get to yoga and lunch with the girls.

- tracy, who sponsored your wedding?

- I don't know. There was a lot of fanta there,

And the police, so maybe they co-sponsored it?

- oh, that's right, you were a nobody when you got married.

Only huge stars get to have their wedding sponsored.

- ms. Maroney, a wedding is a simple

And beautiful ceremony

Where an old man and a crying girl

Get pushed into the coupling shed.

- no, if you don't have a sponsor these days,

You're nobody.

My sponsor is the southern tourism bureau.

It's perfect 'cause I'm sort of a down-home,

America's sweetheart type.

Leonardi, my hair psychic, is always saying

How down to earth I am.

- oh, I know the southern tourism bureau.

They pay me a yearly stipend to stay in new york.

- they're paying for me and paul to get married

On an old plantation.

Which is great 'cause our wedding was gonna be

Slavery-themed anyway.

All I have to do is shoot a commercial

And say, "dixie is calling, you all.

I reckon you should answer."

- are you sure you're saying that right?

- of course I am. I have a natural southern accent,

'Cause I'm from le flori-dah pahn-hahndle.

- you know, a lot of people lose their accents

Once they leave home and go off to the big city.

Before moving here, I done used to talk-n-jaw like this, see?

- and when I'm at work, I use my white-people voice.

You should see how we talk in the bronx.

Raar blarg shmoo-boo wagga!

- I'm sorry, sir, I have no idea what you're saying.

- I'm sure it's nothing that I can't fix

With a little accent work.

I'm not gonna let it ruin my dream wedding.

- it's only a dream wedding? Thank god!

I did not want to attend.

- all set, jack.

- did liddy go down? - eventually.

Understandably, she's a little wary of me.

I heard her ask her bear who the dye job is.

- oh, don't worry about it. You're home now,

We're jack and avery,

And we are going to crush this return to normalcy.

- absolutely.

It's gonna be like I was never away.

- absolutely. Frankly,

Not too much has changed.

THERE IS AN iPod 3 and a mitt romney 4.

They worked all the bugs out.

He's not killing hobos at night anymore.

And tomorrow, I am going to throw you

A thankschristmasvaleneasterween of july party.

- genius. We'll celebrate all the holidays I missed

In one night.

We are gonna be so normal so fast!

I've already started my job search.

I'm making a new reel.

I actually did some good work over there.

Scott and I co-reported on the north koreans

Sweeping the olympics.

They did, right? - yes... Scott.

I'm so glad there was someone there for you

During this, uh, ordeal.

- look, jack, I know we can put everything back

The way it was.

There's just one thing I need to say first.

- I didn't wear your nightgowns.

If they seem stretched out,

It's because you're remembering wrong.

No, jack, what I want to say is...

[Clears throat]

If anything happened while I was gone

Between you and someone else...

It doesn't matter now. Okay?

All is forgiven.

- okay, jenna, I need some relationship advice.

- well, you've come to the right place.

I've been writing a sex column for cosmo.

Cosmo is my 14-year-old neighbor.

He doesn't know anything.

- no, it's not about sex. It's about money.

- [chuckles] oh, liz!

Sex, money, power, fire,

Choking, being dragged behind a speed boat--

It's all the same thing.

- look, you and I are both in situations

Where we're the breadwinner.

How do you and paul deal with that?

- we love it.

Gender role-reversal is such a turn-on.

Paul keeps the house nice,

And I try to get him pregnant.

And the best part is, if I want to treat myself

To a new pair of christy labuttons,

I don't have to ask any man for $17.

- I'm sorry, christy who? - labuttons.

They're knockoff christian louboutins.

I got tired of ruining $1,200 shoes

Trying to impregnate my boyfriend.

- you know something, against all odds,

You have a point.

Feminism promised us two things--

Fatter dolls, and an end to traditional gender roles.

Why am I fighting this?

So what if I make more money than criss?

- exactly. It doesn't bother me.

Doesn't bother oprah.

- it sure doesn't seem to bother criss.

He's at yoga right now.

- you wear the pants, liz.

You don't necessarily pull them off

Because of your hips, but you wear them.

So embrace it!

- lemon, avery's missed the past 12 months

Of popular culture.

Could you put together a presentation for tomorrow?

An hour, tops.

- an hour for the year?

Am I supposed to just scratch the surface

Of channing tatum's meteoric rise?

- lemon, avery did something strange this morning.

- [gasps] THEY BRAINWASHED HER, didn't they?

- avery said something this morning--

Something shocking.

That no matter what happened while she was gone,

"All is forgiven."

- and that's bad?

It seems awfully nice of her, considering.

- exactly. Awfully nice.

Does that sound like avery to you?

- well, no. - that woman does not forgive.

She's still furious with al gore

For stealing george bush's idea to have an internet.

And now she's forgiving me? Why?

Because she wants to change the conversation

Because she's done something she doesn't want to talk about.

And what do people not want to talk about?

Soccer, jazz, infidelity.

- okay, first of all, I don't know

What you count as cheating,

But she was forced to marry someone else.

- kim jong-un, lemon.

Have you seen news footage of that man?

- I have so many missile!

I even have nuclear missile.

Just for you, sugarprong.

- there was another american there, lemon.

A man. It raises some red flags.

- oh, my god. Who are you to talk?

You french-canadian kissed her mother,

Which is my name for french kissing

When it bums everybody else out.

- yes. Brilliant. I'll use my indiscretion

To guilt her into revealing hers.

The game is afoot!

- no. She's been back for, like six hours.

Maybe take a little time,

Let things get back to normal.

- playing psycho-sexual mind games is our normal, lemon.

This is perfect. Everything's perfect.

- dadgum possum up'n what bit my mama's neck brace.

- dadgum possum up and what been bit my mother's neck brace.

- again! - dadgum possum up and what been

My mom's neck brace.

- again, you waste of my time!

- dadgum possum up'n what bit my mama's neck brace!

- there it is. Again!

Excellent. Again!

- dixie's callin', y'all. I reckon you should answer.

No, this isn't right.

This isn't southern elegance.

This is a dirtbag girl I once knew.

A girl named jay-nuh!

She used to get into fistfights at water parks,

And lost her virginity to a bait salesman on a water bed.

She's not who I am anymore. I'm classy.

- people who say that about themselves usually are.

- this whole southern thing is wrong.

I need to find a new wedding sponsor

That's as classy as I am.

I'm not this person, 'cause I done got rid of her!

- kim jong-il could not be reached for comment

Because he was having a totally normal day

Being alive and not dead.

And now with sports, scott scottsman.

- thanks, avery. In nba action,

Kim jong-un won the championship today.

Our brilliant comrade scored 200 points

And then went hot-tubbing with a couple guys

He's definitely just friends with.

[Pause button hit]

- hey. - hi.

- look, I've been thinking about what you said earlier

About forgiveness-- it was beautiful.

But I would feel very guilty if I kept anything from you,

As I know you would if you kept something from me.

So while you were away,

I did have feelings for another woman.

- thank you.

I forgive you.

- you lose, jack...

Is what kim jong-il said to jack nicklaus

After defeating him in golf today

Because they're both totally alive.

- wow, you went out and bought a fedora.

- oh, this? I finally watched the premiere

Of prime suspect on hulu. It's really very good.

Anyway, I thought I would treat myself.

But don't worry, I'm gonna take care of you too.

- wow. Okay, but look,

I still want to chip in on this renovation.

- and clean out your life savings?

Why don't you take that $200

And buy yourself something cute?

Here's a hint. [Whispers] I LIKE ZIPPERS.

- I'm a man. I'm a man, I'm a man!

I'm an adult man!

You think I like you having to pay for everything?

It's humiliating.

- but gender roles, fat dolls--

- you think I like having to earn crisspoints

So that I can take you on dates that you actually pay for?

I thought you liked the crisspoints system.

- only because liking the crisspoints system

Is one of the ways I earn crisspoints!

- okay, I'm sorry that I offended your male pride,

But you're the one who chose to sell hot dogs out of a car.

- it is a van with a car engine, liz, okay?

Now, look, if your show gets canceled, okay,

Or nbc just becomes a web site

That sells used office supplies,

I'd like to know that I can take care of you.

And now we're talking about having a plant?

It's stressing me out!

- oh, really? It's stressing youout?

Of course, because you're the person

Who has to krang that plant for nine months,

Poop it, and then go back to work to support both of you!

- uh-huh. So what you're saying is

You need somebody different to do this with.

Somebody with money that's probably named spencer

Or grant.

And he has a watch, and an office with a trash can

And a little basketball hoop on it.

And he plays as hard as he works because, damn it,

He deserves to blow off a little steam.

- god, I don't wanna be with spencer!

- and yet you're silent about grant.

Well, guess what-- I'm gonna become grant.

That's right, tomorrow I'm gonna take my truck out,

And I'm gonna start pulling my weight, like a man.

Now, get in that bed, and let's watch dance moms.

- hey, girl.

Are you crying because there are no roles

FOR ACTRESSES IN THEIR 40s, nor should there be?

- I thought I found a classy new sponsor for my wedding,

But then something happened.

- [from English accent to Southern accent]

Hubbard's flavorless english water biscuits--

[Clears throat] I'm sorry.

Hubbard's flavorless english water biscuits--

- cut! - they fired me.

We did 50 takes, and I couldn't do it.

- 50? That's nothing. I once did 100 takes

And still couldn't say the word "incorrigible."

Great, now I get it!

Siri, bring jessica tandy back to life.

- I thought that girl from toilet swamp cove

Was dead and buried,

But she's always been there inside me,

And now she's taking over.

I want to throw a natty light at a cop car!

- I have someone inside me too.

It's a bath toy of a scuba diver.

- I need to take a walk and clear my head

[Cell phone chimes] - tracy...

Jessica tandy's zombie is coming to find you.

Is that correct?

- yes, siri. Thank you, baby.

- so, lemon, I took your advice

And used my transgression with diana,

As a weapon to interrogate avery,

Just as you suggested.

- that is not what I suggested.

You just hear what you want to hear.

- oh, thank you. They're from italy.

I just gave avery a little taste.

Said I was attracted to another woman.

Guess what she told me.

Nothing. She just forgave me.

Believe me, I didn't expect her

To come out of her forgiveness bunker so easily,

But I really need to up the ante.

Drop a grenade in that bunker,

Like jim brown in the dirty dozen.

[Clicks tongue] enjoy your party, nazis!

[Imitates explosion]

- are you talking about your wife?

- god, she's good.

This kind of gamesmanship is why I love her.

She has the brain of a man, and the ass of a french teenager.

But I will win.

- I don't know, jack, it's 2012.

It's not always clear who wears the pants in the family.

I do, lemon. I wear the pants.

- good morning. - oh, good morning.

- nice pants, avery.

- and, liz, good to see you.

Oh, you're hair's the same.

- it's not. Actually, something terrible happened.

- I don't have a lot of time.

I have my year-in-finance presentation after this,

And lloyd blankfein slithers back into the sewers

To eat rotten fish at 6:00, so--

- [rapping] ♪ Deathly hallowsand tebow ♪

♪ Oprah does her last show

♪ Beyonce had a baby, yo

♪ It's a 12-month wrap-up, rap-rap-rap-up ♪

- you know what, I'll just read some us weeklies.

- thank you, lemon. But it's an hour long,

Like you wanted. - thank you.

- fine. [Mutters indistinctly]

- I'm gonna head down to goldman early.

- avery, I should tell you something.

I wasn't completely honest

When I was being completely honest earlier.

- let me stop you right there.

I forgave you so that we wouldn't have to discuss this.

- let me stop you right there from stopping me right there.

I know why you forgave me.

But the woman I mentioned, we kissed.

And I know I would hate it if you kept something

Like that from me, so--

- so... I forgive you.

And no matter what you say,

I am always going to forgive you.

Always.

- aha! What do you think? Pretty awesome, huh?

It's a brand new location, liz.

I got a subway entrance right here,

And I got a tour bus stop right there.

Also, fox news is right across the street,

And word is greta van susteren eats hot dogs like slimer.

- yeah, who's usually here?

Oh, right, those creepy, off-brand

Sesame street characters that harass tourists

Into paying them to take pictures with them.

I hate those guys.

As a sesame street purist,

I don't think elmo usually tells passing women

The they have a sweet dumper. Hey!

- this is our corner, pal! - you don't own this corner.

And I got a family to support, like a man.

- [gasps] - oh!

Don't hit my cheekbones! - hey, stop it!

Get off him, elmo!

- legally, I have to say I'm elmarg!

- [hick accent] oh, them puppets done picked

The wrong day to cross my kin!

It's on, panhandle style!

Well, it's over.

I'm never gonna get a wedding sponsor now.

That dirtbag jay-nuhwon.

I wanted my wedding to be an expression of who I am,

And now it will be.

I'm a panhandle hick,

And my wedding will be just another panel

On my mother's family history back tattoo.

- oh, come on, it's not all that bad.

Look at that caption.

"Aging star, jenna maroney, beats up elmo with her..."

So you own things. That's good.

"Christian..." That's always a good word.

- wait, did they say "christian" about my shoes?

"With her christian louboutins."

They didn't know that my shoes were cheap knockoffs.

They thought they were fancy,

Even though they're secretly crap.

That's it. That's who I am!

I'm that knockoff designer shoe.

My outside is shiny and pretty,

But my inside is filled with cardboard and horse glue.

I've solved my identity crisis!

More importantly, I know who can sponsor my wedding!

[Laughter, chatter]

- no, I think it's a very cool costume, mayor bloomberg.

- tonight, I'm mayor booo-mberg.

- yes, I think you've mentioned that.

- booo... Booo...

- scott.

- happy birthdaversary, honey.

- oh, jack, this homecoming's been amazing.

- nice to see you relaxing and enjoying yourself,

And totally unprepared for a forgiveness attack.

- what? - avery...

- what?

- the woman I kissed is your mother.

- [gasps]

That is... Shocking.

But I told you all is forgiven,

So... All is forgiven.

- what do I have to say to guilt the truth out of you?

How about this? A few months ago,

Liddy broke into the gun safe

And shot up your gift-wrapping room.

I did wear your nightgowns.

Not to feel you near, they're just comfortable.

I had an erotic dream about an adult dora the explorer.

I took her on a balcony in madrid,

Above the plaza mayor.

She had flowers in her hair.

Now I've admitted everything.

Game over, avery. Tell me what you did.

- I'll tell you exactly what I did, jack.

I won. - you what?

- I got you to tell me everything you did.

And guess what-- I didn't do anything.

- but scott scottsman-- - until the flight home,

The only words I'd ever said to scott scottsman were,

"And now with sports, scott scottsman."

- I thought I was playing you,

And you were playing me the whole time.

- and in 24 hours, I got you to tell me things

It would have taken you years to admit.

Nowwe can start over.

The final piece of the puzzle is just me forgiving you

For, um... Kissing my mother!

- we did it. Everything's normal.

- usa! - it's classic us.

Damn it, jessup, I'd marry you all over again!

That's what we're gonna do. We've gonna renew our vows.

- we need a new blender anyway. - oh, baby.

- oh!

- sorry I'm late. Criss got into a fight

With an elmo.

And he hates it that I make more money than he does.

And I don't know, maybe we're not supposed

To have a plant together.

Love is complicated, right? - wrong.

We kicked love's ass! - yes!

We're renewing our vows.

- no, no, renewing vows is a kiss of death.

You should have let me finish my rap.

There was a whole verse about it!

♪ J-lo and marc anthony

♪ Donn and vicki from o. C.♪

♪ 12-month wrap-up, rap-rap-rap-up ♪

- lemon.

- it's the kiss of death, yo!

I reject chris brown's comeback! Lemon out!

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