Episode 210

Mr. Donaghy will be a moment.

He's finishing up with the Germans.

The Germans?

Huh. Weird that he didn't tell either of you.

We're trying to buy the largest cable network

In Northern Europe.

And if we do do that, it'll be huge.

What about your huge doo-doo?

Sir, your 11:00 is here.

Excellent. Lemon, come on in.

Oh, no. See your girlfriend first.

Liz, please.

Jack and I have to have boundaries.

I make appointments here in New York.

And I work around C. C.'S schedule in Washington.

Mr. Donaghy, what are we doing this evening?

There is an 8:00 showing of "Fred Claus."

Okay. Well, you were gonna help me go over my finances.

So, I have a checking account.

I am two payments away from owning my bike.

Also, I have a star that my aunt named after me.

Although that was recently downgraded to a gas giant.

I booked Gladys Knight onto the show.

She's C. C.'S favorite singer.

Um, okay.

And now she's my favorite singer.

Love, Lemon.

Wanting someone to actually be a part of your life,

I've never had that before.

Buy real estate. That's the best investment there is.

Real estate? No. That's something you do

When you're married and you have a family.

Sure. Wait for that.

Your first home will be in the floating city of New Chicago.

Sir, your 11:10 is here.

C. C., I'm terribly sorry. That last meeting took forever.

Okay, everybody. Listen up.

This cappuccino machine is my way of saying sorry

For what happened the other day.

Tracy, your father is here.

My father?

Aah!

Okay. That may have been a dream.

Anyway, enjoy.

Oh.

Okay.

Studio 6H. This is Ken...

Look at those floors.

I would walk all around inside of that.

Hey! What's up?

Are you looking at porn?

I know a good site that's dirty without sacrificing story.

It's by women for women.

No. I'm looking at real estate.

Jack got it into my head that I should buy something.

You don't own any property?

No. Do you?

I own my place here, my condo in Clearwater,

And I bought some land in the Ninth Ward after Katrina.

I'm leasing it back to the government as a prison.

Ka-ching.

I got to get my act together.

Even Frank owns that chicken ranch in Nevada.

He thought he was buying a whorehouse.

Look, if you're serious, I do have a lead.

My business manager says he needs cash fast,

So he's selling his apartment.

It's gorgeous.

Okay. I'll check it out.

You're going to love it.

Oh, if you're interested,

A. J.'S also selling a speed boat and a truck full of cigarettes.

The machine is mankind's madness and disfigurement.

Industry castrates art.

The only honesty is in suicide.

I can't watch any more of these German sitcoms.

Try a game show.

Hello?

I got your message. I really can't come up tonight.

I got a mountain of work to do.

But the president is only going to veto

Your crazy social programs.

The founding fathers never intended for the poor

To live into their 40s.

Jack.

I know it's my turn, but I'm swamped

With this DeutscheTeleWelt stuff.

If this is gonna work, we got to meet each other halfway.

Lemon, you speak German, right?

I do. I spent my junior year abroad in Frankfurt.

I partied so hard over there, it was crazy.

Well, I have to delegate some important work to you.

As part of the due diligence for the DTW deal,

I need you to watch these German television shows

And tell me what you think.

Thank you.

C. C. And I are trying to meet halfway,

Which means balancing work and love and life.

I honestly don't know how Kelly Ripa does it.

Look at us.

You and C. C. Are meeting halfway.

I'm going to see an apartment later.

And the community center is going to stage my play!

I have a thing that night.

Mr. Jordan, I cannot work with that machine at my desk.

But you can have coffee anytime you want.

I don't drink coffee, sir.

I don't drink hot liquids of any kind.

That's the Devil's temperature.

Ken, this is New York, the Big Easy.

Live a little!

Boundaries are made to be tested.

That's why my wife and I stopped using a "safe word."

But I don't want to do anything I'll regret.

Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags.

Oh, my.

How was the apartment?

It was incredible.

River views. New kitchens. Party perfect.

The Windmere.

An oasis from the vile obscenity

Of the human condition.

I made an offer, and they accepted.

What?

I know. It's crazy. I guess I have to get a loan?

Call A. J. But ask for Mike.

I can't believe you bought an apartment.

Well, not yet.

I still have to get approved by the co-op board.

Ugh, I'm all nervous.

I have to dress up and smile and try to get them to like me.

It's gonna be like going on a blind date.

No, it's so much better.

'Cause an apartment never waits till you get in the shower

Then steals the necklace your mother gave you.

The Windmere. If you lived here, you'd be home now!

Hey, slow down there, Ken.

Coffee's not like alcohol. It's pretty addictive.

I love how it makes me feel.

It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain.

You know what we've never done, Grizz?

Fight each other!

Whoa! Easy, Ken.

You guys are my best friends!

Jack, what the hell is this?

Why are we meeting here?

You said you wanted me to meet you halfway,

And this betting parlor in the Pennsylvania coal-mining country

Is exactly half the distance between my office and yours.

It's our special place.

Well, technically, that corner is exactly halfway,

But I'm not going over there.

All my life, work came first.

I missed so many weddings, funerals, karate demonstrations.

Birthdays, Lilith Fairs.

But not anymore.

You're my new night job.

And I'm gonna love you like my boss is watching.

Say, what do you think they do for fun around here?

Smack around nosy out-of-towners.

Also, we have a lovely doll museum.

WOMAN ON P. A: Gladys Knight to the stage, please.

Hey, Kenneth, I need to watch these DVDs,

But I have a very important meeting.

That's great!

I've heard you speaking German to some of your tours.

Yes, sir.

If you're not reading the Bible in German,

You're not getting the real versteckte bedeutung of it.

Okay, well, this is very important. You are!

I need you to watch these shows and write a summary of each one.

It's for Mr. Donaghy. It has to be done by tomorrow.

I am delegating it to you, okay?

Your last name is weird.

Are you okay?

Who wants coffee?!

Let's do it. Let's move here.

We'll get a little cabin in the woods.

I'll plant heirloom tomatoes.

We'll ride our bikes into town.

I'll grow a beard.

People from my old life will pass through town,

And they won't even recognize me.

They'll just say, "Thanks, Pap,"

And then they'll buy some of my cider.

Ah, the real world calling.

Oh, my God!

I'm in love!

God, I wish this town

Weren't halfway between D.C. And New York.

And I don't know why I lied to you guys

About having read that book.

I'm just nervous. Aah!

Anyway, I didn't read "The Lovely Bones."

This is empty.

So, we have so much in common.

Um...

We're all white.

Funny story.

I was on a plane once with Brett Favre's cousin.

It says here that you still have an outstanding student loan?

Yes, it is outstanding.

No. I can explain that.

The theater program at my school lost its accreditation,

So I thought I didn't have to pay for it anymore.

Look, I didn't think I was ready for this, but I am.

There's this connection that I feel to the apartment.

And I am a great neighbor.

Just ask anyone in my building.

Except Raheem.

I turned him in to Homeland Security by accident.

I love your building!

There, I said it.

Love!

There's something coming out of your nose.

You missed Gladys Knight's sound check.

Did you know they replace the Pips every five years

Just like Menudo?

Oh, hey, how did the meeting with the co-op board go?

Good. Bad. Really bad. But good.

They said they were gonna let me know. Should I call them?

No! You have to wait for them to call you.

Yes, I'm going to play it cool. That's what homeowners do.

Act like adults. Playing it cool.

The Germans are here!

I am going through something right now!

They're a day early. Jack went to see C. C.

And he hasn't come back yet and he's not answering his phone.

What? He's not?

This deal has to go through.

Then Jack will be CEO,

And I will be king of the assistants!

Please put on some decent clothes and go talk to them.

You're the only one who's seen all of their shows.

Where's Kenneth?

I think they're gonna walk.

Super!

What happened?

I just bought a German television studio.

That's what I call a country breakfast.

I've never been to a place

Where they kill the pig in front of you.

It's so quaint.

It's strange we didn't get any ham.

Morning shift change at the mine.

Oh, boy. We better get back to work, too.

God, I haven't thought about work once this whole time.

I know. It's weird.

Good weird or last-night weird?

Good weird. I'll see you tomorrow.

Love. A urine mirage in a desert of fear.

What's happening? Where are they taking her?

I'm getting rid of the machine, Ken, for your own good.

No! No, please don't do that.

Come on. I'll make you feel good.

Get a grip. Look at yourself.

What's happened to me?

You rode the brown serpent.

But the important thing is you survived, Ken.

No. I made two promises to my mother

Before I left for New York.

One, if I found any Mackenzies living up here,

I would kill them.

And two, I would not let this city change me.

So you had a little bender.

It's not just the coffee. I also went to a PG-13 movie.

I bought a pair of sunglasses.

I tried a Jewish doughnut.

I'd always been told

That New York was the 21st-century city of Sodom.

And look what's happened. I've become one of them.

I've been Sodomized.

Hey, it's Liz Lemon.

This message is for the co-op board, I guess.

This is the number you gave me.

I hope it's not fake.

'Cause you accepted my bid and I haven't heard from you,

But I'm doing great.

I bought a German television studio today.

Does everyone know that you're liars

Or should I tell them myself?

Because I know a lot of people!

You know what? I'm fine.

Because I know who I am.

You. I feel sorry for you, co-op board.

I am going to the hospital, and I hope you're happy!

I'm just confused.

It seems weird to me

That you would still be advertising the apartment

After you accepted my offer.

And I'm here?

To remind you?

You know what? I've moved on.

I bought a whole bunch of apartments.

I bought a black apartment.

So...

Yes, sir, but I think if you...

Lemon, how do you say "buy" and "sell" in German?

Verkaufen and kaufen.

So close.

Other way around.

Yeah. I always got confused by that.

Blurgh!

Yes. Blurgh.

But it's a misunderstanding.

I'll just tell Don Geiss I let a subordinate

With an unaccredited theater-tech degree

Do a billion-dollar handshake deal

While my girlfriend and I showered together

At a Red Roof Inn.

Oh, boy. I'm sorry.

No, Lemon, it's my fault. I lied to you.

About what?

All this time I've been telling you that we can have it all.

Success and happiness.

The big office and true love.

Wait, we can't? No.

Because they both require everything of you.

You have to choose.

So, which are you gonna choose?

Excuse me, could you turn off the race announcer

And put on some Gladys Knight?

And what is the champagne situation here?

Okay, thank you.

What are you still doing in Washington?

I can't come to Hockassin, Jack.

I'm afraid if I see you, I'll change my mind.

Change your mind about what?

When I was with you the other day,

I missed the vote

On a bill to legalize recreational whale torture.

We only have one speed, Jack.

That's what I love about us.

The drive. The ambition.

Our belief that sex is a competition.

It's what we have in common.

And it's why it's impossible to pull this off.

No, no. You're wrong. It is possible.

I know we can't do all of this at full speed.

We have to choose.

And I choose you.

Oh, Jack.

Oh, come on.

Get in that ridiculous electric car of yours

And get up here.

Look, we are both at a place in our lives right now

Where we can't...

And that's not all that matters.

When I was a kid, I was raised in a pretty religious household

And I remember...

I think it goes back to my mother's mother.

She was in a loveless marriage for 40 years

Before she realized she didn't want children.

Yes, sir?

I agree.

If we look at the larger trend...

I'll have it for you first thing in the morning.

Thank you.

... Children. So, do you agree or not?

Oh, boy.

Uh, when you think about it,

There's really no answer.

Did you take another call while I was talking?

Yes, but never forgetting that you were on the other line.

For whatever it's worth, C. C., I do love you.

Me too. But we can't do this.

Maybe in another life, we'll get it right.

Sure. In another life.

Thanks, pal.

Mr. Jordan, I just wanted to thank you

For everything that you've done for me.

It's been an honor being your friend

And learning about the non-reproductive aspects

Of human sexuality from you.

But this is goodbye.

I let my mama down, and I'm going back to Georgia.

What? No, you can't leave, Ken.

Who's going to help me tell white people apart?

And what about our tickets to "Spamalot"?

Who will be my wingman at speed-dating?

Oh, Grizz. I'll miss you most of all.

New York, mm?

Proved too much for the man?

Too much for the man?

He couldn't make it?

So he's leaving the life?

He's come to know?

He's leaving?

Leaving?

On that midnight train to Georgia?

Leaving on a midnight train?

Wow, wow?

Liz.

The board.

Hi.

You look good.

Thank you. So do you.

Liz, this is Charlotte.

She's buying the apartment.

Congratulations.

If you blow out the kitchen wall,

You could make a very nice breakfast nook.

Yes, he's leaving?

Yes, he's leaving?

On that midnight train to Georgia?

Leaving on a midnight train?

Yeah, yeah?

And you shouldn't torture whales.

I'm sorry about C. C.

Thanks, Lemon.

Want to get drunk?

No. There's too many phones in here.

You should have gone for it, you know.

You made the same choice that C. C. And I did.

You chose your career over Floyd.

My world, her world?

His world, our world?

Mine and hers alone? Mine and his alone?

I've got to go, I've got to go?

On that midnight train?

All aboard?

All aboard?

All aboard on that midnight train?

I missed it?

He missed it?

I missed that midnight train to Georgia?

He missed that midnight train?

Whoo-whoo?

There's an 11:45?

And I was misinformed about the time?

Misinformed about the time?

Didn't even get to stand in line?

Yeah, I missed it?

He missed the midnight train?

To Georgia?

Hello! I'm trying to take a nap!

What's going on out here?

Nothing, Gladys Knight.

Sorry.

Sorry, everyone.