Christmas Attack Zone

- merry christmas eve eve, jack.

- likewise, lemon. Is there any chance

You'll still be around tomorrow? - sure.

You want to go to the penn station kmart with me

And then watch tootsie?

- I'm sorry. That's what you're doing

Instead of spending christmas eve with your family?

- it's my new thing-- travel on christmas day.

That way, I avoid the annual lemon family blowup.

And this year it's gonna be a doozy.

My aunt linda is bringing her new boyfriend,

Who is neither her age nor her race.

And her ex-husband will also be there

With his date, alcoholism.

I swoop in the next day for presents and pie.

- well, if you're around, come by for dinner.

Colleen will be up from florida,

And, um, she'd love to see you.

- because my youthful energy makes her feel young?

- no, because she views you as a peer

She can complain with about how no one

Wears pantyhose any longer.

- ah, how are we supposed to conceal our spider veins?

Bare-legged at christmas.

Okay, guys, this kabletown promo is the last thing we have to do

Before the holiday break.

- liz lemon, I cannot participate in this promo.

- why?

- because it's not honest.

As an actor,

It is my job to tell the truth,

Hold the mirror to humanity,

And sell proactiv.

I will not spout your lies, liz lemon.

And I will not say merry christmas from kabletown.

- ever since tracy got nominated for a golden globe,

He thinks he's sean penn.

- well, they have both had screaming fights

With wyclef jean.

We'll just do this without him. Merry christmas, jenna.

You can say both lines.

- [crying] merry christmas from kabletown

And all of us at tgs.

I think we got it.

[Sobbing]

- wait, are--are you okay?

"Tom ford and elton john invite you to new queer's eve."

What is this?

- nqe is the new year's party.

Everyone dresses up as a cultural figure

From the past year.

Also replicas of the david urinate vodka.

- oh, god.

- paul and I were gonna come up

With an amazing couple's costume.

But now that he's gone, what's the point?

This party means so much to me.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without it.

- the party or paul?

- the party, liz.

- good news.

We don't have to do these promos after all.

Nbc says they want them from every show but us.

- good year, everyone.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

- [sighs]

- what christmas card did we end up sending out?

- oh...

"Happy holidays

Is what terrorists say."

Merry christmas, avery and jack.

[Knock at door]

Oh, it's just liz.

- why do people always say that?

- avery is keeping her pregnancy a secret at work,

So she's been carrying around large objects

Whenever she's in the building.

- I was wondering what was up with your show last night.

- the market rallying today

Despite a pullback in gold stocks.

- anyway, I was gonna bring dessert tomorrow.

So are there any foods that are making you nauseous lately?

Please don't say a half sleeve of oreos.

- oh, I'm not gonna be there.

I'm leaving tonight to spend christmas with my family.

- really?

- that's why I like dating older men.

Their parents are usually dead or senile,

So there's never an argument about the holidays.

- why aren't you and colleen going with her?

- oh, you know, uh, colleen is frail,

And avery is in her third trimester.

- [gasps] you haven't told colleen

About the baby yet. - what?

- I have been watching the mentalist a lot lately,

Because my tv's on cbs, and I lost my remote.

I think I've become a body-language expert.

For instance, I can now tell

That jack wants to kill the person to his right.

- why haven't you told her?

- I just haven't found the right time.

- [shrilly] THAT IS NO EXCUSE! - [shrilly] THIS IS SO BAD!

- I cannot have the two of you on the same side of an argument.

We donaghys believe that, when there's something

At all delicate to talk about,

It is best to suppress it

Until it erupts into a fistfight at a church barbecue.

- I understand all that, jack.

The symbol on the jessup family crest

Is a knight refusing to talk about his feelings,

But this baby is not bad news.

- you don't know colleen. We're not married, avery.

- why should that matter? I mean, she did the same thing.

I mean, what did colleen say when you told her

You knew about your real dad?

[Gasps] YOU NEVER TOLD HER about milton either.

I am "the mentaliz."

You have so many secrets! - that was over a year ago!

- how do you not get hives? - how could you not tell her?

- for the love of god.

- sir, this came for you.

- thanks, k-l-m-n-o-p.

I've been waiting for this.

- oh, I didn't know you made

Another chunks movie, mr. Jordan.

That first one was a classic.

- dearly beloved, we are gathered here

To celebrate the life of althea chunk.

[Farts] damn, that's funky.

- obesity is killing the african-american community...

With laughter.

- yeah, well, this sequel is never coming out.

I bought the rights, so this movie won't be released.

- why wouldn't you want people to see your movie?

It looks so funny.

- that's the problem, ken.

It's 67 minutes of me acting like a hilarious fool.

If this movie comes out before the golden globes,

It'll ruin my new image.

- mr. Jordan, I thought you loved acting like a fool.

- no, I don't.

I'm lying.

My favorite thing in the world is making people laugh.

But I can't now.

I had to go on charlie rose, kenneth,

Charlie rose!

- oh, that's horrible. - I have no choice!

I got to stay serious.

From now on, the only movies tracy jordan makes

Are about the holocaust, georgia o'keeffe, or both.

- I didn't care much for the gazpacho soup.

I mean, where's the fun of sending it back

Because it isn't hot?

- mother.

- yes.

- avery and I are having a baby.

- I see.

- may I remind you this is good news.

- this is a disgrace!

What are my chums at the death shore retirement community

Gonna say...

When I tell them that my unmarried son

Has knocked up a protestant?

- oh, I knew you would do this--

Take a happy moment and ruin it,

Just like you did when I won that scholarship

At my high-school graduation.

- it should have gone to the other boy!

- this is the reason I waited seven months to tell you.

- you kept this from your own mother?

- oh, oh, colleen, don't talk to me about secrets.

I know some things you've done that you would not want me

To bring up right now.

- most people thought I was a hero

For killing lydia's parrot.

I'm going upstairs now

And think about more comments

For tomorrow.

This isn't over!

[Line ringing]

- jack.

Guess what. They just got caller I. D. In vermont.

- milton, I hope you don't have plans for tomorrow.

I'm having a little christmas dinner,

And I want you to be my guest of honor.

- well, it is a little sudden,

But, yes, I'd love to come to your holiday dinner.

- christmas. It's christmas dinner.

[Holiday music]

- hey, rick, can you cover section three for me?

I'm in the weeds. Oh, liz.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a transvestite.

- paul, I need to talk to you about jenna.

- oh. How is she?

- honestly, I don't think I've seen her this upset

Since hurricane katrina.

The coverage preempted a tampon commercial she was in.

- oh. - and she keeps trying

To pretend it's just about some new year's party,

But I think she misses you.

- look, I-I miss her too, but it's over between us now.

I-I don't even think about jenna anymore.

I don't think about kissing her or laughing with her

Or photographing her with just salamanders

Covering her nipples.

When it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.

- you can't be on the floor

Without your roller skates, rick.

- I'm not rick.

Merry christmas, jack.

Sorry. I finished the oreos in the cab.

- I'm glad you could make it, lemon.

Welcome to my christmas attack zone.

- your what? What does that mean?

- professor milton greene

Is on his way here from penn station.

- milton, your father, is coming here?

Please tell me that colleen--

- has no idea.

The father that she hid from me for 50 years,

The man that she doesn't even know

I know exists, is joining us for supper.

Uh, red or white?

- white. Jack, what are you doing?

You promised me a drama-free dinner.

I could be sitting at the corner table

At the kmart cafe right now.

[Doorbell buzzes] - oh, that must be dad.

- wait, does milton know that colleen is here?

- no. I want it all to be fresh.

Will he erupt with anger over her years of secrecy?

Who knows? Milton's a hippie pacifist.

But I once saw colleen provoke a buddhist monk

Into whipping a battery at her.

- my boy.

Oh, jack, this is going to be

The best winter's eve light festival ever.

Liz!

And a happy whatever you believe in too.

- no. I am not letting this happen.

Milton, jack has an ulterior motive for bringing you here.

- yes. It's true.

You're going to be a grandfather.

- oh, what a blessing! Oh, life is beautiful.

"Joy, beautiful spark of the gods,

Daughter of elysium."

And, liz, you're already showing.

- no, it's not me, and that is not what he has to tell you.

Colleen is here,

And jack is using you to ambush her.

- why would you do that? - I'll tell you why--

Because when my mother found out about your granddaughter...

- it's a girl! She'll be intuitive.

- colleen did not see it as a blessing.

She saw it as an embarrassment,

Because my girlfriend avery and I are not married.

- an embarrassment? She has no right to judge you.

She needs to read my new book,

There's no wrong way to make a family.

That's for you.

- I agree with you, milton, but colleen disapproves.

- well, that's awfully hypocritical for a woman

Who kept her son a secret

From his own father.

I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind tonight.

- oh, great, avery's here, and she looks mad.

- jack, I got your message.

How dare colleen disapprove of me,

Of us? - oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for my message to make you angry

And have you come all the way back here.

Now there are three people here that are mad at colleen.

- wait, this is avery?

How could that woman not adore

Such a beautiful daughter-in-law?

- oh. - by the way, we have

A tradition in my family

Where we let the child name itself.

- oh, yeah, that's hippie nonsense.

- absolutely not.

- well, suit yourself, but my son spider-man

Turned out just fine.

- okay, this is disgusting.

It is christmas. You are not going to ambush

An old woman for the mistakes that she has made.

I mean, who hasn't made mistakes?

I once french-kissed a dog at a party

To try to impress what turned out to be

A very tall 12-year-old.

- lemon, we all know what mistakes are.

- I'm going to tell colleen what's happening

While you all calm down.

Where's her room?

- [whispering] DON'T WORRY. I sent her to the east wing.

It's very confusing. It was designed by m. C. Escher.

- these stairs are weird.

- mother.

Dinner is ready.

- what are you doing here, sir?

I wasn't setting this up because I'm spending christmas at work.

I certainly wasn't going to pretend those trash cans

Were my parents.

- I'm here picking up a serious outfit

From wardrobe for my event later.

- all the big actors do charity work on christmas eve.

Russell crowe is having an auction

To benefit the victims of his own mood swings.

- so what are you doing, sir?

- screening my very sad movie hard to watch

At a women's shelter.

It's gonna be real depressing.

- I hate seeing you like this, sir.

And you ruined ludachristmas.

- in the darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones.

Next slide.

What else can I do, kenneth?

People only take you seriously if you're serious.

- but comedy is just as important as drama.

People need to laugh,

Especially in these tough times.

And after all, isn't laughter the best medicine?

Except for insulin, spironolactone, and bupropion,

Which I have for you whenever you're ready, sir.

- mother, you look lovely. - I see you brought the bag

That my bastard grandchild will come in.

- merry christmas, mrs. Donaghy.

My gift to you is the feeling of superiority you'll have

For the next two seconds. - is she drunk, jack?

Because, you know, when you're pregnant,

One bottle of wine a day, and that's it.

- mother, you must remember milton greene,

My father and your shameful sex secret.

- why would you bring him here?

Oh, I see.

Trying to make me look like the bad guy, is that it?

- you are the bad guy.

You kept me from my son for 50 years.

- you didn't miss much.

- he's a good boy. He got me a kidney...

From elvis costello.

All that time lost because of you and your pride.

And think of what I've lost.

Going on father-and-son habitat for humanity builds

And road trips in my v. W. Van.

- yeah, or other things.

- and then you dare to judge us and our life decisions?

Who do you think you are?

- god, this house is enormous.

Oh, hi, colleen. I tried to stop this.

- well, mother, what do you have to say for yourself?

It's speechless.

Merry christmas. Merry christmas one and all.

- [gasps]

[Cell phone vibrating]

- jenna, this dinner is a disaster.

- my life is ruined.

I just came up with the perfect couple's costume

For new queer's eve,

And I can't use it because of stupid paul.

- you know what?

The reason I'm not with my family right now

Is because I didn't want any drama,

And that's all I'm getting,

First from these "jagwagons" and now you.

Paul is the reason you're upset.

It's not about this party. - it's about the party.

I want to eat shrimp off an old gay

Dressed as baby new year.

- ugh. [Cell phone beeps]

Hi, colleen.

- hmm. - are you all right?

- just thinking about my next move.

- no, no. What next move?

- this thing hasn't even started.

Welcome to my christmas attack zone.

- ladies of the battered women's shelter,

Please be quiet, a man is talking.

You're about to watch a film that holds a mirror

Up to your own terrible lives.

You're gonna see poverty, drug abuse,

And a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.

- comedy is just as important... 'Portant...'Portant...

Laughter is the best medicine... Medicine... Medicine...

- damn it. I can't get kenneth out of my head.

- actually, he's behind you, tray.

He rode over here with us.

You talked to him the whole ride.

- well, he's right.

People do need to laugh, and I'm the medicine.

- what are you doing?

- something I should have done a long time ago.

- a long time ago? You just got here.

- shut up, dotcom.

Ladies and children,

I give you the chunks 2: a very chunky christmas.

[Applause] lights.

Damn christmas lights blew a...

Aah! [Grunting]

[Laughter]

- well, this has turned out to be

The opposite of what I wanted,

And I'm gonna leave before anything else happens.

So... - oh, my god.

- my arm is numb.

- what are you doing now, mother?

- I think the stress...

- don't go to her.

- do you have shortness of breath?

Are you sweating? Do you have a neck or jaw pain?

I had a couple of rich men die on top of me.

- it's like something-- like my son

Sitting on my chest.

- we should call an ambulance.

- we are not calling anyone.

- what's the matter with you? Your mother's not well.

- can't you see that she's faking, milton?

There. Did anybody see that?

- [gasps]

- we have to call an ambulance.

Listen to me, damn it. I'm a doctor.

- of history.

In what emergency would you be necessary--

If someone wanted to know

WHETHER THE '60s were awesome or not?

- they were. - you hang in there.

You need to meet our daughter, little colleen.

- seems like people are

Back on my side, jackie.

- paul, my ex-lover.

- listen, I-I'm not here because I want to get back together.

- good. Me neither.

Can I get you a cup of coffee

Or an absinthe enema?

- no, thank you. I can't stay.

I just wanted to let you know

That I had an amazing idea for a couple's costume.

- well, so did I.

What's yours?

- well, maybe we should just say them at the same time

And see what happens.

- you dress as natalie portman - I dress as natalie portman

Both: from the movie black swan,

- and you dress - and I dress

Both: as former pittsburgh steelers

Wide receiver and pennsylvania gubernatorial nominee

Lynn swann.

We're two black swans.

- well, it is a druid solstice miracle

That it wasn't a heart attack.

- yes, I do believe a heart is required.

- that is enough, jack.

What happened tonight was so scary,

And the reason that it happened

Is that we were not being honest with each other.

So from now on, no more secrets.

- okay. I'll go first.

I have a crush on the mentalist.

- just family only, lemon, damn it.

- there is one more secret

Jack and I have been keeping from all of you.

We were planning to elope in the caribbean

Over new year's, but now we want you all to come.

- oh! How wonderful.

- you know what I learned tonight?

As hard as you try,

No one can escape the horror of christmas,

So it might as well be with your own family.

I'm gonna go get a bus to white haven now,

And I should be home just in time

For aunt linda to try to prove that she's sober

By holding someone's baby while cooking.

- listen, jackie, everything I've ever done

In life has been to protect you.

- I know.

- and if I got upset earlier,

It's because I want your life to be perfect...

Unlike mine.

- don't let him off the hook, colleen.

What he did tonight was wrong, and he owes you an apology.

- he's right. I almost died.

And using your father like that is so disrespectful.

He's a doctor, for god sakes.

- your mother and I are very disappointed in you, jack.

- what are you smiling at, you fruitcake?

- just my mom and dad yelling at me together.

Milton, the clinton boom years

Were just an after-effect of reaganomics,

And, mother, you cannot invite anyone

To the wedding. - what happened

To the heart attack? - let me tell you something.

[Overlapping shouting]

You insult your own intelligence.

- I'll invite anybody I want to this wedding,

To this wedding or any other wedding.

- ♪ It is the night

- [mouths words]

- ♪ Of our dear savior's birth

- you are a war criminal. I hate to say it.

Both: ♪ Long lay the world

♪ In sin and darkness pining ♪

♪ Till he appeared

♪ And the soul felt his worth

♪ A thrill of hope

♪ The weary world rejoices

♪ For yonder breaks

♪ A new and glorious morn

♪ Fall

♪ On your knees

♪ Oh, hear

♪ The angel voices

♪ Oh, night

♪ Divine

♪ Oh, night

♪ When christ was born

♪ Oh, night

♪ Divine

♪ Oh, night

♪ When christ was born

- ♪ Oh, holy night

♪ The stars

♪ Are brightly shining

♪ It is the night

♪ Of the dear savior's birth

And I hope everybody,

Everybody have a merry christmas.

And somebody needs to clean this table up.

It's disgusting.

Fred, wake up!

- merry christmas from the chunks.