Queen of Jordan 2: Mystery of the Phantom Pooper

- previously on queen of jordan...

- randi, now that barbara's dead,

I need a nanny.

- that's perfect!

All my children were taken away.

- can you believe that d'fwan is telling you

That angie is starting her own clothing line?

- why don't you control your dog?

- he controls me!

[Phone rings]

Hello, angie--

I mean, hello, whoever it is going to be.

- hi, jack, it's angie.

I wanted to remind you we have a meeting

Today about my fashion line.

- looking forward to it.

We can do a lot of cross-promotion

Between our shows and your clothing brand,

Uh, cheek.

- it's pronounced "chic".

It's french.

Now that I'm a fashion designer,

I'm an octuple threat--

Reality star, actress, singer/songreader,

Perfumist, ibs survivor, best-selling author

Of a book I didn't write, catchphrase coiner.

"I'll take that with cheese."

Well they don't all work.

Cheek is stretchable formal wear

For elegant plus-sized women and huskier gays.

Tonight is the big fashion show for cheek's summer line.

I find that my target customer sweats a lot

And often gets thrown into a public pool.

Now this show is the-- [phone rings]

- angie, I'm sorry, but I have to take this other call.

- what? No, you don't--

Rude!

- this is jack donaghy.

- this is sam lockwood with the state department.

I have very good news, sir.

Your wife is coming home.

- I'm stunned.

The cia captured a north korean spy.

So we were able to arrange a prisoner swap next week.

In exchange for my wife, they get their spy back,

A crate of hollister sweatshirts

And a signed headshot of don johnson.

They just got nash bridges.

Obviously, this is a very personal matter,

So I would appreciate it if your guys at bravo--

Excuse me, "gays" at bravo--

Handle this with the same delicacy

With which you handled

D'fwan's boyfriend's pregnancy scare.

- it's my way till pay day.

Where is he?

Jack donaghy is late for our meeting.

- not to be racist, but white guys are typically punctual.

I'm sorry I got so real,

But nothing's gonna change unless there's a dialogue.

- I've never been so disrespected in my life.

And I've gone to and worked at the post office.

[Knock on door]

- mrs. Jordan, mr. Donaghy sends his apologies,

But he is unable to attend your meeting.

I'm here as his representative.

- oh, no.

That man is about to get some cheese with that.

- that catchphrase is improving, baby!

- you don't give me notes!

- hey, girlfriend.

Looks like you need a girlfriend.

- I have a girlfriend.

Her name is raven-symone senior.

- I'm really close to the whole q of jcast.

So I know they're gonna pull me into all of their drama

And I'm gonna be on the show a lot.

[Chuckles] I will be on the show a lot.

- where's jack? - boob monster!

- I'm supposed to have a meeting

With jack donaghy.

Do you not know where your own husband is?

I know they're not married.

I just like them to know

I DON'T GIVE A [bleep] about their lives.

- jack's probably busy, angie.

His wife was kidnapped, but now she's coming back,

And all these cameras are around,

So they've been following him everywhere.

- uh-huh.

I see what's happening.

Jacks' not just blowing me off.

He's trying to ruin my big night.

- no, angie, what's happening with him is cra--

- no, what's happening is the cheek fashion show.

That's what people wanna know about.

And tracy's planning a huge surprise for me at the end.

- really? What is it?

- I don't know, liz. It's a surprise.

Do you know what a surprise is?

Now you do.

- you didn't have a drink. Wha?

- shh!

Don't learn to talk.

A woman's power comes from her silence.

- you're liz, right? - hey, randi.

Great episode last week.

I thought it was very brave of you to pose

For playboy against playboy's wishes.

- I need a date to angie's fashion show

And tracy tells me that you're, you know, the village bicycle.

- what? No. Why would he say that?

- doctor guy, pilot guy, cleveland dude,

British guy, rich dude, james franco.

I've been with the same woman for 22 years.

No judgments, but to me, liz lemon is a sex maniac.

- well, a lady never goes anywhere without a date.

Can someone watch virginia? - I can't.

Contractually, I can only hold beautiful black babies

In benetton ads.

- and I don't know if I should.

'Cause I'm might bite these fat little legs.

I might eat them up, they're so fat and juicy.

[Chuckles]

Rude.

- no, sam, the military brings her back.

Don't even let clinton know about this.

He and steve bing will break out their sex plane.

It is a sex plane.

There aren't even any seats.

It's just futons and jacuzzis.

I've gotta run, sam.

- jack I-- god, what is this?

- oh, it's just one of our shows.

They're following me today.

- ugh, is this one of those ridiculous reality shows

Like ken burns's jazz? Disgusting.

- I'm sorry, diana. Ignore them.

Eventually, you won't even know they're here.

- I'm just a little overwhelmed right now.

I could use a drink.

- I'm afraid that while we're on camera,

I can only offer you d'fwan's boutique wine, "d'fwine".

- d'fwine.

Please d'fwink responsibly.

- to avery's return.

- I'm a part of this as well.

I played avery in the tv movie, kidnapped by danger.

- jenna, this is for family only.

- [chuckles]

Now you sound like the cops outside of jackie o's funeral.

But I got in there

And sang almost all of hey big spender.

♪ The m-- - jenna, this is inappropriate.

I suggest you go back to

Whatever florida bathroom you crawled out of.

- I can see I'm not wanted here.

But thank you for looking up on wikipedia

That I was conceived on a toilet.

No one wants me in their story.

[Sobbing]

If a beautiful woman cries and no one hears it,

Did she waste $700 on crying lessons

At adrian brody's unaccredited acting school?

- jack, when avery does get back,

I don't think we should tell her about us.

[Spits]

- OH, [bleep]

- I want to make sure we're all very clear

About what my mother in law said in my office.

She said we shouldn't tell avery about gus.

Gus is someone I've gone into business with

And avery wouldn't approve of him.

Why would she disapprove?

Uh, well, uh, because they dated... At yale.

Gus was a professor.

Of course you'll meet him.

We do business all the time.

- tracy, I know you're planning

A big. Romantic surprise for me

At the end of the fashion show.

But jack donaghy is messing with my special day.

So whatever you were thinking about doing, double it.

Call mo'nique.

Do a dove release.

Parachute in and propose to me all over again, you hear?

- angie, I wasn't even gonna go to your fashion show.

It's at 8:00,

Which is 9:00 am tokyo time.

That's when takashi's parents leave for work

And we play mass effect 3online.

[Laughs]

Mr. And mrs. Tanaka think he's at school,

But he's playing video games with a drunk adult.

- now I know you're just saying that

Because you don't want to ruin the surprise

'Cause you're a good husband.

- oh, my god.

Ned stark is dead?

- I love my wife.

I want her to be happy.

But more than that, I'm gonna do nothing.

It's hard trying to have it all.

- you wait here, bernardo.

[Baby babbling]

- SHE BIT MY [bleep].

- eew.

- my glasses.

It's work. It's work.

But she is at such a fun age.

You get so much out of it.

It's fine, I'm fine.

- if everything goes according to plan,

Avery will be back in a few days.

In the meantime I have a lot of work to do...

With gus, my business partner,

Whom diana mentioned earlier.

Gus, there's gus.

Why are you wearing the hat

I asked you not to wear anymore to our meetings?

- we're higher up here,

So the sun's electricity is stronger.

- well, uh, let's go over the numbers, gus.

As you can see, the numbers look pretty good.

We're under budget and in line with projections.

Great, well, uh, meeting over.

You probably shouldn't have even filmed that, it was so boring.

Oh, diana, you remember gus, whom you said we shouldn't tell

Avery about because she used to date him.

- she was nasty.

She loved pee.

- thank you, gus. - no, jack.

I didn't say gus.

I already explained to them what I said.

I said I did not want avery to know about rus.

In slavic myth, rus is the founder of russia.

Why can't avery know about

The mythological founder of russia?

Because jack has invested a lot of money in a restaurant

I'm opening called "rus".

It is russian cuisine.

Who doesn't love cold, purple soup?

- diana, we're talking about the same thing,

Because, as you know,

The restaurant rus is the business venture

I'm engaged in with gus.

- right, he is the chef.

- as I mentioned earlier, he's a professor at yale.

- which is funny,

Because he looks so much more like a chef.

- oh, what's funniest... Is that's he's both.

And now he works at the restaurant

We can't tell avery about.

- and the grand opening is tonight.

- now he's opening up a restaurant

The same night my line launches?

Oh, that is a bridge too far.

That's right.

I read world war ii history, MOTHER-[bleep].

Well, nobody's going to care about his restaurant

When there's a fashion show going on in the middle of it.

And a big surprise from my husband.

- eliza beth.

This is very, very easy for me

To say to you, but you can't come in here right now.

- wh--I just wanna drop off this

Little crinkly book that I got for virginia.

- I can't let you in.

After what happened betwixt you this morning?

No, virginia is not having you.

- what are you talking about?

I might bite these fat little legs.

They're so fat and juicy.

- rude.

- wh--it was a compliment.

That's a thing people say to babies.

- you never talk about a black woman's leg size.

Not on babies, not on the williams sisters,

Not on a mannequin at avenue.

We have come too far.

Now you know me, girl.

- I don't, really.

- I stay above these feuds.

Did I get involved when portia took

The over-the-counter colon health test in the bathroom

At randi's domestic violence costume ball?

I did, but I didn't want to.

- can I be honest?

I think I'm just anxious

For virginia to love me because I've been thinking

About motherhood lately.

I have a serious boyfriend right now and--

- lisa, d'fwan doesn't talk about people behind their backs,

So I'm just gonna tell you straight to your face

That what you're saying right now is very boring.

All I know is I'm gonna stay out

Of this fight between you and virginia.

That baby is a piece of work.

You know she should be able to stack blocks

In a tower by now, but she won't do it.

- I thought you didn't talk about people behind their backs.

Hi.

I'm mad!

Go away.

- rude.

- down. Down.

Boom, right there.

- god, these flower arrangements.

You people are savages!

Just excited.

Wait, you're putting spoons in those.

It's just knives and forks.

- why am I even doing this?

I still have to get the menus from the printer,

Go to the cony island beet market.

I've gotta pick up yakov smirnov at the airport.

That's enough foil, gus.

- jack, it's been a year that we prayed

For this... Restaurant opening,

And I should just feel excited and relieved, but--

- it's complicated.

When you open a restaurant with your mother in law.

- hey, everyone knows you're not talking about the restaurant.

You're talking about electricity.

[Both chuckle]

- thank you, gus.

- there's the gang!

Virginia.

It's aunt jenna.

Look.

I heard what liz said about you,

And I just have to say

That I have known liz a long, long, long time

And she's totally shady.

- oh, my god! You are hilarious.

Do you act?

Because we should do a movie together

Where we're on a road trip just being sluts.

High five.

- no, I don't care that the others went to

Pierre batalini salon without me.

It's not a feud, I just...

I've never spent much time with babies, okay?

And... What if I'm bad at it?

[Sobbing] this is good tv.

I would watch this.

I would feel for liz.

- isn't this usually a bathroom?

- no, tray, it's usually lutz's office.

- I see.

I think I just solved the mystery of the phantom pooper.

What's wrong, ll?

You look like angie when I tell her I wanna retire

And live in an old lighthouse.

- it's just d'fwan and everybody

Are saying that I'm in a fight with virginia,

Which is idiotic, because she's a baby.

- maybe it's just that children in general don't like you.

- thank you, tracy.

I am dealing with something real here,

But all anyone wants to do on these dumb shows

Is fight and scream and throw things.

- I wouldn't know. I really don't watch tv.

I'm more of a masturbator.

- well I'm about to get original on you, tracy.

There is no such thing as reality on reality television.

[Grunts]

[Microphone feedback]

- no.

Yes.

- welcome to rus.

This evening, we're serving all the pierogis costco had

And then burger king.

- that's a sharp look, kenneth.

- thank you, sir, but I can't take all the credit.

Everything I know about fashion, I learned

From my old college roommate, john mark karr.

- right this way.

- oh, for god's sake.

- you've got a lot of nerve coming here.

You know this is virginia's night.

You have no class,

You prostitution whore.

- what are you talking about?

- I'm hitching my wagon to virginia's star.

Trying to get a little camera tiempo.

- jenna, you've had cameras following you around all day.

You're a star now.

They want you on the show.

- they want me.

Which means I'm too good for this crap.

Like when I sang at that children's hospital.

Get away from me, I'm revoking my waiver.

Now blur my face.

Blur it more.

More.

Now disguise my voice.

[Distorted] thank you, gays.

- yes.

- excuse me, do you know where the indoor outhouse is?

- is my fashion show ruining jack's party?

- oh, don't worry.

Nobody's even noticing it.

There's so much other stuff going on.

And it's not just mr. Donaghy and this oriental matter.

There's the feud between ms. Lemon and baby virginia,

The drama between me and that cord I tripped on.

Hey, watch it.

I'm sorry, sir.

I shouldn't have lost my temper.

- my damn husband better show up.

- disaster.

Deandra "I didn't know I was pregnant"-ed.

- [sighs] who's gonna wear this now?

- ah, size 12, that's what I am.

Oh, I was my grandmother's favorite

So I got all her old hand-me-downs.

The waiters are ready to do dessert service.

We actually pulled this off.

We opened a restaurant.

More importantly, we got through this year without -

-anything to regret or apologize for.

Good job, partner.

Likewise.

[Record scratches, crowd gasps]]

[All applaud] - [giggles]

What a rush!

- you were horrible.

- that's the last dress.

Tracy didn't even do anything.

He didn't even show up.

I'm gonna kill that man.

- what's cocaine like?

- what was that? - damn, you two.

Avery's coming back from north korea.

Portia reads the papers.

I hate that that's my catchphrase.

- what was that?

That was nothing.

I mean jack's like that with everybody.

He's a kisser.

Right, jack?

- uh, of course.

Uh, it's european.

If you don't kiss someone, they're offended.

Very good, nice seeing you, lemon.

- jack, d'fwan hasn't said "hi" yet.

Honey, what was that? [Chuckles]

- okay, liz, I don't know what she's talking about.

But virginia said she knows what you just did for jack.

She misjudged you, and she would like a hug.

- [gasps]

The feud's over.

It's all good.

Now I'm just looking forward to this trip.

Because virginia loves her little giraffe so much,

The show is sending us on a girls' getaway to somalia!

Whoop whoop!

[Videogame gunfire]

- I hope you're at peace with your god, tracy jordan.

Because you are about to meet your maker.

- honey, you seem upset.

- I spent the last 20 years supporting you.

I had three of your children.

I gave you a kidney, a kneecap and a bladder.

But I ask you to do one thing and you can't do it.

All I wanted was a standing ovation and for people to tweet

That I was the new icon for black womanhood

And then for me to tweet "why just black womanhood?"

Instead, I got nothing.

I might as well be daphne.

- who?

- I'm daphne.

I handle conflict appropriately,

And I'm up to date on my mortgage payments.

- oh, no, I turned what was supposed to be

A boring romantic evening into a gigantic fight

In front of all these cameras.

- yes.

How inconsiderate of you to cause all this drama

And start this riveting fight.

- our celebrity marriage is on a breakup collapse.

We're a train wreck you cannot look away from!

- I can't stand the sight of you.

- my love tank is empty!

Yah!

Lizard egg!

- [shrieks]

I want a divorce or whatever.

- it will be contentious

And last all through next season.

Both: I'M CHEATING ON YOU!

- next week on queen of jordan...

- hey.

I was in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd pop up and say hello.

- for god sakes, d'fwan, I'm working.

Fine. Come here.

- you again?

I am so sorry. Different cord.

That's racist!

- you were two hours late, you stole all my hangers

And, yeah, I'm drunk.

I'm on vacation. [Gunfire in distance]