100 (Part 2)

- previously on 30 rock...

- if we don't get tracy back,

We're cancelled.

- I am a jedi!

- I should have gone with my gut and fired you

When we first met.

- I dragged you down?

Opposite!

- gas leak, huh?

[Scoffs] great. Damn it!

On my last day before retirement.

- what a day!

Miss lemon's gonna get mr. Jordan back.

We're gonna do the best show ever.

And out on the plaza,

A bird landed on my apple.

I thought he was gonna eat it, but he just sat there.

What's next?

A different bird landing on a different apple?

Oh, this is us, miss lemon.

Let's walk together like laverne and shirley.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I'll keep talking about the bird.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

[Cell phone vibrates]

- where are you, tray?

- I'm back, liz lemon. - tracy's back!

- yeah! - yes!

- I'm gonna need an obama cold open,

A fart doctor, and you know what?

Write up that bum's empire state building idea.

- fart doctor.

- no, I mean I'm back to where I was yesterday.

I can't get anyone mad at me.

I even called a women's basketball team

"Nappy-headed hos," but apparently,

I'm allowed to talk like that.

Why?

- tracy, come on.

- tracy jordan? Why isn't he here?

- [stammering]

- I just had a meeting with news down on four.

Brian williams sure gets close to you when he talks.

Very feminine energy.

Anyway, I thought I'd just swing by

And introduce myself to tracy jordan, but--

- ah! He is here.

You know, he just likes to learn his lines

In the bathroom and communicate by phone.

Actors, am I right?

- you know, I once had to speak to the screen actors guild.

Bunch of nutjobs.

But you couldn't make movies and tv without 'em.

[Laughs]

I'm just kidding!

I mean, look at march of the penguins.

Who was in that?

Good luck tonight.

You're gonna need it.

- tracy, you can do this.

You have to be at the show tonight.

- tracy who?

I don't even know who I am anymore.

- look, you think the world has turned its back on you?

I know a place where that's not true.

A place where you can remember the man you used to be.

A place where you can eat buffet ribs

While someone's daughter shakes her crack at you.

Tracy jordan, I am taking you to a strip club.

[Loud dance music and overlapping chatter]

Oh, excuse me, miss.

How much is a lap dance?

I'm a little light on cash,

But I have a paypal account.

- oh, my god. Tracy jordan?

- that's right. Party time.

- when I saw you in hard to watch...

- no, no, keep it light.

- you inspired me to contact

My biological father.

- no daddy stuff.

- I hadn't spoken to him in 13 years.

- maybe show him your butt. - [sobbing]

- there are tears falling on her boobies, liz lemon.

I know you've been molested.

That's how we all got here,

But I don't want to hear about it.

- I just wanted to let you know

That I'm going into the navy.

Because like you said in your movie,

"I invent my tomorrow."

- but I wasn't even supposed to say that.

The line was, "shereen, I hope dr. Mogutu has good news

About my endoscopy,"

But I couldn't get it right,

So they told me to improv.

- come on, guys.

I'm making it rain.

How about a little less self-respect

And a little more squatting?

- you see what you've done, liz lemon?

- tracy jordan is broken.

It's over.

- get off stage!

No whites!

- you wanted to see me, miss maroney?

Oh, my.

Candles, incense, disco music.

Someone's getting into the easter spirit.

- no, kenneth.

Do you remember that silly joke

About me having your baby?

[Laughter] - yes.

So crazy. - I know.

It's crazy...

Unless you're into it.

- what?

No, ma'am. That would be wrong.

We're not married.

And we're different religions.

- we can do whatever we want.

- miss maroney,

I'd do anything for you or mr. Jordan,

But this is wrong.

- but, kenneth, you might be my only chance.

- [gagging]

No!

- fine. I'll get you when you're sleeping.

It's not rape if neither party really wants it.

You're back.

- yeah, and this is my front.

Thanks for setting me up

With another classic quote.

- I borrowed your whale semen candle.

It didn't work, by the way.

- you can keep it.

I'm just packing up a few things,

And then I'm gone.

- wait. Where are you going?

- I'm quitting show business.

I can't stop the horrible respect

People have for me.

- tracy, you can't do that.

Look, I would never say this on the record.

- of course. This is all off the record.

- the show needs you, and I need you.

I'd rather do the show than have a baby.

- but you don't understand. - oh, I do understand.

Look at roman polanski.

- no, thank you.

- or elia kazan.

He told the government his friends were communists,

Then got a standing ovation at the oscars.

- that's crazy.

A man named "elia."

That's a giraffe's name.

- you know, when you think about it,

The only celebrities who completely undo their goodwill

Are the murderers.

John wilkes booth, phil spector,

Oj simpson, who texted me earlier today.

What should I write back?

- shoot someone, huh?

Nah. That's crazy, even for us.

- I guess it would take a pretty big gas leak

To make you think that was a good idea.

[Laughter]

- all right!

100th episode, 100 hours of comedy.

- minus the commercials.

- 20 hours of comedy.

- hey, dummy. - [gasps] DAMN IT.

- look, liz,

If this is gonna work out between you and me,

You should know my tarantula sleeps on my face.

- oh, my god.

My show is getting cancelled,

I'm never speaking to jack donaghy again,

And the worst thing that happened to me today

Is that you showed up.

- ah, 'cause you called me.

- when I was high on gas.

Do you not understand what that means?

- no, not really.

Gas has no effect on me at all.

When I was growing up, my school,

Gerry cooney elementary, it was right next

To a gas works in queens.

It ventilated into the cafeteria.

We got a big settlement from the city.

Our parents voted to spend it on a boat

That the families could share, but then that sank.

But you know what?

I'm still smart enough to know

That I'll never do better than you, liz lemon,

'Cause you're a cook in the bedroom

And a whore in the kitchen.

So I'm gonna give you one more shot

To admit to me that you keep bringing me back

Into your life for a reason.

- subhas, take out the trash.

- don't order me around, woman.

- no, I mean-- just--

Dennis, get out.

- you'll change your mind.

- [sighs]

Let's rock, duffy.

[Gas hissing]

- you again!

Wait. You're not sideways jack.

- I'm past jack, because I'm from the past

And I'm you.

- yeah, I get it. - do you?

'Cause it seems like

You don't get much of anything anymore, old man.

If you're my future, I'm gonna jump.

- stop him!

If he jumps,

We don't exist anymore.

- I'm perfectly aware of that.

I studied time dilation

And quantum teleportation in college.

- no, you didn't. You saw time cop.

- really? I never saw time cop.

- you will in 2007, and you'll love it.

Why are you talking like that?

- this is how everyone TALKED IN THE '80s.

This is how reagan talked.

- look, there's still time to fix this, jack.

You need to kick ass again,

Starting with getting rid of that woman.

- listen to him.

He's awesome, and you know he's right.

- fire lemon?

I don't know if I can do that.

- well, then, take this!

Oh, god!

That only hurt me.

Why did I think that would hurt you too?

- jack, be the man you were meant to be.

Me.

This tuxedo is made out of the puma

That I rode into my 50th birthday party.

- why are you both wearing tuxedos?

Both: IT'S AFTER 6:00. What are we, farmers?

- now go get rid of that woman.

- just want to check everything out

After your little gas scare.

Well, my pen light is working.

That's good.

Now, can you say the alphabet for me?

- well, a very, very heavy--

Uh, heavy, du-- bertation tonight.

We had a very dairse-- dareson by--

Let's go ahead and tersh-tayson

Letsgotobit anhaddapit.

- excellent.

My god, jenna.

Are you pregnant? How?

Did you go swimming in a public pool?

- no, I got in my head about having a baby,

And now I'm having a hysterical pregnancy.

- well, that's redundant.

All pregnancies are hysterical.

They're started by penises.

- this should be perfect.

I mean, all I want is the attention.

[Sobbing] so why am I not happy?

I mean, on some level, do I want to have a baby?

Do I want to be a mother?

Should I be a mother?

- bored!

- hey.

Greta johannsen, your animal wrangler.

I don't want to alarm my other wildlife,

But all the canaries for the coal mining sketch

Seem to have slipped off to meet garuda in the sky.

- my god, you're beautiful.

- ♪ If you say good-bye tonight ♪

♪ All I'll have will be my memories ♪

♪ So keep on reaching for the light ♪

♪ I now believe these are my memories ♪

♪ My memories

[Crash]

- mr. Jordan, I refuse to accept this is happening.

You leaving is as crazy to me as evolution,

Or a woman's right to choose her haircut.

- I'm sorry, ken, but maybe jenna was right.

The only way I could come back

Is if I shoot someone,

And that's crazy.

[Gas hissing] or is it?

Maybe it's a good idea.

- I don't know.

It has a nice, simple logic to it.

Why don't we take a deep breath

And then both say what we think we should do.

[Both inhale deeply]

You should shoot me... - I should shoot you...

Both: ON THE ROOF OF 30 ROCK!

[Laughter]

- I only ask one thing, sir.

Make it quick.

- I cannot promise you that, ken.

I'm a horrible shot.

- to the roof.

[Elevator bell rings]

- hey, dummy. - hey.

You ready to sign that lease?

You know how we were talking earlier

About me moving in with you and how hard it is

To kick a tenant out in new york?

Just think about it.

I'll make you chili every night.

I'll provide for you.

I have a new business idea.

It's like netflix, but you go to a store,

And you pick out your video from a limited selection.

- it'd be like five years ago. - exactly.

I can move my stuff in tonight, right?

I just have one duffel bag in a sidecar.

My motorcycle got impounded

From being parked too awesome.

I just need you to sign this lease I printed up

Off the internet.

- okay, I need a pen.

- you don't have a pen?

You're a writer, liz.

All I have is this kick-ass laser pointer

That I point at nerds' crotches in the park.

Oh, wait.

All we have is this kick-ass laser pointer.

- come on, baby. Let's go find a pen.

- okay.

- oh, no.

- let me introduce myself.

I am--

- future jack, obviously.

Is that what we're wearing in ten years?

- more like 35 years.

- you're 87 years old?

My god, I'm outstanding.

- I like to think so.

I've come all the way from the future--

Which is a lot harder than coming from the past--

- whatever, pops.

- to warn you not to listen to the other jacks.

In the future, you're happier than you ever imagined.

You have grandchildren and a gorgeous polyblasian wife.

That's a new race that emerges in 2030.

They're incredible.

- what happened to avery? - oh, you'll see.

It's hilarious.

- yeah, but what about his, your, our career?

Don't we wanna be this dude?

- YOUNGER MEs, BUSINESS is only a part of life.

Real happiness-- - ah, shut up.

Don't listen to his crap, jack.

If you choose my path, you'll be plenty happy.

You'll spearhead ge's development

Of the electric vagina.

You won't be married, but you'll have a house

With a lot of glass, and it's cold.

And you'll own the buffalo bills.

- you didn't say it was the bills.

- look, right now,

Liz lemon is downstairs about to sign a lease

With dennis duffy.

If she does that, you'll lose her.

In three years, they'll be married

And living in jacksonville, florida,

Where he operates an unlicensed alligator park.

- jacksonville?

Her hair can't handle that humidity.

No, I don't care. I'm tired of saving her.

- to quote liz lemon, "opposite!"

You'd be saving yourself.

The only way to get my life

Is to be distracted from your blind ambition,

And you can't do that

Without liz lemon in your life.

- jack, this guy is just trying to justify

His own bad choices.

Go down there and fire liz.

Okay.

We're obviously all thinking it,

So I'm just gonna say it.

We're gonna have sex with each other, right?

- yeah, yeah. - oh, my!

- lemon, don't sign that lease!

- why are you here? - just sign it, dummy.

It's a receipt for some lez pants

You bought or whatever. - no.

If you have a problem, I will fight you, dennis.

- that wouldn't be very fair.

I'm only trained to fight four or more men at a time.

- there are three more of me upstairs,

And I'd be happy to go get them.

- I can't. I hurt my wrist.

- hey, people.

Somebody sabotaged the gas line.

People could've died or had fights.

- what? Who would do that?

Hey, grab that black guy.

- it was you.

- what are you, mad at me, liz?

Huh? I did it for love.

- you're insane.

- hey, hey, hey, guys.

Hands off the jacket, all right?

It's from amar'e stoudemire's eveningwear collection.

- if I ever see you again, I'll kill you.

- please. You'll be back.

- all right, the gas is clearing out.

It should be okay in time for the show.

According to my device here.

Good work, jennifer.

- oh, my god, the show. I gotta load in an audience.

I gotta distribute scripts.

I gotta change jenna's blood. I need kenneth.

- forget about kenneth.

I told hank cooper that tracy jordan would be here.

Where is the star of your show?

- right here.

I know you're talking about tracy,

But I don't care.

- tracy and kenneth went to the roof

With a gun.

Why?

- because I gave tracy the idea

To kill the only man

Who would ever have a baby with me.

[Suspenseful music]

[Upbeat suspenseful music]

- nothing to see here, mr. Man.

- no, sir.

- hello, kabletown family members.

And my favorite actress, jenna.

When tgs gets cancelled, I mean if,

When tgs gets cancelled,

We need to talk about your future.

- I know what my future holds, hank.

Motherhood.

It's a surprise to me,

But I have so much love to give.

- well, why couldn't you be a mother

And do a daytime talk show?

- well, because the talk show will be my baby.

I'm not gonna be held back by some uterus turd.

Let's call my agent.

- oh, my god. Your stomach.

- for some reason,

I'm starting to rethink this, sir.

- we all have doubt, k-tel records.

But we made a decision.

And we'll look stupid if we don't follow through.

- okay.

Just please tell my mother-- [gun fires]

- my bad. That was an accident.

- tracy, stop!

- don't startle me when I'm holding a gun.

Use your head, liz lemon.

- for god's sakes, tracy, give me that gun!

Ugh!

Do you have any idea how much paperwork

I would have to do if you shot kenneth?

- I didn't know that, jack. I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to get people to stop respecting me.

- tracy, you want to destroy the goodwill you have

So you can go back to your easy tv job?

- yes, even more than I want to shoot kenneth.

- then all you have to do is go back

To your easy tv job.

- what? - do tv.

And no one will ever take you seriously again.

Doesn't matter how big a movie star you are,

Even if you have the kind of career

Where you walked away from a blockbuster franchise

Or worked with meryl streep or anthony hopkins,

Made important movies about things like civil rights

Or pearl harbor,

Stole films with supporting roles

And then turned around and blew them away on broadway.

None of that will matter once you do television.

You could win every award in sight

And be the biggest thing on the small screen,

And you'll still get laughed

Out of the vanity fair oscar party

By greg kinnear.

Tracy, your career hit rock bottom

The first time you decided to do tgs.

You want it to hit rock bottom again?

Go on network television.

- let's make some tv!

- yeah. - we have five minutes!

- whoa, whoa, uh-uh. Uh-uh, uh-uh.

I'm sorry, folks. While we were working

On the gas line, we somehow broke the elevator.

She's an old building.

You're gonna have to take the stairs.

[Gunshot ricochets] - I'm okay!

- least I made it through my last day.

Darn it.

- excuse me. The elevators are out.

Do you know how-- - shut up, garkle.

- well, if it isn't jack

And kenneth and tracy and liz.

Hey, I have a bone to pick with the four of you.

- screw, williams!

- hey, get out of my home!

- sorry, recurring hobos.

[Laid-back jazz]

♪

- I'm back, everybody.

You're welcome...

[Panting] for the adventure...

My absence...

Whew...

Provided.

- 30 seconds.

- liz, I was checking the cue cards,

And we have a problem.

It all seemed so funny when they were writing it.

- during dennis' gas leak.

- yes, this'll work. Just flip the top of act two.

Danny can't make the wardrobe change that quick.

- best show ever! Yeah!

[Laughter]

- guys, I don't know about this.

- oh, my god. We don't have a show.

- ten seconds. - just start.

I should call dennis.

[Uproarious laughter]

- let's meet our contestants.

Dr. Steven poop is a homemaker and a centaur.

- you did it.

You're picked up for a million more episodes.

Where am I?

Am I back in vietnam?

- what charity are you playing for?

- the grimace foundation, jeremy.

Keeping milkshakes purple for over a million years.

- hold on. Tracy's back on tv again?

Clooney, hanks.

Actor emergency.

Tracy jordan's doing tv again.

I know, disappointing.

Take him off the official a-list.

Well, I don't have the password.

Pitt's our webmaster.

Well, then, wake him up.

Oh, they're doing pam again? Ugh.

♪ I don't care what you say anymore ♪

♪ This is my life

♪ Go ahead with your own life ♪

♪ Leave me alone

- this may be the gas talking,

But I was wrong about dennis.

You're the guy who never left.

- and this is definitely the gas talking,

But I'd be a lot worse off

If I'd never met you, lemon,

And I'm proud to have you as a mentee.

I mean, look at you.

Endangering the lives of hundreds of people

For a show that tv guide once called

"Still on."

- I framed that article.

- to 100 more episodes.

- wow, five years. It makes you think

About all the fun we've had together.

- but you know the single most amazing thing

That's happened over the last five years?

[Percussive music]

- that is true, sir.

But today does make me wonder where we'll all be

Five years from now.

[Whimsical music]

♪

[Musical swell]