Somebody to Love

Are you makin' waffles?

No, quiet.

Somebody is,

And the maple syrup smells delicious.

[Woman on TV] jack russell terrier?

[Second woman] no, I can't get a dog.

[Woman] you should.

A dog'll change your life.

Hey, I just wanted to make sure

You're practicing your rerun dance

For the what's happening sketch.

I'm trying, liz lemon,

But I can't concentrate.

Somebody on my block is making waffles,

And it's makin' me horny!

Wait, you smell maple syrup too?

You live all the way in jersey.

THAT'S WEIRD. [Beep] hold on.

[Beep]

Hello? Do you smell maple syrup?

Yes!

Don't panic, lemon.

It's probably not a chemical attack.

What do you mean "probably"?

It's probably just a strange wind pattern

Coming off those factories in staten island,

Where food flavors are made.

I don't think it's northrax.

What's northrax?

It's a chemical agent we sold to the saudis

In the 1980s.

It smells exactly like maple syrup.

But I don't think this is it.

Well, how do you know?

Because northrax kills you within ten seconds.

Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪

Make me look like this.

Right, like that's a stretch.

Hey, jack, thanks for that call last night.

I get really nut burgers

Over this homeland security stuff.

Always check with me first, lemon.

I have nsa connections.

Good. Didn't you just get a haircut two days ago?

I get my haircut every two days.

After all, your hair is your head suit.

I'm going to a party tonight honoring robert novak.

It's being thrown by john mccain and john bauer.

Um, I don't think he's real.

Oh, I assure you, lemon, john mccain is very real.

I have to look perfect.

When it comes to hair,

No one is more bitchy than conservative males.

Good lord, donaghy.

Did you comb your hair with a chicken bone?

[Laughter]

They can be brutal.

Well, have fun.

Don't get peer pressured into invading iran.

Oh, uh, before you go,

I'd like you to put this on.

Sheinhardt wig company? What's this?

A way to show support for our parent company,

Which is having a little p. R. Hiccup right now.

All right. Thanks.

Picked up your tuxedo from the cleaners, mr. Donaghy.

Just like you asked.

Thank you, kenneth.

Let me just take this plastic off.

'Cause I saw on martha stewart

How we're all doing everything wrong.

Where are the pants?

Sweet peaches!

What have I done?

Somewhere along the way,

They must have slipped out the bottom.

It's all right, kenneth.

These things happen.

[Sighs] uncle butch was right.

I'm just a stupid country bumpkin

With great skin and soft hands.

I'll just have jonathan bring over another pair.

No, sir. This is my mistake.

I will replace your pants.

They cost $2,500.

I will find your pants!

All right!

My prescription shampoo!

Oh.

[Angry man] who is it?

Hi, I have your mail.

I live across the hall.

H-hi, I didn't even realize anyone had moved in over here.

Welcome.

[Ominous music]

I'm... Liz. What's your name?

Raheem.

Raheem. That's-- that's my mother's name.

No, it-- no, I'm just kidding.

Give me my package, please.

Oh... Okay.

Well, it was nice to meet...

[Woman on TV] coming up next, candace van der shark,

A lifetime intimate portrait.

Have you met the guy across the hall?

Raheem? Yeah, he's a good egg.

He's weird. He wouldn't shake my hand.

And I think it's because I'm a woman.

And get this--he's got maps all over his walls.

Maps.

Maps?

You mean like that one?

That's different, that's-- that's an antique.

And I'm a white lady.

What are you saying there, liz?

Pete, you know me.

I never make assumptions about race.

Remember, I asked that black guy

If he had seen sideways?

But this guy...

I don't like him.

You're being paranoid.

Raheem is a really nice guy.

And he's always helping.

He rewired the toaster oven,

And... He showed me a back way to the airport.

Listen to yourself, pete.

I don't want to sound racist,

But that pita pocket might be a terrorist.

That sound racist?

[Donaghy] this rich chestnut color is natural?

[Laughs]

Excuse me.

Whiskey, straight up.

I'll have a white rum with diet ginger ale

And a splash of lime.

Wow, I never would have pegged you

For a university of tennessee sorority girl.

Well, you've got to pace yourself with these things.

We go all night.

That's good advice.

Unfortunately, I promised bill frist

The next slow dance.

I'm c. C.

Jack.

Nice haircut.

Sir, here's your nancy drew.

For men, it's called a hardy boy.

[Traffic noise]

Hey, kk, how's it hangin'?

Very low, sir.

Very low.

I lost something real important.

You know what I do when I lose something?

I yell real loud until I find it.

So what is it that you lost?

Pants. Pants! Pants! Pants!

Pants! Pants! Pants!

How 'bout the sean johns? Were you chafing again, tray?

I don't think that's gonna help me find

Mr. Donaghy's pants.

Well, did you retrace your steps?

Or go back to the drycleaners?

Yes, obvious twins.

And I tried looking in the last place

You'd ever expect.

And, no, mr. Donaghy's pants are not in the ladies' room

At that laser tag place on 12th avenue.

It's no use.

I'm just gonna have to replace 'em.

But where am I ever gonna get $2,500?

Well, why don't you just do like I do

And sell your autograph at the car show?

[Piano playing]

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love

♪ It's the only thing

♪ That there's just too little of ♪

♪ What the world needs now

♪

Ahh! Go! Come on, go!

[Grunting] go, go!

Go! Come on!

Gah!

[Both shouting]

What the what?!

[Siren]

[Giggles]

[Mumbles] oh, my god.

[Romantic jazz]

Thank you for an incredible night.

Really? Did you have a good time?

'Cause I really did.

Unbelievably good.

And thank you for letting me try the thing I tried.

I'm... Sorry I dropped you.

Oh, no, it was great.

I mean, who knew that ottoman had wheels, right?

Well, I gotta get to work.

Uh, when can I see you again?

Anytime. You name it.

[Male interviewer] congressman cunningham,

It is a pleasure to have you on our program.

Hi, dan. Thank you for having me.

Celeste cunningham.

C. C.

You didn't tell me you're a congresswoman!

I just ended my first year.

[Newscaster] of your constituents.

"D"?

Vermont?

Big business is out to get us again.

The sheinhardt wig company has dumped thousands of gallons

Of auburn fantasy dye #260 into the chickotagua river,

Turning the children of chickotagua orange.

And I will not rest until this company

And all of its subsidiaries

Are held financially responsible!

[Grunts]

Why do you have this?

I run a sheinhardt wig subsidiary called nbc.

Oh, my god.

You're jack donaghy?

What were you even doing at that party last night?

Oh, my god. This was a mistake.

Forget about what I said.

I can never be seen with you again.

You're right.

We have to pretend that this never happened.

Yeah, I have to get out of here.

Damn it, the worst part is...

[Crying] I really liked you a lot.

[Sighs]

I gave her the ottoman, and she walked out.

Sir, I typed up that letter.

Hey, uh...

What do you need, lemon?

Nothing, I just, uh...

It can wait.

Lemon, there's nothing you could say to me

That you can't say in front of jonathan.

I think my middle eastern neighbor is a terrorist,

And I don't know what to do.

That's ridiculous, lemon.

Some of our greatest patriots

Have been of middle eastern descent.

And I'm appalled to hear you

Engage in racial profiling like that.

I'm kidding. Be an american--call it in.

This is the number of a friend of mine

In a very high-level position at homeland security.

Oh, no, not-- now I don't know.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

If a bleeding heart liberal like you has any suspicions...

I know, right?

[Jefferson Airplane's Somebody to Love]

Nice ring tone, jack.

That's not my ring tone.

I hate that san francisco sound.

How am I calling myself?

This isn't even my phone.

[Beep] JACK?

C. C.? I think I have your phone.

Yeah, you must have grabbed it by accident.

[Whispering] after our night of doing it.

Take the freight elevator

To the sixth floor, and I'll be right down.

Uh...

Are you all right?

Well, last night I...

Never mind.

These verizon wireless phones are just so popular.

I accidentally grabbed one belonging to an acquaintance.

Well, sure, 'cause that verizon wireless service

Is just unbeatable.

I mean, if I saw a phone like that on tv,

I would be like, "where is my nearest retailer

So I can... Get one?"

Can we have our money now?

Come on... Big money.

[Coins jingle]

[Sniffs]

Whoa.

This ketchup expired two years ago.

Hmm.

Dude, how much would I have to pay you

To eat this whole bottle?

Honestly?

$1,000.

$400.

I got all the way to harlem

When I heard wagner coming from my phone.

Harlem?

I'm working out of the clinton offices

For a few weeks.

I'm helping hillary

Retool her universal health care platform.

God, I wanna kiss you on the mouth

To stop you from saying such ridiculous things.

Here's your phone.

Obviously, we can never be seen together again.

Obviously--I'm up for the chairmanship,

And I don't wanna risk that.

They give you a helicopter, you know.

What about me?

How can I look those little orange children in the eye?

They have no other documented health problems, you know.

They're orange!

This is why I got into politics--

To stop big companies from hurting the little guy.

What happened to you that made you this way?

In 1998,

I got shot in the face by my neighbor's dog.

Oh, c. C., I'm so--

Wait, what?

My neighbor had a riverton hunting rifle

With a faulty trigger safety.

One day, his jack russell terrier

Started chewing the area,

The gun went off, and shot me in the face.

No.

A terrier?

So I did what was right:

I sued riverton, my neighbor, and the dog.

C. C., I'm so sorry.

Well, don't be.

After six reconstructive surgeries,

I'm much better-looking now than I used to be.

Plus, they made a lifetime movie about me.

[Female announcer] tonight on lifetime,

Candace van der shark stars as celeste cunningham in:

You know, I thought you made love like an ugly girl.

So present, so grateful.

Who's that?!

Nobody. Don't lie to me, jack.

I've had plenty of women mad at me the morning after.

Just don't let her light your sneakers on fire

In the bathtub.

Oh, she would never do that, tracy.

She's a very special woman.

So then what's the problem?

Well, we're just on opposite sides of a feud.

Oh, I get it: romeo and juliet.

Capulets and romulans.

Mm-hmm, I've been there.

I'm black, she's white.

I'm black, she's light-skinned black.

I'm black, she's 17.

Hey, listen,

If she's your soul mate,

You go for it.

Tracy, I don't believe in soul mates.

I worked too hard to get where I am

To sacrifice it for some woman.

I don't care if she is beautiful, brilliant,

And she does it like her dad's a minister.

[Sighs]

[All cheering]

Sir, that was impressive!

Ugh. My feet are puffed up real bad.

Dude, let us give you the rest of the money

For donaghy's pants.

No, mr. Rossitano.

We parcells are neither wealthy nor circumcised,

But we are proud.

I have to earn that money.

All right, I got a job for you.

Every night after dinner, lutz falls asleep

On the couch in our office.

Mm-hmm.

[Knock on door]

Can I help you?

Pete! Pete! Pete!

[Friendly] raheem!

Ready to go?

You guys are going out?

Yeah.

My buddy, raheem,

Invited me out with him to celebrate.

He just completed some big project he's been working on.

Soon everyone will know the name raheem haddad.

[Buttons beeping]

Hi, I'm not sure, but--

[Man] who is he, and where can we find him?

[Dog barking on TV]

Hey, c. C.

We're having a barbecue tonight.

You're welcome to come.

Thanks. Maybe I will.

[Dog barking and growling]

Get the gun away from the dog.

Hey, hon, have you seen my hunting rifle?

Last time I saw it... The dog had it.

What is wrong with you people?

[Growling]

[Gunshot]

I'm going to get into politics!

[Sighs]

[Traffic noise]

Aaaargh!

Aah! Aah!

Aaaah!

[Screaming]

Aah!

Got him!

Gah!

[Screaming]

[Choking]

Oh, god, oh!

Whoa! Whoa!

Ape attack!

Ape attack.

Smarts!

[Whimpers]

Are you okay?

Okay, that went too far.

I still need $700.

What's next?

You know that old lady in accounting...

Who thinks you're her husband who died in the war?

What about her?

I do believe in destiny.

And I know that I should hate you, but I can't.

I love you.

And I don't care what people say.

We were meant to be in each other's lives.

[Whispering] you're right, c. C.

[Whispering] some dudes took raheem last night.

Huh... Sounds like an american hero

Saw something and said something.

Elizabeth lemon, I can't believe you did that.

Raheem is a good guy!

You seem to be defending raheem an awful lot.

I'd hate to have to make another phone call.

No, we're cool.

Uh, I renounce raheem.

Raheem's a bad guy.

Usa number one!

[Slams door]

Tracy, I need your help.

I've gotta go somewhere, and I can't be seen,

And cabs don't go there.

Sure, where is it?

Clinton's office in harlem.

I know where that building is.

I get my jamaican meat pies there.

Finally, my scalp rx.

Oh, my god.

I am raheem haddad.

And this is my brother hakim.

And these are the reasons

You should choose us

To be the next contestants on the amazing race!

Amazing what?

[Computer music playing]

Uh-oh.

We love to travel.

Look at all the places we have been:

Toronto, munich, london, the hoover dam,

The cleve.

Oh, boy.

[Raheem] we are in good shape for the road blocks and detours.

Come on! Come on, go!

Oh, no, oh, no.

[Both] we love america!

[Laughing]

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

[Traffic noise]

[Knock on door]

[Kenneth] jonathan...

I purchased a replacement pair

Of mr. Donaghy's pants.

Wow. You must love him as much as I do.

C. C., look out the window onto 125th street.

You shouldn't be here.

I know I shouldn't. I can't help myself.

I wanna be with you!

Tell her you want your privates and her privates

To do a high-five.

[Whispering] OKAY, TRAY, I GOT THIS.

Jack, we hardly know each other.

This could be career suicide for both of us,

And you know it!

I don't care anymore.

I saw your movie-- what you said to that dog

About soul mates.

[Whispering] I think I might be the dog.

Tell her her butt look like a apple

And you wanna take a bite.

Buzz me in, okay?

Tell her she got some tig ol' biddies

Like the dallas cowboy cheerleaders.

Tell her you want her to donate her body to science,

And you science.

Tell her, jack!

I've been going crazy these last few days,

Thinking about our night together.

How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay.

How you made me that western omelet at 4:00 a. M.

I never met anyone like you, jack.

Be with me, c. C.

We'll ignore our differences till the sex goes bad,

Then we'll... Walk away bitter and angry.

Ohh.

Nobody can know we're together.

Not even your friend tracy jordan out there.

I don't think you have to worry about tracy.

Stop eatin' people's old french fries, pigeon.

Have some self-respect.

Don't you know you can fly?

[Police siren in distance]

I don't...

I've never had a secret affair before.

What do you say we go find a spot and defile this place?

[Loud groan]

Raheem.

Hey, buddy!

Where ya been all week?

They put electrodes on my testicles, liz.

Who did?

Oh, you... Remembered my name.

America's government shocked my nuts.

No, I'm pretty sure they're not allowed

To do that type of thing.

They say, "raheem...

Why you no shake hands?"

I say, "because I don't want sickness before amazing race."

They say, "raheem, why all the trips to the airport?"

I say, "because I'm practicing for the amazing race!"

Sure.

And then, "zzt! Zzt!"

In my underpanties!

Do you have any idea who... Turned you in?

No... But I am just so angry now.

I have so much anger inside.

I want to do something spectacular with it.

[Ominous music]

[Sniffs]

Northrax.

Hey! I made waffles.

Ohh, thank god.

Yeah.